Now this doesn't mean that we have to do something that neither of us has done before. If we made that a rule that would pretty much leave sky diving and bank robbing as things we could do together. Although, to be fair, I don't think I have ever asked her if she has ever been sky diving. There might just be bank robbing left. At least I hope bank robbing is the only option left and not sky diving.
Not that it matters since, it doesn't have to be something we have both yet to do. It just has to be something one of us hasn't done. Which works out nicely, because I know I have experienced a lot of things that I want to re-experience with her, and I think she feels the same.
Last night's experience was kind of in the gray area. See, we decided to go see some bands play at the Majestic, a place known for providing some of the best music, stand up comedy and movies in Madison. We had both been to shows and concerts before, but never to any put on by the bands we were seeing that night. So, I'm still counting it as a new experience. Besides, I have never seen a band play in a theater type of venue. All the concerts I have been to have been big out door festival kind of things with multiple stages and multiple bands all playing at the same time.
I will admit to being a little nervous about going. Sometimes I get a little nervous in large crowds, and this was definitely going to be a large crowd. Also, did I mention that I can't dance to save my life. I know. I know. Supposedly everyone can dance, if only just a little bit. This, however, is a lie. The last time I tried to dance and I was knocked to the floor and restrained by paramedics who thought I was having a seizure.
My girlfriend is the one who has the rhythm. So, I figured why not ask her. She probably has some awesome advice on how someone who is rhythmically impaired can still look cool. After all, I didn't want to embarrass her. I wanted to look like I have some swagger.
With my tail tucked between my legs, I went to her and explained my need for help. And like I thought she would, she gave me several pieces of advice on what to do. Including one tip that she said was the most important thing for a guy to remember when dancing with a girl... Don't stick your dick in her back!
I wasn't necessarily sure what she meant by this. Was this some term for a new dance move I was unfamiliar with or perhaps a new way to rob someone. Who knew. So, I had to ask for clarification. To her credit she was very politically correct with her explanation.
"It's when a guy is dancing behind a girl and he starts grinding on her. Maybe its okay for one song, but after that...no. NO! The girl isn't asking for that. Sure she may like you but that doesn't mean she wants your thing jammed up against her for the whole concert. Seriously. No dick in the butt!!!"
Sure, I had heard of this, but not on the level she was describing. She had to be exaggerating. Sure maybe the guy goes for the bump and grind for one song, but there is no way it happens over and over through out the entire concert. She has to be giving a worst case scenario kind of thing. Sort of like how to survive an apocalypse when there are no Twinkies or Ding Dongs left and you are surrounded by bears.
So, we went to the concert. And holy crap was she right. During the first five minutes alone, I saw three examples of what she was talking about. Two were bad, but one guy was really bad. I'm thinking before the concert he must have snorted like a thousand pixie sticks filled with crack.
This dude was not just content to be grinding his girlfriend. No, he had to add a degree of difficulty to it by squatting low and coming at her at an upward angel. To be honest, I wasn't sure if he was trying to stick his dick in her back or launch her into space. And oh my god, the speed at which he was moving. I'm not even sure the Flash could have kept up. He looked like an over excited Golden Retriever trying to drill a hole through a fire hydrant using only his hips.
Forget one song, this guy had been going at it for the first third of the concert. Finally, about one song into the second groups performance, I noticed the girl had taken a step forward and over. Essentially, putting two other girls between her and this guy. The guy had that drunk glazed over look on his face, and I'm not even sure if he realized right away that the girl had left him.
Through out the rest of the show, I saw more and more examples of dick in the butt. It was all around us. Luckily, that seems to be a younger guy move.
It was funny to see these guys moving like they were the Gods of Swagger, and to also see the girls constantly rolling their eyes and trying to slowly move away. At one point, I felt so sorry for the guys that wanted to pull them aside and share my girlfriend's advice.
I would say something Yoda like, "Her back do not stick your dick in. Down she will shut."
When my girlfriend and I got back home, I told her about all the instances where I saw a guy trying to jam his do-hickey into a girl's back. She simply said, "I told you so." Yes, she most certainly did.
The thing I love about my girlfriend is that she is like some Tibetan Monk who has all these pearls of wisdom to share, but only lets a few out at a time. So far she has taught me that just because a bottle has the word Heinz on it does not automatically mean it is ketchup. And good dancing means never having to stick your dick in to someone else's back.
I can't say these were lessons I was expecting to learn, but I feel like just by knowing them I have become a stronger, better man. Thank you, my girlfriend.
