Just imagine how great that would be. You could wake up every day knowing that for the next hour nothing bad would happen. No bad news while you eat your cereal and watch Johnny Test or dropping your phone in the toilet or having bill collectors call. If that one hour of paradise existed I would never just lay in bed and play on my phone. As soon as I opened my eyes I would be getting things done.
But, it does not exist. Which is why I spent 15 minutes starring at two cereal boxes before finally sighing and throwing them away.
A real man could have finished both those boxes of cereal. I barely finished half of each box. Every now and then I will get an urge for one type of cereal. That cereal will stay in my head as my number one choice for days... until I actually get to the grocery store. Once there, I will suddenly get an equally strong urge for another completely different type of cereal.
The most recent example I have of this was when I went to Hy-Vee on Sunday night and I was wanting Kellogg's Almond cereal. As I looked up and down the aisle I saw they were having a sale on Lucky Charms. I was like, "I really want this healthy cereal, but damn it! I also could go for some marshmallows in the shapes of horseshoes and moons." So, I walk back and forth between the two different boxes for about 10 minutes before finally coming up with this solution. "You know, I finished that last box of cereal pretty easy. I bet I can eat both of these before they go bad."
And when I get home I do make an impressive start towards completing this task. I'll eat two bowls of cereal and I do it with pride. Forget Ultimate Fighting or rescuing cats from a burning building that is surrounded by zombies. Eating two bowls of cereal is how a boy becomes a man. I even let out a few primal grunts for a little bit. Then the next day comes and I have one bowl. After that I start to only eat a bowl every couple days and then not at all. Suddenly, it is three weeks later and my cereal is all stuck together and stale.
At this moment a choice needs to be made. Do I break apart the stuck together pieces and push through the flat cardboard taste just to finish the boxes, or do I admit defeat and go out and buy one box of Captain Crunch. I always give this decision a lot of thought, but the truth is, I already know what I am going to do.
No one wants to eat gross stale cereal. So, I swallow my pride and as a single tear runs down my cheek, I throw the boxes into the garbage. Each thud is like a shot to my heart and my manhood.
The grieving process after this happens is pretty intense. For 24 hours, I feel a like nothing matters and that I am worthless. Then a friend will come over and give me an inspirational talk that gives me the courage to go back to the store. Choosing the next cereal is hard because this is just going to he 'rebound' cereal. I'm not looking for anything healthy. I want something that is going to be bad for me and that has lots of huge marshmallows and tons of sugar. This cereal lasts maybe a couple days before I finish with it, but at the end of those few days the world seems a little brighter again and I start to think that maybe things are going to be okay after all. And with a smile I return to the grocery store looking for something a little healthier this time. Something that is more than just marshmallows and sugar. I look for that something special. And when I find it, I feel complete. Like I'm a man of value again.
Sadly, at the moment, that feeling is a long ways away. As I walk away from the garbage can, all I want to do is lay down on the couch, pull my Spider-man Snuggie around me and cry. Don't worry though. I'll get this through this. I thank you in advance for your support.
