It's now Jan. 2, 2013, and I have to give myself credit, not once have I put 2012 on a check. At least not yet. I'm also pretty happy that I have been able to stick to my New Year's resolutions. Yeah yeah, I know it has only been two days, but come on, that's farther than most people made it.
And while we are on the subject of resolutions, I have come to the conclusion that several of you out there might have forgot to add a few things to your list. Maybe you did it on purpose or maybe it was completely by accident. Either way, I want to help you out. That was another of my resolutions, 'to be more helpful'. I've compiled a list of things that different people in my life need to work on, but for the sake of peoples egos, I won't list any specific names. Just the behavior or habit I think you need to work on. Happy wishes for the New Year.
A List of Resolutions I Think My Friends Forgot About
- Don't talk about yourself in the third person.
- When you check out a movie, try and return it on time instead a month late. I'm sick of checking everything out under my account.
- Please learn how to drive, merge and go a little over the posted speed limit. Remember, speed limit sign are only suggestions.
- Shower more than every two days. When people begin sniffing every time you are around, that should be enough of a hint.
- Stop pretending you forgot your wallet and bank card. I just saw you get gas.
- You have a good tan, stop there. You are starting to turn orange.
- Don't talk with your mouth full. I always end up with half of what you eat on my shirt.
- Do your laundry. Seriously. You can only turn your underwear inside out once before it becomes ineffective.
- Pick up your apartment. I'm not even saying you have to make it spotless. I just need a path from the couch to the kitchen to the bathroom.
- Your lizards, hamsters and snake should not be allowed to roam free through out your apartment. When I come over I feel like I'm on a poor man's safari.
- When we go to bars, please stop acting like you are Barney from How I Met Your Mother. Saying 'Legendary' over and over is not going to get you any.
- Stop picking your nose in public. We all know you are just scratching it, when we see half your finger disappear.
- You can't handle your alcohol. Except it. Next time you run naked down Main Street, you are on your own.
- Cut back on the coffee. You shake so much, I feel like you should get a job holding paint cans and not allowed to hold babies.
- Taco Bell is not your friend which makes you a friend to no one else.
- Shave your chest. It looks like an Octopus is just trying to get out of your shirt.
- Please tip the pizza guy more than 25 cents. And you wonder why it takes an hour to get our pizza.
- This one kind of goes with the previous resolution. Stop answering the door in just a towel when getting the pizza. 90% of the time its a guy delivering the pizza anyway.
- When we go shopping, stop trying to switch the price tags on everything you want to buy. I'm pretty sure the cashier knows the box of crystal glasses is not a $4.99 Dora the Explorer tea set.
- And finally, stop leering at women when we go out. You are not being subtle. They know, and yes, you are 'The Creeper, they are talking about.
That's all for now. I might think of more later, but for now that's all I could think of. Not bad people. Let's hope next years list is a little smaller.
