I swore up and down this wasn't going to happen this year. I did everything I could do to avoid it. To protect myself from it. I ate right. (Well, most of the time. I still maintain that pizza is a good source for all four food groups.) I exercised and even took vitamins, but it all proved useless against this new super strain of flu.
For the last two weeks, I have pretty much done nothing put away boxes of Kleenex like a frat guy puts away free beer at a bar. That I might have been able to deal with, but throw in extreme coughing fits so fierce I almost blacked out a few times and the usual stomach aches and fevers and that's it. I tapped out.
Now, the coughing has begun to recede and my nose seems to only fun for a few minutes in the morning. And because I am feeling so much better, new post ideas have been flooding into my brain like someone just broke the dam that was my writer's block. The entire two weeks I was sick, I desperately wanted my head to clear just enough that with a little effort I might be able to cobble together something resembling a decent blog post, but nothing was getting through. When the fog finally cleared it occurred to me I had a post right under my nose the whole time.
My girlfriend had asked me if and when I was going to the doctor while I was sick. Which is nice. Even though, I can say with some confidence that about 80% of the time when she made these inquires she was being a very sweet carrying girlfriend. The other 20% I think she wanted this person who sounded like he was dying out of her house in case the plague was making a comeback. I now realize that although she asked me about the doctor at least a dozen times, I never gave her a flat out answer. Just a bunch of really random excuses. And look at me now, feeling good and ready for any challenge life has to throw at me. See! Who needs doctors?
Excuse #1: I haven't been sick long enough to warrant going to the doctor. He is just going to tell me I'll have to ride it out anyway, so why waste the money.
Excuse #2: I have no proof that the degree on the doctor's wall is even real. As far as I know, he could be a Nazi scientist still on the run and wanted for performing illegal genetic experiments. I know all about Project Aqua Gill Soldier.
Excuse #3: I'm an organ donor. Who's to say the doctor isn't in need of a kidney to save a very wealthy patient. To him, I'm nothing more than a bag of spare parts. No thank you.
Excuse #4: What if they get my chart mixed up with some who needs to go in for heart surgery?
Excuse #5: I already owe the clinic money from last time I came. They won't treat you again until you pay off what you owe.
Excuse #6: I'm pretty sure I had that clinic got in trouble when one their doctors tried to sew a pig snout onto that body builder's face.
Excuse #7: Doctors want you to go to their hospitals and clinics so they get you to give blood samples which they use to create clones of you. Those clones will be trained in secret and one day take over the United States.
Excuse #8: I know a girl who used to date a doctor who worked here. Things didn't end well, What if he does a background check and connects me to her. Is he still going to be professional about things.
Excuse #9: The doctor could really be Jack the Ripper in hiding.
Excuse #10: I bet the doctors aren't even good. I bet after you leave the have to watch old dvds of House to find out what you might have.
There you go, Ten perfectly good reasons to avoid going to the doctor. Feel free to use any of them. I'll come up with new ones.
