Six Things I Thought About While On My Lunch Break

  Pam was a little bit busy tonight, so that gave me some time to let my mind wander and here are the things that popped in there.

  1.  Does the Easter Bunny have a wife? If not where do
all his kids come from?

  2.  Do cookies have sex? If not how do they make more?

  3.  When they make an Oreo cookie, do the cookies tell their friends that they had a three way?

  4.  Why are there no bacon flavored jelly beans?

  5.  Do you think priests and bishops have breakaway religious clothes?

  6.  Why don't they put candy machines in the bathrooms? Because you know that's where you get the hungriest.

Wash My Hands On The Whole Thing

  Two weeks ago, my company took out the paper towel dispensers in the bathrooms and replaced them with the cloth towel dispensers. You know the ones where the towels loop down and then go back up into the machine. Sort of a perpetual towel.

  They told us they went with the cloth towels because not only are they healthier for us, but also will help save the planet. This from a company that was just successfully sued for poisoning the ground water.

  The thing about these cloth towels is that they stink. You can't really dry your face with them or blow your nose on them or even dry your arms off all that easy. They say we have them because the company is going green, but here's the thing. The executive bathrooms still have the old paper towel dispensers. And the executives always get every new thing first.

  So, if these are so great why do the executives not have them in any of their bathrooms? Hmm?

Taking Away The Flavor

  Luck. Some people seem to have it in abundance and others get attacked by rabid zombie squirrels every morning. That's just the way it is.

  But what about animals? Do you think they believe in concepts such as luck? You would think they have to, wouldn't you? For instance, a cat that gets to lay around all day, eat as much as it wants and get all the attention it craves has to feel way more lucky than a cow does... especially this morning.

  That's when the Food and Drug Administration announced  a nationwide recall on all flavored milk. It doesn't matter the brand or the flavor. It could be chocolate flavored, banana flavored or even bacon flavored. The FDA wants them all.

  The recall came about then some agencies for ethical treatment of animals began voicing their concern and disapproval regarding a new highly experimental, non FDA-approved method for adding flavoring to the milk.

  According to a report released by the FDA, the new method for adding flavor to the milk involves putting the cows through a radical dietary change.

  First, the amount of hay and feed they are given is cut in half. The next step is to determine what flavor of milk they would like the cow to produce. The third step involves replacing the missing hat and feed with whatever food or ingredient will help produce flavor they chose.

  For example, say you want your cow to produce Hersey's Chocolate Milk. Half of what you fed the cow would be hay and feed. The other half of the cow's diet would consist of Hersey's Chocolate Candy Bars.

  And the final step would be to collect and bottle the milk.

  The FDA assures us that there is nothing wrong with the flavored milk and it is completely safe to drink. The only reason for the recall, as previously stated, involved concern that the new diets and method for adding flavor may cause harm to the cows.

  Claims that drinking flavored milk will give you cool mutant abilities are completely unfounded and salacious.

  I, myself, have already drank seven 8 ounce glasses of Prairie Farms Jellybean Low Fat Milk, and all I've been able to do is levitate this stupid pencil in the air. That's not cool. Not at all.

  The good news is the FDA will only be halting production of flavored milk for two weeks. Just long enough for them to run some tests and to say the conducted a proper investigation.

  I hope they do it quickly. I'm already starting to go through withdrawal just knowing I'm not going to be able to find my Prairie Farms Chocolate Marshmallow milk.

What Not To Wear

  This weekend I am going to be Skyping with Pam's family. Which is kind of a big deal since I haven't met them yet. I really, really want to put a good foot forward and make a good first impression. The problem is, as you may all know, I have no fashion sense. Like 80% of my clothes are t-shirts and jeans. So, since they are here parents, I asked Pam to help me pick out some clothes. After all they are her parents. She should know what would impress them. After about five hours of searching my closet we (she) decided the best thing to do would be to just go buy a new outfit.

  Now, while I may not be able to tell you what to wear, I can definitely give you some examples of what not to put on.

  Below are some t-shirts Pam rejected immediately, tossed into a pile and told me to burn.

 

Catch The Rainbow

  Hello, fellow lovers of travel. You may or may not have noticed, but our most recent ice age has finally passed. The ground is no longer blanketed in 20 feet of snow and the army of zombie snowmen have all melted away. Which can mean only one thing... Spring Break, Baby.

  (*Note: If you are over the age of 22, you are no longer allowed to call it Spring Break. By law you have to say you are just going on a plain old vacation.)

  Whether you call it Spring Break or vacation doesn't matter. All that's important is you are going somewhere fun that isn't work or school.

  My favorite part of the trip is the time right before you leave. When you are still wandering around the convenience store buying multiple bags of beef jerky, candy, bottled drinks, chips and maybe a little bit of fruit. We aren't barbarians after all.

  This is also the last point where a 10 hour car ride seems like it is going to be the most amazing time of your life.

  In your mind's eye, you picture you and your friends rocking out to the radio and eating tons of that beef jerky while laughing and sharing funny stories that never seem to end.

  The cool thing is it really does happen that way... for about two hours and then reality sets in. You realize you are listening to the same songs over and over again. You feel nauseous from all the beef jerky you consumed, and you run out of things to talk about during the first half hour of the ride.

  In short, things can go from good to bad super fast unless someone gets creative and is quick on their feet.

  For example, have you ever heard of a game called, Catch The Rainbow? I'm going to guess probably not since Pam and I just made it up a few days ago.

  It's actually a pretty simple game. All you need is a couple King or Family Size bags of Skittles. The flavor doesn't matter. 

  Each person starts with 10 Skittles.  The game begins whenever you pull up next to a car or truck with its sunroof open.  The object of the game is to toss as many Skittles as you can through the other car's sunroof.

  Each Skittle you get in is worth 10 points. You get a bonus 50 points if the car speeds away in confusion. You get a bonus 100 points if the car starts to follow you and another 30 points if you manage to lose them.

  If the other car catches up to you and forces you to pull over you get 0 points,  because let's face it, you have bigger things to worry about than points.

  You can either start a new game with every new car or carry the points over for a much longer game.

  Give it a try on your next trip.  You will never laugh or smile so hard.

Kohl's Ghost

  Don't you hate when you wake up thinking the only thing you have to do is buy a new pair of Spider-Man Underoos, but instead end up having to re-evaluate your views on life after death.

  It would be pretty accurate to say that for the majority of my life, I have been completely skeptical of this concept of life after death or as what the professional 'hunters' on tv call... ghosts.

  Something tells me that a few of you might be slightly skeptical of my skepticalness (Hmm, is that even a word). Which is understandable. After all, I am the guy who flew to Utah to investigate reports that a flying sasquath with bat-like wings has been stealing Jimmy John subs. And yes, I also explored the shores of Africa in search of a Nessy like monster called, The Badoone.

  I suppose its just easier for me to believe in creatures, because there's more of a scientific possibility they could be real. How many new animals are discovered every day that people never knew existed? Maybe that's what these creatures are. Just animals who we have yet to discover or over millions of years, forgot about.

  But ghosts??? You're telling me I'm supposed to believe that because my grandpa forgot to give my grandma a 15 cent ring he won for her before he died, his spirit now is at unrest and and doomed to haunt this world forever... I don't think so.

  I loved my grandpa and all, but if there was an all day Martha Stewart marathon on tv and the remote was sitting on the coffee table in front of him, he would rather just watch Martha Stewart all day rather than move the three feet to get the remote. So, what makes you think he's going to put forth all that effort just to come back from the dead.

  This is why I have trouble accepting that ghosts are real. But leave it to needing a new pair of Underoos to throw the proverbial spectral monkey wrench in that belief.

  My girlfriend and I had to go to Kohl's to get me a new pair of Spider-Man Underoos. Why Kohl's? Simple. That's where you can get the high quality well made Underoos.

  it didn't take long for me to find what i was looking for. In fact, in under ten minutes, I found three different sets of Underoos. I got two Spider-Man sets, one Avengers themed set and a pair of Doctor Who dress socks.

  After all, is there a better way to express to someone how much their event means to you than wearing some Spider-Man Underoos and a pair of black dress socks with a Dalek stitched on the side in white thread.

  I have to admit, I was pretty excited about my haul, but before we left the store, I figured we could walk around for a bit. My girlfriend had had a pretty hard week and I thought maybe we could find some thing to bring that beautiful smile back to her face.

  It took all of five minutes to complete this quest, because unbeknownst to me, Kohl's had begun selling Disney products.

  They had t-shirts and DVDs and cups and plates and framed cells and little stuffed animals, but none of that seemed to attract her attention. The only thing that made her eyes light up was a giant version of Mike leaning against the back wall.  You know Mike, one of the main characters in the movie, Monster University. It stood about four feet high and was the low, low price of $500.

  Unfortunately, I had just had the transmission in my truck replaced and remembered that I wasn't Donald Trump. So, instead of buying Mike, we did the next best thing. My girlfriend cuddled up to Mike and I took their picture. Her smile was still intact and we still got to bring something home. A win-win in my book... that is until I actually looked at the picture later that night.

  At first, I was mad at myself because I thought I had messed up the picture. It was all blurry. However, upon closer inspection I realized only a blob in the lower center of the picture was blurry and slightly see through while the rest was in perfect focus.

  And it wasn't just a blob. The more I looked at it the easier it became to pick out an arm and then a body and then legs. Even though it looked as if the lower half of the body was still forming I could still make them out.

  Not to mention, there was no one else around when I took the picture. Yet there was obviously someone there or something that looked like a someone.

  I spent the entire night trying to come up with a logical explanation for the image, but as dawn's light started to creep through the window I finally admitted I might have taken a picture of a  ghost. a real live.. well not alive, but you know what I mean... ghost.

Over the next few days I continued to search for any logical theory that could explain away the ghostly form. I also began doing a little research on Kohl's hoping to find that no tragic events had taken place there, because if nothing bad had happened then there couldn't be any ghosts. I struck out even there. It turns out that in 1983 a girl died when her pant leg got caught in the escalator. If only her parents had been watching her.

  I'm not sure if I'm ready to admit that I did take a picture of a ghost of that ghosts are real, but i have included the photo here anyway. Maybe one of you will be able to tell me what you think is in the picture.

Picture of a possible ghost girl taken
at Kohl's

Movies I Want To See Made

  Here's a list of movies I would like Hollywood to make. All of them are guaranteed blockbusters.  Don't worry Hollywood,  you don't owe me any money for these ideas... unless of course, you actually do use one of them.  In which case, daddy wants to get paid.

  Fast and the Furious 9: Herbie's Revenge starring Herbie the Love Bug

  Hunger Games 3: Cookies No More starring Cookie Monster

  Sharknado 2: Electric Boogaloo starring a bunch of B, C and D list actors 

  Machine Madness starring Robocop, The Transformers,  Johnny Five and The Terminator

  Shirley Temple: Vampire Slayer starring Sarah Michelle Gellar

  Ronald McDonald's Wendy starring Ronald McDonald and the woman from the Wendy's commercials, Morgan Smith Goodwin

  The Notebook 2: Friday the 13th starring Ryan Gosling, Rachel McAdams and Jason Voorhees

  Mary Poppins:  First Blood starring Sylvester Stallone and Julie Andrews 

  Gods No More starring Harry Potter and Percy Jackson