Worker: Where am I working today?
Plant Manager (PM): You're late.
Worker: What? I'm not late. I punched in at 2:55 pm. I don't start till 3 pm. By my estimation, I'm really 5 minutes early.
PM: The handbook says, "Be at your machine and ready to work by 3 pm". You didn't get here till 3:03 pm. That's why I'm marking you as late.
Me: What's this handbook you keep speaking of? I don't think I've ever seen... a 'handbook', was it?
PM: You got a copy of it when you started working here. I suggest you go home and read it. You lose half a point for being late today. You may want to review how the punch in system works.
Me: You may want to go back to your office and remove that giant stick from your butt.
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| A re-enactment of the "discussion" my boss had with me. |
In case you weren't able to read between the lines and put two and two together, the person who got in trouble was yours truly.
I know, shocking right. Although, I still don't consider myself as being late. I was punched in before 3 pm. So, in my sane and unbiased opinion, I was on time.
For most people, this would simply be a case of 'you say tomato / I say tomato'. I, on the other hand, was not going to just shrug it off, turn the other cheek or just bend over.
By the plant manager making such an erroneous claim, a gauntlet had been thrown down. Whether he meant to throw it or not. There it laid at my feet, reflecting the fluorescent light from the ceiling up into my eyes.
I felt like I was falling victim to the Ghost Rider's Penance stare. But instead of forcing me to relive all my greatest sins, the light was instead revealing all the evils my plant manager had perpetrated over the years in the name of profit.
This was no longer about merely bring accused of being late. This was about Justice, and avenging all the poor souls that had been wronged by this fiend.
I bent over and picked up that gauntlet. And even after I took it in my hand it continued to glow. However, now it glowed with the light of justice. Tapping power even i didn't know I had, I swung that gauntlet with the force of a 1,000 sharknados. As soon as the gauntlet connected, the plant manger flew backwards and crashed through a giant office window. I wasn't sure if he was okay or no, but from under all that shattered glass I could hear the words, 'forgive me' being muttered through the sobbing.
Again, sadly, none of that actually happened. That was all from a blissful dream that would come later that night.
In reality, we simply starred each other down for a few tense and uncomfortable moments then walked away.
I'm not sure what he was thinking about as he plopped into his big, comfy leather office chair, but my thoughts were very clear. I needed to find a copy of this 'alleged' handbook as soon as possible.
In case you were wondering 'as soon as possible' ended being a very long three hours.
I would like to say I snuck into an empty office and hacked their computer system to find the handbook, but all I really ended up doing was walking up to my supervisor and asking him if we really do have a handbook. We did.
Take note my friends, when you prepare to challenge authority, you want to keep your investigations as secret as possible. So, this time I really did find an empty office. Once inside I turned off the lights, pulled a blanket over my head and turned on my trusty Scooby Doo themed flashlight.
I love reading most things, but you put a manual in front of me or a handbook and my brain shuts down about 90% of it's functions. So, getting through this entire handbook was no easy task. I think I might have fallen asleep like five times. One time I'm pretty sure I snored. Basically, this is how the handbook was set up.
The first 10 pages were pretty standard stuff. They mostly outlined the consequences for skipping work, dress codes and the importance of the non-disclosure agreement we signed. (FYI - I also don't recall seeing or signing this either.)
The next 3 pages laid out what to do in case we have an accident that creates a giant mutant monster. There was also a page or two dedicated to dealing with ghosts of long dead employees and how to identify a Hellmouth.
Finally, it was in the last three pages that I found my Holy Grail. Under the heading, 'The Dos and Don'ts of the Time Clock' was this line:
'All employees must be at their designated work station by their scheduled work time.'
Needless to say, I was a little bummed about the plant manager being right about needing to be at my machine by 3 pm.
Ugh! I could almost hear his annoying voice now. Just repeating over and over, "Be at your machine by 3pm." Just the thought of it made me contemplate sticking my head inside one of the furnaces.
I re-read the policy again just to make sure I didn't miss anything. This time when I read it, I also had the plant manger in my head taunting me.
Suddenly, it occurred to me that what I was reading and what the plant manager was repeating in my head didn't match up.
Yes, the part about being on my machine by 3 pm was correct, but I didn't see anything about having to be ready to work.
In fact, its pretty vague as far as policies go. Sure, be at the machine by 3 pm, but what am I supposed to do once I'm there. Should I work? Should I preform puppet shows? Should I twerk on the machine? There are literally thousands upon millions of things I could do. Working apparently does not have to be one of them.
Armed with this new knowledge, I made my way to the plant manager's office. Stopping only long enough to buy a Rice Krispie Treat.
I stood outside his window for second and saw that he was on the phone. That didn't matter to me. I swung open his office door and tossed the handbook on to his desk. He quickly said, 'goodbye' to the person on the other end then hung up his phone.
This is the conversation that followed:
Me: So, look what I found.
PM: Okay.
Me: You were right. It does say I need to be at my machine by 3 pm.
PM: Did you think I was making that up or something?
Me: Doesn't really matter, because according to this book I just need to be at my machine by 3. It doesn't say I have to be ready to work. At least, that's what your precious handbook says. And since I did walk through my machine's area before 3 pm. I wasn't late.
PM: (Opens the handbook and reads) Okay, it might not say it, but it is fully implied.
Me: Nope, the handbook says on the first page that, 'these policies are to be followed as stated in the handbook and are not subject to interpretation.' Which means you may have to reprint your handbook, but for right now I would expect you to be a man of honor and undo the mark you put on my record.
And with that. I turned and walked out of his office. Did he actually take the mark off my record? I honestly have no idea. All I know is that on that day, I scored a victory for the every day man. The man who puts his pants on one leg at a time and now and then enjoys a few onion rings from Burger King, because they have the awesome Zesty dipping sauce.
