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| For the last time you dumb bird, "Say Polly wants a cracker!" |
Some might say these info-mercials are trying to sell us junk that we so obviously don't need. That may be true. In fact, I will agree that a lot of what they try to sell is pretty unnecessary. I mean do I really need a screen door that I can walk through and have it 'magically' close behind me? Probably not, but if you look at all these things that are being advertised, info-mercials are trying to sell us things that will keep us active. They are encouraging me to cook or to walk a bike path in rabbit slippers where the ears go up and down when I step or to break out that Thigh Master and get my legs in shape for the beach.
However, every now and then they come up with something that makes me question all that is right with the world. Tonight it was the Perfect Polly Pet that caused my bottom jaw to plop on the floor and my eyes to widen in shock. "What the hell is this," I asked out loud. To be honest, I wasn't even sure if what I was seeing was a real commercial or just one of those fake jokey ones they use sometimes in sitcoms to fill space.
Sadly, it is real and what's worse, I think people might also be buying it.
The commercial never airs until after the clock has struck midnight. For the companies that market these future landfill jewels, this is the beginning of what is known as, 'The Golden Time'. This refers to the period of time at night, when people are just getting home from work or the bars and perhaps aren't thinking as clearly or rationally as they normally would. Its this state of fugue, that causes people to buy knives that can cut through cans or to spend over $300 on 3 workout dvds or a pair of binoculars you were like glasses.
For those of you who go to bed at a decent hour, Perfect Polly Pet is a motion activated life like parakeet who's head and tail move back and forth. Oh, it also chirps. The website describes the chirping as "sweet and beautiful", but they lie. I compare Polly's chirping to listening to my alarm clock go off for an hour.
Here's the thing about this product. It tries very hard to sell you this fake bird by telling you that most apartments don't accept dogs or cats and that you obviously are so busy you couldn't possibly have the time to feed and care for a live animal.
Well, to the fine people who came up with this product, I say nuts to you. There are plenty of pets you can get that don't require a lot of money to take care of that you can get. Perhaps these geniuses have never heard of the awe inspiring and ever so entertaining miracle of life known simply as The Sea Monkeys. These little buggers provide hours of entertainment, require no food and are still alive. So, suck on that Polly Parrot.
Sea Monkeys a little too on the microscopic size for you. Well, then let's move up a little bit. How about every one's favorite carnival prize, the gold fish. Actually, any fish will do, but I am an old fashion kind of guy. Now, yes you have to feed your gold fish like once or twice a day and clean it's tank once a week, but really are you that busy you can't find a few free minutes every day. Here's a suggestion. Stop playing Candy Crush Saga and see how much free time opens up for you.
A few other pets to consider are hamsters, lizards, hermit crabs or snakes. Yes, these do require a little care and attention, but they are also capable of entertaining themselves most of the time. So, you won't have to worry about missing who the babies daddy is on Maury.
And for those of you who think I might be being a little to judgemental, all you have to do is go to the 'testimonial' section on the Perfect Polly Pet website to hear from the people themselves just how lazy they really are.
One customer said, "My son is allergic to dogs and cats which limits the types of pets we can have in the house. We have thought about getting real birds, but it is a lot of extra work that is not realistic for us right now. I purchased a Perfect Polly as a way to cheer up my son who is desperate for a pet of his own and he actually loves it! He carries it with him everywhere and we even have a cage for it. The Perfect Polly is perfect for our family!"
The first thing that bothers me about this 'testimonial' is that it seems the mom would have been willing to buy a dog or cat, but since her son is allergic she bi-passes about a dozen other viable living pets and gets her son a plastic parrot. Yep, instead of taking a few minutes out of each day to teach her son how to be responsible and care for another living thing, she buys him a cage and a plastic parakeet .
Not to seem like a 'know-it-all' but all buying this kid a plastic parakeet is doing is showing him that if he can't find something flesh and blood to love then something artificial will do in a pinch. I bet he grows up to build the first 'companion robot'.
There are about three other testimonials on the website, but I'm going to be the bigger man and not mention them. Trust me I am saving you a lot of reading by not going into how lazy and selfish some of these people are.
The best thing about the Perfect Polly Pet is that if you act now and order using a credit card then you will receive a second parakeet for free. Which is an excellent idea, because if there is no one home all day, the two parakeets can keep each other company.
Oh, maybe you can pretend that one is a boy parakeet and the other is a girl parakeet, and they are in love. He wants to get married, but she's not sure because he is always drinking. And like most pretend real parakeets who drink to much, when he is drunk he says things he doesn't mean. Things like, "I'm going to run for President" or "I'm Rick James". She often doesn't understand what he means, but she loves him any way. How will their love end? Well, that's up to you and your imagination.
Order now.
