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Florida Go Bust

  Alright. Be honest with me. Do I look like something that the cat just dragged in? Its okay. You can tell me. I can handle the truth.

  I only ask because I've already had nine people today tell me that's what I look like and if that is what I really look like then that's ... awesome!!! Especially since I feel like something the cat dragged in then peed on and then kicked sand all over.

  The flight I was supposed to catch at 5 a.m. was cancelled, so that was a great start to my day. They never gave a reason as to why my flight was cancelled, but I'm going to guess it must have been something pretty serious. After all, why else would they randomly choose me to under go a man-on-man assist. Oh, and in case you don't know what that is, that's where the TSA agent gets to feel you up without having to buy you dinner. The creepiest part is when the guy grabbed my leg then asked if it was okay if he could check my leg. I felt he might have been a little late with that question considering as he asked it, he was already in the midst of massaging.. i mean, searching my leg.

  Having cleared security I settled into one of those oh-so comfy plastic chairs near my gate and commenced playing five hours of Candy Crush and Paradise Island. The plane ride itself was fairly uneventful. I would preferred a little more leg room, but I powered through. Now, I'm finally home and I really just want to go to sleep, but I did promise you guys an update.

  The worst part about today was constantly thinking about how the trip was a complete and utter failure in regards to finding evidence proving the existence of the Sandsquatch. I know he is spotted all the time, I guess he was just a little shy when it came to me.

  That's fine though. Everyone needs a little alone time. And while I didn't find any proof to support the existence of the Sandsquatch , I found a few things that gave me hope that one day I will.

Florida has monkeys. If they have monkeys
why not a population of half man/ half ape
sand loving Sandsquatches.

The locals say they have never heard of Sandsquatch before,
but if this is true... who are those giant sandals for.

The Sandsquatch

  Good super early morning to friendly readers. I'm sorry this is going to be so short, but I'm racing to catch a flight to Florida. 

  A fan of this blog contacted me earlier tonight and told me he spotted the illusive Sandsquatch on a beach in Fort Lauderdale.

  For those unfamiliar with the Sandsquatch, he is a relative of the Sasquatch who prefers wooded-beach areas.

  I'll try to give updates when I can. 

Letting It Go... In More Than One Way

  Don't you hate it when you get a song stuck in your head.  It's bad enough when the song lodges itself in there for a couple hours,  but when its there for days upon days... well that's just down right evil.

  I know this because for the last week I have had that song, 'Let It Go' from the animated blockbuster Frozen running through my head.

  So far nothing has been able to make it go away or at least replace it. However, I have found a way to deal with it.

  When a song runs through your head enough times you begin to really listen to the words.  And when that happens, you realize the song isn't about her ice powers and control,  but about a woman who has been repressing her stinky, loud gas and finally decides to not hold back anymore and just let it go.

  If you don't believe me, check out the lyrics from the song.  Which I've already looked up for you and posted below. Sadly, I will never listen to that song the same way ever again.

Lyrics to Let It Go

The snow glows white on the mountain tonight,
not a footprint to be seen.
A kingdom of isolation and it looks like I'm the queen.
The wind is howling like this swirling storm inside.
Couldn't keep it in, Heaven knows I tried.
Don't let them in, don't let them see.
Be the good girl you always have to be.
Conceal, don't feel, don't let them know.
Well, now they know!

Let it go, let it go!
Can't hold it back any more.
Let it go, let it go!
Turn away and slam the door.
I don't care what they're going to say.
Let the storm rage on.
The cold never bothered me anyway.

It's funny how some distance,
makes everything seem small.
And the fears that once controlled me, can't get to me at all
It's time to see what I can do,
to test the limits and break through.
No right, no wrong, no rules for me.
I'm free!

Let it go, let it go.
I am one with the wind and sky.
Let it go, let it go.
You'll never see me cry.
Here I'll stand, and here I'll stay.
Let the storm rage on.

My power flurries through the air into the ground.
My soul is spiraling in frozen fractals all around
And one thought crystallizes like an icy blast
I'm never going back; the past is in the past!

Let it go, let it go.
And I'll rise like the break of dawn.
Let it go, let it go
That perfect girl is gone
Here I stand, in the light of day.

Let the storm rage on!
The cold never bothered me anyway...

  See what I mean. Yucky

5 Things I Thought About While On My Lunch Break

Here are five things I thought about while sitting in my truck and enjoying this amazing weather.

     1.  I bet werewolves use an insane amount of Nair.

     2.  I know its possible to deep fry a Twinkie, but what about a Ho-Ho or Ding Dong.

     3.  Do all guys wish when they are stuck in a traffic jam that their car could transform into a flying car and attack those poor land locked cars?

     4.  Why don't they make bikini tops for men who have a little extra in the pectoral region. They could call them bro-kinis or his-kinis.

     5.  What do you think would happen if you texted a picture of your butt to the President of the United States and added 'LOL'? Do you think he would get mad or smile because you put 'LOL'?

The Real World: Illustra - Eyes On Who

Here is this weeks excerpt from The Real World: Illustra.

  This is the true story... of several heroes... picked to live in a state of the art beach house... and have their lives taped... to find out what happens... when people stop being polite... and start getting real... The Real World... Illustra.

Zombies Like Hugs Too

I couldn't sleep so I tried making some zombies.

Give Me A Break

  I don't mean to complain, but guess what... I'm gonna. Unless of course someone can give me a logical reason as to why I only get three breaks at work, but the people who smoke get five or six of them. I'm not all that great with math, but that doesn't seem fair to me.

  If one person is getting five or six breaks then I feel everyone should get five or six breaks. Getting extra breaks shouldn't just be a smoker's thing... but interesting enough, it is.

  There is no way I could go up to my supervisor and tell him I feel like I  need another break even though I just had one thirty minutes ago. I'm pretty sure he would laugh in my face and just tell me to get back to work. However, if I went up to that supervisor and told him I was craving some nicotine and wanted to take a quick smoke break, he would just nod his head and tell me not to take to long. Too bad I don't smoke.

  And you have to smoke. You can't go up to your supervisor and be like, "Oh man, I totally need an Oreo. Watch my machine while I go outside and twist open some cookies" or "Everything is getting really stressful. I need to go outside and do a few Mad Libs to help calm my nerves."

  What's worse is half the time you can't bring this concern to the attention of your supervisor, because he or she is also sneaking outside and taking extra breaks. Kind of makes complaining a little pointless.

  So, since I can't complain, I came up with my own solution. After some intense contemplation I realized there is one thing your supervisor and boss can never deny you... bathroom breaks. And the best part is, a bathroom break can take a minute or it can take as long as 30. It all depends on what you had to eat.

  I'm going to put my theory to the test tomorrow. , and when things slow down, I'll tell my boss I need to go to the bathroom. He has to say yes, right? I mean, he's not going to want me doing my little pee-pee dance where customers can see me. Once, he sends me I can go hang out in the bathroom for a bit and eat cookies or read some comics and maybe even watch some tv on my phone. The possibilities of what could be done in there are endless.

  If this works I may have found a loophole for all of us non-smokers out there. You have to love the loophole.



 

Godzilla And The Beach

The Real World: Illustra - The Peanut Butter Incident

  Here is this weeks excerpt from The Real World: Illustra.

  This is the true story... of several heroes... picked to live in a state of the art beach house... and have their lives taped... to find out what happens... when people stop being polite... and start getting real... The Real World... Illustra.

Things Human Resources Says I Can't Do Anymore

  Here's a few things the human resources guy at my company says I'm not allowed to do anymore. Sometimes I feel like they have it out for me.

     1.  I'm not allowed to empty all the metal out of a furnace and try to fill it with chocolate pudding anymore.

     2.  I can't do puppet shows for people in the the bathroom when the puppets are two white worms. Apparently it freaked some people out and for others caused confusion and some horrible things happened... I don't want to talk about it.

     3.  I have to stop sending subscriptions for Penthouse, Playboy, and Boy's Life to members of the board.

     4.  I have to stop using the presses to crack open walnuts.

     5.  The medicine cabinet is for emergencies only. Taking all the gauze out just so I can wrap myself up like a mummy is no longer prohibited. Playing mummy is not an emergency. Their words not mine. I'm guessing they never needed a Halloween costume at the last minute.

     6.  I have to stop telling people that our factory is built on top of an ancient Mayan burial ground.

     7.  I also have to stop using the intercom system to play the song, "Its a Small World" over and over again. Apparently, it gives some people horrible flashbacks.

Donkey Kong Blues

Keep the Good Times Going

Don't Do That. Don't Do This

  I swear. It seems like every time I go into work they've passed some new asinine rule.

  "Jim! No texting while you are on the floor!"
  "Hey! You can't race the fork lifts around like they're go carts."
  "You can't go around telling people to 'suck it'. Even if you do say it in a sing-songy voice."
  "Jim. You have to wear pants when you are at work. This is your last warning." I'm currently on my 19th last warning.

  And apparently now you can't walk around knocking over baskets of parts and people while roaring and claiming to be Godzilla. Or so says the person in the human resources, who's office I just left.

  I don't know why they were so fussy about the situation. Its not like I was knocking over baskets with new parts in them. These were old and defective and scheduled to be melted down later in the night.

  I even offered to pick up the parts afterwards which we all know Godzilla just wouldn't do.

  They thanked me for my offer, but told me it didn't matter if the parts were good or bad. That wasn't the point.

  So, I asked what was the point. Then I challenged him to find three things wrong with what I do.

  In response, I was given two typed single spaced pages with a 162 reasons as to why what I did was wrong. Hmm. I guess they put more thought into that than I expected them too. I won't bore you with all 162 of the alleged reasons, but I'll give you a few highlights.

    “…a danger to himself and others…”, “…questionable grasp on reality…”, “…makes weird faces…”, “…thinks Quidditch is a real sport…”

  Needless to say, that list goes on and on for quite a while.

  My “discussion” ended with the human resources person asking… almost begging me to be more careful and a little safer. I promised I would do my best.

  As I write this, a make shift ramp has been built and eight  of the companies biggest fork lifts were parked behind it. I'm sitting in a tiny battery powered golf cart and taking bets on how many fork lifts I can jump over.

  Hey, I'm keeping my promise. I’m doing my best to be safe and careful, but i've never jumped eight fork lifts with a golf cart before. Odds are I'm bound to miss some safety thingy.

  Maybe on Monday I’ll be called back down to human resources but for now I’m about to go down in the factory history books as Mr. Awesome Pants Who Jumps Fork Lifts… Awesome.

Happy Mother's Day

  To my mom, I just wanted to say thank you...

  ... Even if you did blame everyone of your gray hairs on me.

  Happy Mother's Day to all the special and caring moms out there.

Godzilla - Official Main Trailer [HD]

Hey Everyone. I'm pretty psyched about the new Godzilla movie coming out on May 16.

The Sideways Smile

  Have you ever found yourself sort of dreamily drifting through the day only to suddenly realize not only has nothing gone wrong, but everything is going impossibly right.

  You seem to find large amounts of money in the strangest of places. Everyone at work brings in cookies for no special occasion. You get a raise at your job. People whistle and ‘check you out’ wherever you go. Dogs and cats bow at your feet. You swear the air around you smells oddly like watermelon flavored Jolly Ranchers. Casting agents want you for the newest soap opera. And you win every time you do one of those instant win lottery scratch off tickets. It’s the perfect day.

  And as you walk down the sidewalk contemplating your good fortune, you happen upon an elderly gentleman bent over tying his shoes.

  Immediately you freeze. You can’t believe your seeing what you’re seeing. This can’t be happening. Not on your perfect day.

  Moments ago you were thinking of surprising your girlfriend or boyfriend with a romantic trip to Las Vegas and how all you can think about is the old man’s butt crack that’s pointed right at you.

  Its not fair. You didn’t ask to see it yet there it is peeking up at you. Mocking you. There really should be a law about who can and can’t show their butt crack or what is better known as the sideways smile.

  For instance, when your plumber comes over you expect to see the sideways smile. Its almost part of their 

uniform. You don’t, however, expect to catch your grandma flashing you ‘the smile’.

  Here’s a list of ten other people who’s sideways smiles you probably want to avoid at all costs, or risk having to burn out your eyes.

1.        Your dentist

2.       Your priest, rabbi, bishop or any other religious figure. (Except for the Pope. I just think it would be funny)

3.       The President of the United States

4.       Your server at the restaurant

5.       The health inspector

6.       A cop giving you a ticket

7.       The greeter at Wal-mart

8.       A manure inspector

9.       Your mom ( Sadly, its totally legal for dad's to show theirs. For some reason.)

10.   Someone who is known to have bad gas

Advice On Girls #1

  A guy i work with wanted my advice on how he could tell if this girl he has been hanging out with likes him as more than just a friend.

  At first I suggested that he just ask her, but that didn't go over well. He's a little on the shy side. So, I asked him if he knew if she had Googled him yet. He kind of tilted his head to the side, kind of like a confused puppy then slowly answered yes.

  I happily told him that she was very interested in him and that he should ask her out on a real date.

  The lesson to be learned here is that women will only Google a guy if she is interested in pursuing some kind of relationship with him. So, if you know a woman who mentions off hand that she has Googled you... immediately ask her out.

  You're welcome.

The Hand That Feeds

  This is not the sign you want to see while walking through the petting zoo.

Happy Fourth

Spider-Man Memes

Some Spider-Man memes to hold you over till the new movie comes out.

The Amazing Spider-Man 2 - Final Trailer (OFFICIAL)

Shaking Spider-Man To His Core

  Holy web shooters, Batman!!? The Amazing Spider-Man 2 premiers this Friday and for as much as I talk about the character, I can't believe I haven't written at least one post about it.

  That would be like saying you were excited about having tacos for dinner, but you never actually bought the meat, cheese or toppings. Just plain silliness.

  Well fear not true believers. I'm going to make up for the lack of Spidey related posts starting right now and I'm going big right out of the gate.

 How big is big, you ask. How about I start by busting one of the greatest myths in comic-dom.

  "With great power comes great responsibility". Never has a more awe-inspiring phrase ever been spoken... or in this case, written.

  For those of you who have been living in The Vault for the last 40 years or so, 'With great power comes great responsibility' is the motto by which Peter Parker/ Spider-Man lives his life.

  Without that simple principal to help guide him, who knows what kind of man Peter Parker would have become. Let alone what kind of hero.

  I guess we all owe Uncle Ben a debt of gratitude for that... You know. For when he sat Peter down on their front porch and as the sun slowly set in the distance, Uncle Ben explained the concepts of power and  responsibility. You remember that, right? It was in Amazing Fantasy #15... The big talk... The one where Uncle Ben says that famous phrase, ' With great power comes great responsibility'. You really still don't remember it?

    I suppose I can understand you forgetting. Especially since Uncle Ben never actually said it.

  That's right fellow nerds, go ahead and pick your mouth up off the floor, because you heard me correctly. Uncle Ben never gave Peter any such advice. No matter how many people or movies cite him as the source.

  In fact, if  anyone deserves a Nobel Peace Prize for Cool and Inspirational motto’s that will be quoted over and over again forever, it would be the narrator of that issue.

  Not that I’m trying to take anything away from Uncle Ben. I’m sure he had a lot of deep and meaningful things to say that affected Peter’s life. Just not this one really big really important thing.

  Oh, here's another nugget of related Spider-man trivia for you. 

  The saying, ' With great power comes great responsibility' was not the only phrase the writers were considering. There were actually over 80 other possibilities being tossed around. Some were okay and some were so bad all I could do was shake my head, sigh and lose all faith in humanity.

  Its lucky for us they chose the one they did, but just to show you how wrong things could have gone, I've selected a few sayings from the list of other possibilities and posted them below.

     -  With great power comes other stuff

     -  Don't screw up, Parker!
     -  You take the good/ You take the bad. You take them both and there you have... The Facts of Life
     -  Good deeds are the sprinkles on life's ice cream
     -  Kick butt. Take names. Let God sort them out.
     -  don't be a zero. Be a Hero

  I could go on, but trust me, they don't get any better. No sense in putting you through all that pain and suffering. The premier is in just two days and this is supposed to be a happy and joyful time. And so maybe Uncle Ben didn't say 'With great power comes great responsibility'. You know he eventually would have said it, so I still give him credit.

  Now go dig out your favorite Spider-Man t-shirt, pre-buy your tickets online and I'll see you at the theater.