I'm positive at least half of you are of similar opinion. The other half, by now, have pulled out and are willing their copies of Paranormal Activity and The Exorcist, screaming, "What about these? Have you seen these?"
I have. Multiple times. They are both excellent examples of how scary and suspenseful horror films can be when they are done right. Which is kind of the problem. They aren't always done right.
Now, don't misunderstand, I'm not saying that every zombie movie ever made has been perfect. In fact, I can count the number of true greats on one hand. But that's why they are they best.
It doesn't matter if I'm watching the best zombie movie ever, or the worst. I can always find something to appreciate.Whether its the suspense, the gore or just being so ridiculous that it makes me laugh, there's always something.
The thing about zombie movies though is that once you see so many of them so many times, you begin to put yourself in the character's shoes.You start to question the character's choices. Compare how they handled a situation to how you would handle it. And that's when you realize, a lot of people who die in the first round of the zombie apocalypse, deserve to die.
I guess it's not really their fault. Yes, zombie movies have been around for well over 40 years, so you would think there would be some kind of basic knowledge. But I guess you really can't count that as actual training.
That's why I am currently trying to pass a bill that would require every person living in the United States to go through a two week course called, 'How to Survive the Zombie Apocalypse'.
Below are a few of the more important techniques we would teach in the class.
1) People should be allowed to carry an axe or sword with them at all times. Its just a matter of being prepared. Why do so many people die right away? No weapons that are readily accessible. Carry a sword or axe with you and your chances of survival greatly increase.
2) People need to get used to 'swinging first, asking questions' later. If something moans or tries to grab you from behind, swing your axe as you spin around. Zombies are the masters of the sneak attack. Which is odd. You know, because of all the moaning. And yes, there may be a few accidents initially from people sneaking up behind you and grabbing your shoulders or covering your eyes. But to be honest, those people are fairly annoying.
3) I want it to be mandatory that whenever a coffin is put into the ground, it must also be encased in a box made out of three feet thick concrete. This way none of the undead will be crawling their way back up to the surface. As a bonus, it's pretty effective at containing vampires too.
4) Carry pieces of raw meat in your backpack or purse. This can be used when you need to slow down a horde of zombies that want to make you their lunch. All you have to do is toss the meat behind you and keep on running. Don't look back.
By the way, zombies don't care if the meat is fresh or not. So, don't worry about buying fresh meat every couple days. Just remember to keep it in an air tight container. Otherwise, zombies aren't the only things you'll be distracting.
And finally, the most important bit of training you need is...
5) You need acting lessons. If zombie movies have taught us anything, its that sometimes pretending to be a zombie is all you need to do to survive. But something else to remember is that zombies are really good at picking out fakers, so be sure to bring your 'A' game.
