Dorthy Gets A Shock

Happy New Year 2015

Doctor Who Memes

Science Makes Amazing Leap In Weight Loss

  As I sit here and peck out yet another daffy blog post while watching the Matrix for the first time, I  can't help but think about all the huge leaps in technological advancement I have been lucky enough to bare witness to. Although, I suppose my parents probably thought the same thing as they were growing up and I'm sure my kids will feel the same way.

  Thanks to technology I can now lean back in a chair and marvel at the beautiful Las Vegas skyline with my computer on my lap opposed to a few decades ago when the parts for just one computer would take up entire building floors.

  I think it is safe to say that all the advancements in technology have definitely had a huge impact on my life. They have affected how I listen to music, watch tv and movies, play games, communicate and share with other people and most importantly how I maintain my health.

  The thing is, with all these advancements, you would think by now that nothing could surprise me. Well, if that's what you think then you allow me to introduce you to Garcinia Cambogia, the latest in weight loss pills.

  Like I do when I see any of these supposed weight loss scams, I rolled my eyes and groaned at the idea of some poor insecure person shelling out good money with the belief that taking a few of these pills will morph them into the next Bar Refaeli or Brad Pitt.

  However, being the type of person who doesn't like to mock what he doesn't understand, I continued to read up on all the information there was on Garcinia Cambogia. Which wasn't all that much.

  The investigations that were conducted upon this new super weight loss pill read like the owners manual for an Ikea entertainment center. I couldn't make heads or tails about what I was looking at. I picked up bits and pieces, but the scientific double talk was way beyond what I could understand. There was stuff about converting your bodies cells into little fat burning furnace's and hyper weight loss and absorption of fat, but that was all I understood.

  Instead, I decided to forgo the agonizing mumbo jumbo and go right to the before and after pictures. That would tell me everything I needed to know. And what it told me was science has once again pushed the envelope and as usual it might have gone just a little to far.

  So, what is Garcinia Cambogia? According to the before and after pictures it is a drug that doesn't so much help you lose weight as it does redistribute that weight to more desired areas. In other words, it turns your breasts into giant (or average sized) fat magnets.

  Here's an example of just how effective Garcinia Cambogia is and what it does.

  As you can see. The woman didn't lose any actual weight. All those extra pounds were just absorbed right into her breasts.

  Plastic surgeons were the first medical professionals to come forward to denounce the drug, but others are saying this is more out fear than anything to do with actual medical concerns. After all, from what I have been told, when women lose weight their breasts tend to also get smaller. But... if losing weight not only lead to a smaller body but larger breasts then those same plastic surgeons would be out of jobs. So, I guess you can see why they might be worried.

  The biggest questions I have is, How would this affect men? Would our pecks get bigger or would something else? Would even be effective on men? And if it only works on women I would question who actually developed this drug. Was it some Big Farm company or was it Hugh Hefner in attempt to ensure his magazine never runs of a supply of models?

  In the name of science I might give this drug a try. I could certainly stand to lose a few pounds. I will admit I am a little worried that I might develop a set of breasts though. If that happened I'm sure I wouldn't be able to keep my job in the factory anymore. Not with the guys I work with. I don't think I could handle all those stares. MY EYES ARE UP HERE, GUYS! On the bright side, maybe I could get a job modeling for one of those magazines.

  

  

A Message From My Mom

  When I finally fixed my Samsung Galaxy S3,  I was in for quite a surprise.  It seems in the week I was waiting for Sprint to send me my new phone a change had occurred.

  I'm guessing in an attempt to make things easier for their  customers, Sprint started converting voicemails to text messages. An idea I am behind 100%. Anything that saves me the time of having to listen to dozens of boring text messages every day I would consider a blessing from God... If it worked that is.

  The voicemail to text translation is normally only about 10% accurate.  Which means I still have to listen to my voicemail messages. On the brighter side,  the translations are like really messed up word puzzles.  So, they help keep my mind sharp.

  Here's an example of how accurate the voicemail to text message system is. Below is a message I received from my mom this morning. First, I'll give you the phone translation of the voice message followed by what my mom really said.

Voicemail Translation:

Hi wendy and ellen snow point and ... she's.

Mom's Actual Message:

Hi Jimmy. Are you still in bed? Talk to you later.

  It pretty much got only the 'hi' part right.

  I'm so glad Sprint has started offering this amazing service. At first I was surprised they were just giving it away.  Now I see why. Thanks Sprint. Woohoo.

Here's Your Sign

  So, I think it's safe to assume all campgrounds have a certain number of rules they expect you to follow. I think this one might have a little more than most.

Transformers: Age of Extinction - A Need To Know Fact

  Too be honest, the thought of writing a review of the newest toy commercial / movie in the Transformers series, Transformers: Age of Extinction, never really crossed my mind. Sure, I figured I would end up doing a meme or two, but that was the extent of my time I planned on devoting to the movie... That is until I went to see it.

  I still don't plan on reviewing the movie, because really what is there to say. If you go to a Transformers movie you all ready know what to expect: Lots of explosions, some cheesy dialogue and Rock 'Em Sock 'Em Robots on a massive scale. What you may not be expecting is a movie that clocks in at 165 minutes. I know I wasn't.

  If I had known the movie was going to be that long, I definitely would not have bought the large drink. Seriously, there needs to be a sign at the concession counter stating, "The movie you are about to see is close to three hours long. If you don't have an aisle seat, you may want to consider getting a small drink."

  About two hours into the movie, the realization that my bladder was losing the battle against the Diet Coke I kept sipping on suddenly sank in. I spent the next hour trying to think of a way to casually sneak past everyone else in the row without looking like I had just been shot in the stomach. Because as all men know, when you have to go to the bathroom that bad, you don't walk like you normally do. Instead, you hunch over a little bit, move really slow and wince with every step you take.

   I figured it would take me roughly 15 minutes just to make it from my seat to the end of the row and to the aisle. So, I decided to suck it up and hold it. Not the wisest decision I had ever made.

  When the first ending credit hit the screen, I intended to launch up out of my seat and on to my feet, but that didn't happen. I actually had to have my girlfriend help me up. And as I rose, I saw men all around me struggling to do the same. This meant only one thing... the race was on.

  Like new born giraffes trying to learn to walk, men were limping and stumbling to beat one another to the ultimate prize. A spot at one of four stalls in the bathroom. As I made my way up the aisle to the doors that opened up to the lobby, I could hear my girlfriend yelling behind me, "Go! Go! Go!"

  What she didn't realize was that I was already going as fast as I could. I'm pretty sure my grandpa who used a walker to get around could have easily passed me.

  When I finally made it to the bathroom (I came in second place by the way)
all you could hear was a sigh of relief from four men that was so intense in volume and force that it could have shattered glass. And at the end, I walked out of that bathroom feeling renewed, alive and like a survivor.

  Sure, the movie finally gave us the Dinobots we have been craving to see, but all I really took from the movie was this lesson... long movie = small drink. Its a simple equation that will save you a lot of pain.