5-Hour Energy Shots or Zombies

  Everyday I walk through this ho-hum world feeling as if there is something missing. Something that will make the world more vivid and pop with color. Something that brings everything to life and fills the day with excitement. For the longest time I pondered this, and came up with nothing. That is until one night, while eating a bowl of Frankenberry, I finally figured out what life needed. It needs zombies.

  Yep, you heard me. The world needs some good old fashion brain eating zombies. What better way to feel alive than being chased by the undead.

  Look at it this way. Everyday you wake up, drive to work, sit behind a desk for eight hours and then you go home. Do you ever wonder why 5-Hour Energy sells around nine million bottles of its energy shot a week? It's because most of lives are so insanely boring that we just can't stay awake. However, there are a rare few times when our hearts beat faster, our brains start working a mile a minute, endorphins increase and we appreciate our lives 300% more than we did before. I know a lot of people just guessed that I am speaking of love, and those people would be terribly wrong. I am actually referring to those times in your life when you almost died.

An actual study conducted by real scientists

  The time when some whacked out driver almost smashed his car into yours or when you were trying to fix something on your roof and almost fall off or when you were mugged or...you guessed it, were almost eaten by zombies.

  If you add the possibility of being eaten by a zombie to your daily routines, nothing would ever be boring again. No matter what you do during your day, there would always be a chance you could be eaten by a couple zombies. Would that not make you appreciate life so much more? Damn straight it would. Going to the grocery store goes from a risk factor of one to a chart topping ten.

  The risk factor scale only goes to ten, because we would be using the slow moving zombies. The ones who you can easily get away from as long as you don't slip and fall. Fast moving zombies were considered at one point, but it was decided that 60% of the population wouldn't be able to get away. Plus, the fast moving zombies are just so much more expensive. By using the cheaper, slower model zombie, that estimate went down to only about 3% of the population not being able to get away. For the rest of us, we would just be appreciating life on a higher level.

  Also, just think about how much fuller you would live your  life if there was the constant possibility of being eaten. Traffic jams would cease to occur, entire work meetings would be completed in under five minutes and no one would ever want to stay late alone at the office. This would make more time for you to spend with friends and family while doing things you actually care about.

  Sure there is around a 3% chance you might be eaten. However, on the the other hand, there is a 97% chance you will live life to the fullest everyday. Call me crazy, but those are odds I can deal with. How about you?

 


 

 

 

The Right To Bear Arms

  It’s a well known fact that people  love to be a part of history. We literally reenact everything from repeating wedding vows to recreating crime scenes to famous moments in history. Until recently, the go-to for historical reenactments has been recreating famous battles between the North and the South.  Why we became so focused on this bit of history I will never know. I mean, I wouldn’t mind seeing famous battles between cave people and the dinosaurs or the time George Washington went on that cherry tree massacre reenacted. And for once, it seems the government agreed with me.

  On August 3, 2012, top officials in the United States government assembled to reenact the signing of one of the greatest documents in our history. The United States Constitution. The event was broadcast live on every tv and radio station in the United States. It wasn’t until 2:37 pm on August 4, 2012, that people realized a mistake had occurred in the wording of the new United States Constitution. More specifically in the Second Amendment – Bearing Arms.

  The Second Amendment basically states that a well regulated Militia, being necessary to the security of a free state, gives people the right to bear arms and this right shall not be infringed upon. 

  However, due to a few misplaced words the Second Amendment  now states that  in order to have a well regulated militia, being necessary to the security of a free state, gives bears the right to bear arms and this right shall not be infringed upon. In even simpler terms this means that while Smokey is out there preventing forest fires and he’s doing it with a double barrel sawed off shotgun strapped to his back.

  Smokey isn’t the only bear to have taken advantage of this new law. At a comedy club in Portland, Oregon, Fozzie Bear has held an audience captive for the last two days. He says no one gets to leave till he gets the jokes worked out for his upcoming Comedy Central special. In Jellystone National Park, Yogi and Boo Boo  have given up their crazy schemes for simply holding people up at gun point for their picnic baskets. Snuggle, the fabric softener bear, has given up doing laundry in favor of kidnapping people at gun point and selling them as laundry slaves on the black market.  And the most shocking report so far is that Winnie the Pooh has been robbing grocery stores and taking entire shelves of honey.

  A security camera In the Waunakee, Wisconsin, Piggly Wiggly not only captured footage of Winnie the Pooh running to the exit doors with a handgun in the air and pushing a shopping cart full of honey but also him yelling, “I’m sick of getting my butt stuck in trees just because I want to eat. Do you know how embarrassing that is, and I know that little douche, Christopher Robin is always laughing at me. Well, who is laughing now ya little punk.”

  President Obama has been very outspoken in his disapproval over the poor attention to detail and copy editing that has lead to this situation. He has also been quick to assure people that this amendment will be fixed, but that since it’s the weekend the soonest any voting can take place would be on Monday.  Until then, President Obama  recommends everyone try to stay indoors and avoid contact with any bears if possible. Every bear is to be considered armed and dangerous and all-in-all pretty ticked off.

  I really don’t think I am in any danger, but just to be sure I am going to follow the President’s advice to the letter. Plus, I am going to leave a big old fricking box of honey on my porch. I figure what can it hurt. Until the President gives the all clear on this bear thing, I am going to just sit in my house and catch up on the last three seasons of Burn Notice.