A Lifetime Of Knowledge

  It's that time of year again when I get a year older and a year closer to shaking hands with the old Grim Reaper. Yeah, I see him back there rubbing his hands together. He's not the most patient of fellows, but that's fine. I still have a few things I need to do before we meet.

  One of which is to pass on all the wisdom I have acquired during my life. Sure, my advice may not be on the same level as Socrates, Shakespeare or Einstein, but I still feel it is worthwhile. My advice may never save your life, but odds are it won't kill you either...theoretically anyway.

  Oh, just so you know, I'm not sharing all of my advice and wisdom in just this one post. I'm starting with just the top ten things. I only mention this, because I know someone is going to be like, "He only listed ten things. How wise can he truly be." Rest assured that I have crap loads of wisdom to share with you. I just don't want to blow your minds. I'm polite like that. Consider that a bonus piece of wisdom from me. You're welcome. Here are the other ten.

1.  Don't stick you fingers or tongue in electrical sockets. That seriously hurts and you end up looking like Don King.

2.  Don't answer any questions your girlfriend brings to you about her looks or how she is dressed. It's a trick question and can not be answered with leading to a fight.

3.  Ladies, do not pull your boyfriends finger. No matter what he promises, nothing that smells like roses will come out. More likely you will hear something akin to a wet sick fog horn.

4.  Spandex is not for everyone. Seriously.

5.  Pizza is the perfect balance of all four food groups.

6.  Streaking while wearing a Batman mask will get you a talking to by the police. The funny thing is that while they are doing it, they never make eye contact with you.

7.  People who say they are hiking because it is good exercise are lying. They do it in hopes of seeing Bigfoot and are to embarrassed to admit it.

8.  There is a 70% chance that every time you go to a fast food place, they will screw up your order somehow.

9.  Even the most well spoken guy can speak 'street' in a threatening manner when he hears a noise and he is home alone at night. Example: "Hey! Who's out there? I got a big ass dog in here!" Makes barking noises. "You fo' su' don't want any of this, so you better get ta steppin!!!"

10. If there ever is a zombie apocalypse, make sure you are always in front of your friends when running away from a zombie horde. This way no one can trip you.

  Well, there you have it. Ten bits of wisdom that will change your life. Probably. Maybe...Anyway, until next time, peace out girl scout.