The case I following up on involved a U.F.O. abductee. For decades aliens have been accused of preforming horrible acts like cow mutilations, anal-probing, tampering with human DNA and several other things. The one thing they have never been accused of is discrimination. Until now that is.
For those of you who don't follow this stuff quite as closely as I do, which I am assuming is like 93% of the population, let me fill you in on the details of what happened.
On Sat., April 3, Eugene Eckerman was once again returning early and unsuccessful from speed dating at his church. Like any shrewd businessman, Eugene was running over the evening in his head trying to figure out how it had gone so bad, so fast.
He knew it wasn't his clothes because his mom had personally laid them out for him. It couldn't be his car. That was a neon purple convertible station wagon. He wore Drakkar Noir and he knew for a fact women loved the smell of it. In high school that was what all the girls talked about. His hair was...maybe it was his hair. Eugene had once heard how all the guys in Hollywood were frosting their tips. He kept his hair pretty short, but he was confident he could pull it off. Just as Eugene picked up his cell phone to call his hair stylist, something emitting a bright light zoomed over his car and quickly out of sight.
Before he could express one of the thirty expletives that was racing through his head, his car suddenly sputtered then lost power.
Eugene let out a loud sigh and groan, then switched from trying to call his hair stylist to finding a tow truck. It was then he noticed the light was back, much lower this time and so bright he could barely see passed his windshield. So, he closed his eyes. That was the last thing Eugene remembered doing before he woke up inside the U.F.O.
As he awoke, Eugene could hear some voices. The voices weren't in English or any human dialect that he recognized, but one thing did stand out. He swore he could hear laughter. It took sometime, but his eyes finally were able to focus. When he tried to rub them, nothing happened. His arms weren't moving. Eugene struggled and thrashed as best he could, but to no avail. His arms weren't the only things that were secured. He also couldn't move his waist or legs.
Lifting his head as far as he could, Eugene struggled to take in his surroundings. The room was very white. The type of white you would expect an ultra disinfected surgical room to be. Eugene thought the set designers from Star Trek must have designed the room. There were a few control panels and couple chairs. As Eugene's eyes scanned the room, he passed over two figures in the corner. They were aliens.
They pointed at him and giggled. Yes, he was sure they were giggling. Just as Eugene was about to say something, one of the aliens turned to what he assumed was a computer. As she moved her fingers over the buttons, a picture of David Beckham came into focus. The two aliens looked at the picture and said, "Jeenow". Eugene assumed that was alien for "Wow" or "Oh, he is so sexy and he knows it."
Several times the aliens, who Eugene was guessing were females, pointed from him to the picture of David Beckham. Finally, they pointed one last time at Eugene, shook their heads and laughed. Yes, this was an out and out laugh.
The alien who initially pulled up the picture of David Beckham went back to the computer and hit a few buttons. Eugene was so focused on what she was doing, that he never noticed a device with a long gun like barrel lowering down and pointing at the side of his head.
Again it seems Eugene was a bit to slow vocalizing his favorite expletives, because just as he opened his mouth a bright circle of light formed at the end of the barrel. The light grew and grew till once again, he couldn't see anything and passed out.
According to the clock in his car, where Eugene came to, only 15 minutes had passed. He would later come to find that he was missing for over 10 hours. as Eugene tried to make sense of what happened, he found a card attached to the front of his shirt. He half expected it to be in some alien language but was slightly relieved when he saw it was in English. The note read:
"You have been rejected due
to the fact you appear to be
facially compromised. Thank
you for your time.
- Alpha Sigma Alpha (Milky Way Chapter)
After sharing the details of his return, Eugene falls silent. I try to make him feel better by telling him he wasn't the first person to be rejected for the alien breeding program. I guess knowing that Carrot Top was the last person to be rejected wasn't exactly reassuring to him. However, for all of us who are facially compromised we can take a breath and relax. However, when you suddenly realize that Robert Downey Jr. hasn't made a movie in six years, now you know why.
Aliens might be superficial, but they aren't stupid.
