Where Furniture Goes to Die and My New/Used Table

  It's not often I make what I consider to be an adult purchase. And by that I mean buying something that falls into the category of cars, houses, furniture, etc.

  However, last Sunday, one of these purchases kind of snuck up on me during a spur of the moment trip to St Vincent de Paul.

  My girlfriend loves throwing parties of any type. Whether they be themed, casual or more on the fancy side, she definitely knows how to entertain. Lately, she has started hosting Sex and the City themed get togethers. From what I've been told, my girlfriend and her friends drink two to three Cosmos each, play a few rounds of a Sex and the City trivia game and then pick a few their episodes to watch. I guess there is also food. Like I said, I'm only going on what I have been told. These tend to be a ladies only affair.

  Her Sex and the City parties have become so popular that last Sunday I was informed she wanted to go to St Vincent de Paul to quest for some new/used Martini glasses. And given the fact, she had already agreed to go to the comic book store with me, I figured, "why not". Besides, I figured they have at the most, two shelves dedicated to glassware. We would be in and out in just a few minutes... Man, I couldn't have been more wrong.

  There were two entire aisles filled with all sorts of glassware. There were drinking glasses, shot glasses, mugs with silly sayings, beer steins, etc. Luckily, my girlfriend is observant and saw the hint of boredom starting to glaze over my eyes. She recommended I look around for a bit.

  So, I did. I wandered the aisles not sure what treasures from the past were out there, but it seemed every few steps I came across one. It would take forever to list all the gems I found, so here are just a few of the more sparkly ones. I discovered a 56k phone modem, a VHS rewinding machine that was definitely bigger than a toaster, a do-it-yourself hair removal kit complete with an already opened jar of wax and slightly scary looking teddy bear that looked as if it had been fighting in the UFC up until its being donated.

  The biggest prize in the place, however, I discovered amongst a pile of what I assumed was once functional furniture. This was furniture people cared for and were proud of. Now, I felt like I was looking at the rarely seen furniture graveyard. This was the place that furniture came to die. And then just as I turned to walk away I saw it. A light brown finish. I'm not sure why, but I ventured not only back to the furniture graveyard but into it. Like an archaeologist on a dig, I began sifting through the layers of old desks that looked like they would be useful for nothing more than kindle and pushed aside an entertainment said that was now being held together with just a few screws and clamps. I dug and dug until finally I revealed my find. A oval shaped coffee table.

  I checked the table over. There were a couple of scratches and a water ring, but other than that the table was in good condition. I honestly thought about buying  it, but changed my mind due to the fact the color was really dull. Plus, there was nothing wrong with eating all my meals on the floor of ,my apartment, and a table would just take up a lot of extra room.  To prove the point to myself, I went and borrowed a paper towel from the cashier then ran the towel over the top of the table. Immediately, I saw a difference. Where the towel had touched now shined brightly.

  Okay, I was back in. Although, I was still hesitant to make the leap from admiring to purchasing. The price was definitely right. At $19.00, it fit right into my budget. And I knew with a little polishing I could bring this table back to life. Maybe even get one of those pens from Menards or Home Depot to color in a few of those scratches. There was only one thing holding me back, and to me it seemed like a perfectly logical reason to be hesitant.

  I didn't know the history of this table. It would suit my purposes to believe this table came from a happy home with a loving couple, but it could have just as easily came from a much darker place filled with hate and loathing. So, it is possible that this table could just as easily be cursed or maybe even haunted. Such a dilemma. I knew the table would look great in my apartment, but would that be worth letting a demon in. You know, once those things set up shop some where, they are a pain to get rid of.

  After ten minutes of pondering and weighing options, I was no closer to a decision. I needed help. I needed... to return to the glassware aisles and get some advice.

  I'm not sure where she found it, but when I came across my girlfriend still looking at glassware, I noticed she was holding a fondue pot. I told her what I had found and presented both sides of the argument to her as to why I should buy the coffee table and why I shouldn't. She took about 15 seconds to think then told me to get it.

  I asked her if she was sure and she responded by looking me straight in the eyes and saying, "Get it! I'm sick of sitting on your floor to eat or not having anything to set a drink on."

  Fifteen minutes later, we were unloading the coffee table from her van and then carefully manipulating it into the elevator at my apartment.  It took a little longer than I thought it would to maneuver the table down the hall and into my apartment, but once we set it down, that's when stuff got real.

My new/used possibly haunted coffee table

  I tightened up all the legs on the table and spent a good ten minutes polishing it. I checked to see how many scratches there were and waited for my tables newly restored shine to either diminish or go away completely once the Pledge had dried. A half hour later and the shine was still there. It was time to put the table in its new home, the spot in front of my couch. I looked upon my adult purchase and smiled. I then promptly plopped on to the couch and put my feet up on the table. Yep, this was perfect.

  The coffee table has now been in my possession for a week and so far my walls aren't bleeding and I'm not being terrorized by the ghost of someones grandma. Although, that's not to say some issues haven't arose.  For instance, except for when I use it to eat on, my coffee table remains barren. I feel the time has come to decorate it or create some sort of center piece. I haven't come up with any ideas yet ,but I am confident I shall soon.

  The other issue is the water ring. I know it's there and I don't really have a problem with it, but I find myself being very adult like in the fact that I want to prevent anymore. Obviously, the best way to do this is by using coasters. Easy fix, right? Eh, kind of. See, there aren't really a ton of coasters out there that I think would be cool and they ones I did find were like $20 for a set of four. Screw that.

  So, I did a little research and I have decided to get my craft on. By Friday, I will let you know how things went. Either I will have some of the coolest coasters ever, or I will be wishing I had just gone ahead and ordered some online. Either way, it will be interesting to see how things turn out, and I look forward to reading what you think. See you in five days.

Store Offers Customers Some Tail...and Gills

  Those of you who have been following my blog for a while know by now that I am not one who follows the daily news stories very closely. So, when something in the news does manage to capture my attention you know it has to be either insanely bizarre or very shocking.

  The report I heard today on Fox News had a little bit of both. My favorite.

  The video opened on a small aquarium and fish store in Hamilton, Illinois. There didn't seem to be anything special or unusual about the place. And my observation was confirmed a mere second later, when the reporter walked in front of the store and said, "This appears to be just  a small aquarium and fish store. Nothing special or unusual about it."

  Now there were images of the inside of the store. Families were happily shopping for fish while others perused the different sized fish tanks and a large variety of decorations for inside the tank. The reporter continued, "During the day this store brings smiles to families and finds a home for a wide variety of fish. But, once the sun goes down and darkness wraps its eerie tentacles around everything... this establishment provides anything but family entertainment."

  This caught my attention, but it wouldn't have held it if the reporter hadn't added this next part accompanied by video. "You see, at night, this family friendly aquarium and fish store locks the gates, closes the curtains and offers a form of entertainment that appeals only to the lonely and the sick of heart. This is an exotic fish dancing club."

  Okay, I was hooked. I listened intently as the reporter detailed the sudden rise of exotic fish dancing clubs. He went onto explain how several months ago, the Chicago Police began fielding an increased number of domestic abuse reports. All seeming to be inspired by wives finding out their husbands were frequently a new, edgy exotic dance club.

  The number of reports was so great that the police decided to check out the club, having already obtained the address from a husband who's wife broke his nose in two places and threatened to light his underwear on fire with him in them if he didn't give up the address.

  Now they were showing footage of the initial raid. Police broke into a dimly lit aquarium store, but instead of rows and rows of fish tanks there were splintering tables. Each one with its own fish tank and inside the tank, a fish was dancing seductively as the men at the table threw money at the tank,

  The police had stumbled upon a club were unwanted fish dance for the attention of men and their dirty money. Such a place had initially only been believed to be stories or the fodder of so many urban legends, but now the truth was out.

  Raids were being conducted not only through the entire city of Chicago and Illinois, but all across the country.

  The camera now was focused on the reporter in a so-so decorated interviewing room with a Beta fish, who wouldn't directly at the camera or the interviewer. He asked the Beta, who's stage name was Krsytal, how she got into the business. The story seemed like one I had heard too many times before. She had felt unwanted. No one wanted to take her home and give her love and nice place to swim. So, she gave up on looking for love and family, instead settling for just the attention of men. She would swim and dance for men in exchange for money and sometimes drugs. "Crack is a horrible drug," Krystal whispered as the the video footage switched again to the raid.

  Men, tried to cover their faces, and fish hid inside their castles or treasure chests. All trying to avoid being captured on video and ending up on the 10:00 news. I'm pretty sure I even saw a few pro-testers.

  I couldn't believe what I was seeing. Never could have I imagined such places existed, let alone have them appear in my own city. I desperately wanted the reporter to end his story by telling us what was going to happen to all these men and the slutty fish who danced for them.

  The reporter ended his story by reassuring everyone that the police were doing everything in their power to finally bring down the last of the 'backroom' exotic fish dancing clubs, but it would take time and people needed to be patient. Until then, he recommended people keep an eye open at their local aquarium and fish stores for anything.. well, fishy, going on.

  This may sound weird but I'm pretty sure the last time I went to Neptune's Aquarium Shop, I saw a Clown Fish dressed in pleather and carrying a little whip.  I am going to go back and really check the place over. The last thing I want to do is buy my four year old niece a fish that is into S&M.

TMGEEZ: The NASA/Kardashian Program

  Through out history scientists have always looked toward the heavens when it came to solving the mysteries of the world and finding ways to protect it. Today scientists are no different.

  NASA and the Department of Defense received a wake up call concerning earth to outer space defenses this past Friday when a chunk of the DA14 asteroid exploded over Russia. Windows shattered and walls collapsed and an estimated 1,000 people were injured from the sonic boom created by the explosion.

  Both agencies agreed that such an event could not be allowed to occur in the United States of America. When NASA asked the DOD what their plan was, they just shrugged their shoulders and said, "We thought you had the plan."

  After a little research it became pretty clear that no one had a plan. No one except a man by the name of Randall McGee, NASA  janitor. He suggested not blowing the incoming object up, because the remains could shower down upon the earth and cause severe or even fatal damage. Instead, he presented a different theory that involved  using a large bouncee, cushionee object  to repel the danger back into space.

  NASA and the DOD agreed to the plan and immediately set out to find what material would work best for bouncing a falling object back into space. Over the next two days, over 674 types of materials and objects were tested with no positive results. It wasn't until Sunday night that the perfect object to use was finally discovered, and that happened almost completely by accident.

  According to McGee, it had been a long day and the majority of the research staff went home. As usual, several people had left their monitors on and as usual he would walk through and shut everything off. It wasn't until McGee went to shut down one computer but immediately stopped and became mesmerized by what he was seeing on the screen. It was a video starring reality star, Kim Kardashian.

  He watched in awe as Kim absorbed everything that was thrown at her, yet she still remained unharmed. In fact, she seemed to act as if nothing had even happened. This is what led McGee to make a change to his plan. Instead of deflecting the object back into outer space it would be absorbed.


NASA shows how new plan could have saved several Russians

  NASA and the DOD agreed to McGee's change of swapping the pile of super soft yet bouncy pillows to Kim Kardashian's butt. Countless tests have revealed that Kim's butt is the only object in the universe capable of absorbing so much energy. It is believed that after a day or two, the space object should safely pass through Kim's system not only sterilizing the object of any germs but also also absorbing any radiation from the object. 

  The new plan still has a few bugs to work out, but sources close to Kim Kardashian say she is excited to be a part of the project and will do whatever she can to help out. NASA projects that, if everything goes smoothly, by September of this year, the NASA/Kardashian Program should be ready to launch.

Valentine's Day Life Lesson

  Today, I learned a very valuable life lesson. Not what the inherent dangers of dressing  a honey badger up to look like Justin Bieber are or what H.P.V. stands for or even what happens when you use more laundry detergent than the recommended amount or any other such things. This lesson was all about love, or more precisely, the lack there of.

  See, yesterday was loves biggest, most commercial day of the year. No, not 50% off night at Chubby's Exotic Dance Club. I'm talking about only the most exclusive holiday of them all, Valentine's Day.

  I call Valentine's Day an exclusive holiday, because it's really the only holiday that has restrictions.

  Let's face it. Valentine's Day is essentially a holiday for couples. True, there are plenty of men and women who proclaim that they don't need a significant other to enjoy the holiday. And technically this is true. Although, I compare it to being single and purposely showing up to the skating ring on couples only skate night. Everyone smiles at you, but deep down you know they are just pitying you because you're alone.

  It's this very reason, that I avoid asking people what they did on Valentine's Day. I'm always worried someone is going to be like, "I just sat at home, ate a whole pizza by myself and watched tv because no guys like me" or "Not so good. Jenny broke up with me for  her tax guy" or ...well, you get the idea.

  There's a lot of pressure to be with someone just so you aren't alone. I know people who have said yes to dates with some pretty crazy creepers just so they wouldn't be alone on Valentine's Day.

  That's why I feel maybe Valentine's Day needs an overhaul starting with the name. How a holiday named after a massacre caught on is beyond me, but I'm thinking we change the name to something a tad more friendly. Perhaps call it, Hey You Day or Have You Met Me Day.

  In addition to changing the name, I feel that instead of being geared towards couples in love anyone would be allowed to celebrate. Single or not, it wouldn't matter. The whole purpose of the day would be to just learn a little more about the people around you and treat everyone with respect. I think the world needs that more than it needs paper Valentine's with Justin Bieber on them and 'coked out' looking frogs clutching tightly to plush hearts with cute phrases stitched on them.

  Oh, and for those of you concerned about your heart boxes filled with chocolate, you need not worry. The giving and receiving of candy would definitely remain a part of the holiday. Logically, it only makes sense. Giving people things makes them happy and chocolate definitely makes people happy. So, it would be an irrational action to remove candy when it obviously brings people closer together.

  And after all, isn't that what should be happening on Valentine's Day. People coming together whether they single or a couple or whatever, to give each other candy.

 

Fall's Top Three TV Shows

  I know this is going to sound bad, but it never ceases to amaze me that when we help others we are in fact helping ourselves.

  For instance, recently I posted a few tips and hints on how to become famous, which apparently alot of you found to be quite helpful. Especially, one loyal reader, who informed me he was going to follow his dream by auditioning for So You Think Can Whistle.



Arnold giving advice on his new talk show

  Since that post I came up with 100 ideas for new and revamped television shows. Of those 100 ideas only about 65 were possible to make due to technological limitations. Of that 65, maybe 40 of those scripts would be approved by Standards and Practices (tv's moral police). And of the 40, only 16 don't involve having to train a monkey how to use a sword. Of those 16 ideas, only 3 would actually be of interest to a mass audience.

  So, I submit to you three shows that will dominate the upcoming fall television line up.

1.  The 'Real' World - It will have fighting. An excessive amount of drinking. Embarrassing situations in every episode. There will also be bouts with insecurity and being over confident for no discernible reason. Oh, and sex.  There will be lots of...well, maybe not lots, but there will be a good amount. Okay, you know what, honestly I'm not really sure how much sex there will be, so I'm going to say an average amount. It's hard to say.
  See, my cast isn't going to be made up of good looking guys who are jacked up on steroids or womn who have had more upgrades than my iPhone.
  No, I'm going to make stars out of the average person. People who are just a little over weight and yeah maybe not the most attractive, but they definitely aren't butt ugly either.
  If you think you fall into this category, please go to our website and fill out the cast member application form.

2.  The 90 Year Old Bachelor - There are dozens of dating shows out there right now. Some interesting, others make you want to ram a rose through your eye. So, you may be wondering, if there are so many dating shows, why would any tv network let alone it's audience want one more?
  Simple. Romance. Out of all those dating shows, I have never seen one honest moment of romance. Sure having 20 beautiful women claim to fall in love with a rich, good looking guy makes for great television, but is it really romance? I say to you no, no it is not. You know who knows how to do romance right? Really old people.
  If you have ever seen a really old couple you know how romantic they can be. The man holds doors open for his wife or holds her arm as they walk together. I know a lot of people are thinking sure we may get romance, but is that going to be enough to hold the audiences attention. What everyone forgets is that these people are all 90 years old and older. They don't have time to waste, so while you will get romance, you are going to see relationships move much faster since the cast members could die at any moment. Also, when these female suitors are sent home, they will have a real reason to cry. Mostly because this show could be their last chance at romance.
  This show is already in production and will premier September 18, 2013.

3.  Arnold Schwarzenegger's Sex Talk. Ya! Ya! - Several years ago there was a woman by the name of Dr. Ruth Westheimer who had one of the most popular talk shows on television. Sure, it didn't hurt that the talk show was essentially about sex, but she also had a captivating personality and sharp sense of wit. Neither of which are the reasons I choose Arnold to host this talk show.
  We actually tested out a few different formats of the show before we finally went with a sex advice themed show. The other shows we tested old didn't go over so well. We tried every format from politics to fitness to baking. Nothing seemed able to hold his attention for more than a few minutes. That is until one day, a woman asked Arnold for his advice on how to keep her husband from becoming bored with her. Arnold instantly came to life.
  He told the lady, "Ya! Ya! You know what you got to do. You need to buy a maids outfit. Guys love maids." (Remember when reading the previous line please do so in Arnold's accident.)
  At that moment we knew what our hit show would be. The premise is pretty simple. Every week Arnold will have a guest host who will help him answer live calls from people all over the world.
  I feel once people see this show, they will know to set their dvrs for one thing and one thing only.

The Beyonce Conspiracy

  Well folks, that's it. This past Sunday the Baltimore Ravens triumphed over the San Fransisco 49ers winning the Superbowl and bringing this season of football to a close. But what a way to go.

  People normally watch the Superbowl for two reasons. 1) You are a huge football fan and you want to see the best of the best face off in an all out battle. 2) You watch for the all the commercials that are made specifically to air during the Superbowl and never again.

  Whatever your reason for watching this year, the Superbowl provided a few bonus surprises for everyone to talk about.

  I know when I went to work yesterday I assumed I would hear nothing but either people complaining that their team lost and that the refs are all paid off or how their team destroyed and dominated the other team. Surprising there was very little of that. What, almost everyone, really seemed to interested in was the Beyonce and the black out.

  There is no denying Beyonce put on one of the best half time shows I've seen in a long time. It was fun, exciting and full of energy. As I watched her performance I knew that the next day there would be some groups who would cry out the show was to sexy and others would try to prove Beyonce was lip syncing. What I wasn't expecting was The Illuminati.

  For those of you who don't know, The Illuminati is an alleged conspiratorial organization which is alleged to mastermind events and control world affairs through governments and corporations to establish a New World Order. Allegedly.

  The action that has people linking Beyonce to the Illuminati occurred at the end of her half time show. Beyonce made the triangle sign with her hands which is the symbol used by the super secret organization. I suppose it didn't help that soon after flashing the symbol, The Mercedes-Benz Superdome (a name that rolls right off the tongue) was plunged into a 34 minute black out.

  Some people took this as a sign that the Illuminati were showing their strength and how far their control goes. Others believe the black out was just a distraction so the Illuminati could accomplish their actual goal.
  On the other hand, people are saying she was actually making a diamond, which we all know is the symbol used by her husband's, Jay-Z, recording label.

  I'm with these people. I am 100% sure Beyonce was making a diamond symbol with her hands, but I'm also sure it had nothing to do with her husband. I believe she was truly giving a shout out to her hero and idol, Diamond Dallas Page, who signature move was making a diamond shape with his hands before taking out his opponents.

  Not many people know that Beyonce is a huge wrestling fan. It's not surprising really. When Beyonce was still in Destiny's Child, her manager told her wrestling fans to not sell records. So, she started to downplay her love of the entertainment sport and eventually stopped bringing it up altogether, but if you do your research you can find a few stories detailing the time she met Diamond Dallas Page. The two have been friends since.

  I know Beyonce throwing up the diamond as a tribute to Diamond Dallas Page isn't as exciting as her being  a part of the Illuminati, but it's true. I know this, because once, at a WCW wrestling show in Chicago I saw Beyonce hanging out with Diamond Dallas Page after the show and I saw her make the diamond symbol with her hands. It was the same way she did it at the Superbowl.

  It all boils down to an all grown up wrestling fan just saying hi to a friend.

  BANG!

How To Become Famous

   Oh great, my stupid garbage disposal is broken, and by the amount of soap on my dishes, I am guessing my dish washer is nonfunctional as well. I informed the company I rent my apartment from of these issues like three months ago, and yet they remain in the same non-working condition. With barely enough money to buy something off the Dollar Menu at McDonald's I had to come up with another solution. A 'do it yourself' one. Off to Google.

  Within minutes I had dozens of helpful suggestions. Some of the 'do it yourself' sites were free while others actually requested a small fee for the information. Theoretically to help maintain their site. And while I stuck with the free sites, the pay sites did give me an idea.

  I could start my own 'do it yourself' or 'how to' website and charge people a small fee for the expert and detailed advice I would be offering them. Problem is, I'm not really all that knowledgeable on many things. For days I racked my brain on what advice I could give. I suppose I make a pretty mean peanut butter and jelly sandwich and I know almost every episode of Doctor Who by heart. Yet neither of those things seemed like they would be big money makers.

  It wasn't until I began talking with my co-workers about what it takes to be famous in America today that i realized I had found my money making idea. My 'how to' site would teach people how to become some of the most famous and well known people in the world.

Kim re-enacts how she got famous

  Obviously, for the sake of making money, I don't want to give my all ideas away here. However, it can't hurt to give you a sneak peak at a few of them. Warning: It is possible for just these few suggestions to make you famous, so be careful.

1. Make A Sex Tape
  While not the way I would normally recommend, it does seem to be the most immediate way of obtaining stardom. Look at Kim Kardashian. Who ever heard of her or any member of the Kardashian clan for that matter before Kim and Ray J made their little video. Doing amateur porn also helped give Paris Hilton's career a little boost. The only thing about fame resulting from a sex tape is the length of time your fame will last is unpredictable. It might last a few months or maybe a couple years.

2. Be A Rich Housewife
  I have found another effective method to becoming famous is to be a rich housewife who likes to drink excessive amounts of alcohol and needs to count on her fingers when adding two and two together. It is also important that you have a very short temper and expect the world to bend to your every whim. I feel while being like this can you make you famous, your fan base will mostly consist of the type of people who watch Lifetime or the Oxygen channels.

3. Be A Man's Man
  Most famous guys earn their fame not through any talent but simply due to the fact they are good looking bad boy who treats women like objects or the boy next door with the cute fluffy hair. It also helps if you have a douchey catch phrase and own a lot of Ed Hardy clothes. You will most likely make your mark one of two places, either The Bachelor or Jersey Shore.

4. Be A Redneck
  Being able to Redneckognize, Get er done or make a duck call is definitely another way to get famous. Granted these are techniques that seem to work better for people in the South. Not to say some guy from California couldn't get famous the same way, they just may have to work harder to find a person trained in the art of duck call construction. Oh, and drink lots and lots of Red Bull.

5. Be A Member of the Real World
  This avenue works best for adults ages 19 - 25. Anyone older than that enters into 'the creeper' range. Plus, no one wants to watch to guys in their 50s arguing about who would have hooked up with the woman at the bar from the night before. The Real World is mostly made up of super in shape good looking people who drink, sleep around and struggle with their own sexuality. Maybe they are straight? Maybe they are gay? Who knows for sure, but people are going to stay tuned to find out.
 
  There are a few other methods to get famous, but to get those you will have to subscribe to my 'how to' website. I should have it up in running in a few weeks barring any distractions like work and the such. Good luck.