Routines Are Anything But Routine

  Have you ever said, 'good morning' to someone only to have them growl and stare back at you with two beady black orbs  that are just a swirling matrix of rage and pure hate.

  If this happened to you, don't worry. It's not your fault. It just means one of two things happened to that person. Either they truly are not a 'morning peron' and didn't get that all important cup of coffee, or the other possibility is that someone/thing interrupted or threw off their morning routine.

  I know it seems strange, but according to Psychology America, a person who's morning routine  has been interrupted can experience feelings far beyond that of the most extreme case of road rage.

  In fact, I believe it was the great Greek philosopher, Socrates, who truly captured how it feels. He said, "having your morning routine disturbed is like being tripped by your best friend, having him steal your ice cream cone and then kick you in the stomach"... Then again, it might have been Aristotle.

  Whoever it was, I completely agree. Although, it could be that the reason I so adamantly agree with it is because I also have a very structured morning routine.

  My morning routine goes something like this.
    1)  Wake up
    2)  Lay in bed reading texts and emails (max 10 minutes)
    3)  Make my bladder happy
    4)  Put in my contacts
    5)  Shave
    6)  Shower
    7)  Take care of my lizard
    8)  Pack up my backpack
    9)  Leave

  Every now and then there is one or two extra things that pop up, but 1 - 9 are pretty much my Monday through Friday routine. I have a routine only because I am a super forgetful person, and by following a routine, I can be about 90 percent sure I didn't forget my house keys on the kitchen table.

  When it comes to my routine, I don't like surprises. Especially, in the morning. I feel that if one thing in the morning gets thrown off, I'll be playing catch up for the rest of the day. And there is no better example of this than the situation I recently found myself in.

  It was Monday morning and I was already walking that line between being behind and having a minute to spare. Like the wind, I flew down the steps leading to the parking garage. That is until while rounding the corner to the last flight of steps, I nearly plowed over some guy hanging out on the top step.

  My initial thought upon bumping into him and knocking him back a few steps was, "Oh crap, is this guy a cop". It seems that even though I barely recognized there was a person in front of me, I some how managed to notice that he was wearing a uniform of some type. Which made me want to get away from him even faster, but alas, that was not to be. Instead, he just began asking me a ba-jillion questions about the people in the apartment complex. Yeah, there was nothing creepy or strange about that.

  Ten minutes. Ten minutes that little encounter took, and that was more than enough time to throw off my entire morning routine. The worse part was after all that time and questions, I had no clue to why he was hanging out in the stairwells of my apartment. Heck, I wasn't even sure who he was. All I could make out from his uniform was that it belonged to some security company.

  Given that my whole day was off, I didn't really give much thought to the who and why of the security guard mystery. I was okay with just referring to him as "the dick who messed up my day" to my friends.

  Sadly, that was not to be our only encounter. Over the next three days, we bumped into each other a total of five times. It didn't matter what route I took from my apartment down to the parking garage. Somehow he always found me. I asked other people in the building if they knew who the security guard guy was or what he was doing wandering the halls of our building, but no one knew who I was talking about. Great. By the end of the fourth day, I was pretty much convinced the security guard guy was really some supernatural creature hell bent on haunting me like in the movie, The Grudge.

  I felt I was out of options until my girlfriend recommended I just email the rental company in charge of the building and ask them if they knew what was going on. So, I did. I explained to them, that for the last five days, I had been stopped by some security guard guy and asked a bunch of random questions. I also informed them that every time this happened I had been late for work, and that couldn't keep happening. I ended my email with two simple questions. I asked, "What is he doing just hanging out in the stairwells" and "How long would he be here".

  The next day I awoke to an email from my rental company simply saying that they had hired him to be in the building for a few days. There was no explanation as to why he was there or what he was looking for or how long he would be there. Whatever. I was ready for the guy today.

  See, I set my alarm ten minutes earlier than normal. I was ready for him.  The security guard guy's questioning of me normally lasted from 7 to 10 minutes. As long as he didn't go over ten minutes, my routine wouldn't have to suffer.

  In a shocking turn of events, I was able to go from my apartment to the parking garage without being stopped once. It was so shocking, in fact, that I ended up exploring each and every stairwell in my building looking for the guy. Nothing. No sign of him. He had disappeared just as mysteriously as he had arrived. Which is fine, because I was to the point that if he manage to throw off my routine again, I might have lost it.

  With my routine back to normal, I realized not only was I becoming much nicer and happier, but also more willing to just help people out in general. I'm sure there is some lesson about how as a society we are to busy and don't take time enough to slow down and enjoy things, but if was looking to learn something I would watch an ABC After School Special.

 All I cared about was that the alleged security guard guy was gone. For now that was enough. I worry about slowing down and smelling the proverbial rose... OH FRAK! I'M LATE...

Snapple Facts

  The highlight of  most of my days is getting my Real Facts text from Snapple. Sometimes they are just okay, but lately they have been pretty good. So, I thought I would share a few of them with you guys. I will admit that there are a few I called "shenanigans" on. Tell me what you think.

# 880 The Venus flytrap can eat a whole cheeseburger.

# 881 A baby caribou can outrun its mother at 3 days old.

# 882 In 1859, 24 rabbits were released in Australia. Within 6 years, the population grew to 2 million.

# 883 Butterflies taste with their hind feet.

# 884 a strand from the web of a golden spider is as strong as a steel wire of the same size.

# 885 Vultures can fly for six hours without flapping their wings.

# 886 The bumblebee bat is the smallest mammal on Earth. It weighs less than a penny.

# 887: The "Valley of Square Trees" in Panama is the only known place in the world where trees have rectangular trunks

# 888 In some cultures' telling of Snow White, The Dwarfs are thieves.

# 889 The original Cinderella was Egyptian and wore fur slippers.

# 890 The number 1 or the word One appears on The dollar bill 16 times.

FedEx Driver Has Innocence Crushed

 

 

 

  Today I learned you should definitely be careful who you around when declaring there is no Santa Claus. I was always careful around children, because I didn't want to be the monster who destroys a child's dreams and belief in magic.

 

  What I found out today is you have to be careful what adults you say there is no Santa around as well. At work, I was talking to a co-worker as we waited for the FedEx driver to unload a pallet of floor tiling weighing about 2,800 pounds. Somehow we got on to the subject of Christmas and nieces and nephews, and I mentioned that next year my brother was thinking of telling my niece that Santa Claus isn't real.

 

  Suddenly, the FedEx driver shout out, "What do you mean 'There is no Santa Claus!'".

 

  We both thought he was joking, but after five minutes of the FedEx driver telling us we were lying and that we were both monsters, he jumped into his truck and sped away. The pallet of floor tiles on the back tipped off and shattered all over the ground. When I looked up, the driver was getting back on the street with his middle finger extended out the window at us.

 

  It took about three hours to clean up the mess, and taught me the important lesson that unless someone brings it up first, Santa Claus is real no matter what.

TMGEEZ: Justin Bieber Wardrobe Malfunction

If you do the math, every five minutes someone famous does something stupid. In scientific circles this is known as The Lohan Theorem. Here at TMGEEZ Entertainment just call that business as usual.

What's not par for the course, is when something embarrassing happens to that famous person and it's not their fault. Seriously, it hardly ever happens. Sort of like Haley's Comet. It happens once every couple years.

This time around the fates either smiled or frowned, depending how you look at it, upon the pop sensation, Justin Bieber.

According to sources, the young pop star was told by his agent that he had arranged for Justin to audition for a reboot of the classic television show, Green Acres.

Justin, who has been trying to work his way into acting, decided to go all out for the audition. Which meant not only learning every line of dialogue by heart, but showing up for the audition dressed as he imagined the character would be. It is obvious he was taking this opportunity very seriously.

However, his plans quickly fell apart, when Justin showed up for the audition and found that instead of a table full of directors and writers, he was standing in front of Stephen Harper, the Prime minister of Canada, wearing just overalls and a backwards baseball cap.

The media quickly jumped on the mistake, blaming the entire situation of Justin and going as far as to dub him the "white trash prince".

Justin tried to explain how the mix up had occurred and even told the press to verify the mistake with his agent. Strangely, Justin's agent couldn't be reached for comment. Only responding to emails with a lone question mark.

Chris Brown Inspires And Motivates

Chris Brown preparing to punch Twitter

  Well. Well. Well. Look who's gone and got himself in the headlines again. Two claps and a thumbs up to you, Chris Brown. I would say, ' your mom must be so proud", but we all know how you react to people talking abut your mom.

  Besides, unlike all those Chris Brown haters out there who were so quick to condemn and offer you up on the proverbial stake, I want to praise your 'look at me' actions.

  It is my general opinion that for far to long the role of 'Hot Mess' in the media has been almost totally dominated by women. Have you met the reigning and undisputed Queen of Crazy, Lindsay Lohan, and her Princess of Denial, Amanada Bynes?

  Sure, Charlie Sheen had a good run, but men really haven't had a good quality 'Hot Mess' since Mel Gibson. That is until you, Chris Brown. You have done more for the men's 'Hot Mess' movement than anyone could have ever hoped for.

  Let's not forget the first time you deleted your Twitter account, because Walmart wouldn't carry your cd. Then you had that whole thing with Rihanna which got you slapped with some community service and five years probation. Oh, and remember that time you broke the window at Good Morning America, because they asked you about your assaulting Rihanna. That showed them how non-violent you are. Which brings us to your current escapades that caused you to once again delete your Twitter account. Although, this time it seems like you might have had a valid reason.

  I would cancel my account too if a comedian exposed me for a ranting-illiterate-threat spewing cry baby. Would I really want people to know that someone that I told a female comedian to "Take them teeth out when u Sucking my d--- HOE". Probably not, then again, that's just me. But hey, just because you haven't reached me that doesn't mean you aren't inspiring and motivating others. A whole new generation 'Hot Messes' in-training are following your lead when it comes to Twitter.

  You forced Angus T. Jones, one of the stars of Two and a Half Men, to take a hard look at what he was learning on Twitter. He decided to that Twitter was nothing but filth and asked that people not follow him, because even he doesn't want to be on Twitter. As of yet, he has not canceled his account.

  Someone who did cancel his account though is the one and only, Justin Bieber. Apparently, Justin has been inundated with Tweets concerning his choice of attire when meeting the Prime Minister of Canada. Many people were curious as to whether Justin was aware he was meeting the Prime Minister of Canada or if he thought he was auditioning for an Green Acres reboot.

  See there, Chris Brown. Those are just two of the men you have inspired and who will surely follow in your footsteps to 'Hot Mess' greatness. Just keep it up and I guarantee that eventually you will make Mel Gibson seem like a saint compared to you. Go Team 'Hot Mess'.
  

The After Thanksgiving Ninja Workout

  You have to love Thanksgiving. It's the one holiday where employers bestow upon their employees the ever coveted four day weekend. The extra days off gives people the opportunity to finally have some time to themselves and also a chance to visit with their friends, family and loved ones. It's also a great reason to over stuff your face and belly with delicious seasonal food.

  In fact, emergency rooms across the country report that the highest number of 'Food Coma' cases occur on Thanksgiving. It is projected that there are thousands of cases of 'Food Coma' reported every Thanksgiving, but it is believed that number could actually be in the millions. Sadly, the majority of people who suffer from 'Food Coma' tend to crawl up on to their couches or into their beds and just agonize in silence. That is, if you can count groaning like a constipated bear the same as silence.

  Luckily, 'Food Coma' is easily treated and doesn't last long. To me, really only the negative part of Thanksgiving weekend occurs on Monday when I notice that my belly has developed its own gravitational field. Today I looked at my belly and thought, 'I look like I am about to give birth to a hot air balloon".

  Maybe it's just me, but I start to feel a little self conscious when I look like I'm smuggling two hams under my shirt. I'll be honest, I started to feel pretty crappy, but then I saw an ad on tv. It was for a new intense workout program that promised visible results within a week. "What's this," I said to myself out loud. And then I became worried for a second, because i was talking to myself.  the good thing is, according Wikipedia, I only have to start worrying once I start answering myself. Good to know.

  So, back to this new workout, I thought it was going to be an ad for PX90 or something like that. But it wasn't. This commercial showed me a work out I didn't even know existed. This workout work out not only promised to make my belly go away, but also to turn me into a ninja.

  The workout, appropriately called, The Ninja Workout, takes exercising out of the home and gym and into the streets. It looks pretty intense. One image was of a lady doing one handed push ups on the edge of a roof. Another showed a guy climbing a 20 feet tall chain link fence. And the last one they showed was a guy jumping from one building wall to another.

  I've always wanted to be a ninja, but i could never figure out how to go about it. So, it is pretty freaking awesome that i now have a way. It took about four seconds for me to pick up the phone and order the 20 DVD set. It only cost $300, so that's a pretty cheap price to pay for being a ninja.

  The greatest thing is, the commercial promises that in about two months, I should be a fully trained ninja death machine.

  I guess check back in two months and see if I'm breaking boards or just my arm. Hi-ya.

 

The History of Black Friday

  Wakey Wakey. It's time to take off the sweat pants and squeeze yourself into some shopping clothes, because in just a little bit, we enter into Black Friday. One of the most evil and darkest times of the year known to man.

  On this day, there is no holding open doors for other people or any of that 'good will toward your fellow man' stuff we hear about as we get closer to Christmas. Nope, Black Friday is all about doing whatever it takes to get the newest internet enabled 55" 3D flat screen tv for only $299. Even if it means camping out and trampling the 3 people in front of you to death to get it.

  FYI. I think murder is actually legal on Black Friday. It seems every year I hear about so many people dying on Black Friday. but I never hear about anyone being arrested. Just something to keep in mind when you bump that lady out of the way so you can satisfy you caffeine addiction by grabbing the last Keurig coffee maker.

  For those of you looking to thank someone for forcing your still-turkey-stuffed-butt out of bed because the best sale of the year starts at 5 am, have to look no farther than Macy's. Well, to be more accurate the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade.

  It seems we weren't always sleep deprived bargain hungry hate filled shopping fiends the day after Thanksgiving. It wasn't until the first Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade in 1924 that the day after Thanksgiving became the unofficial start to the bustling holiday shopping season. This is because many businesses would use the parade as a marketing tool to promote upcoming huge sales which were always the next day. Which at that time, as of yet, did not have a cute nationally recognized nickname. I'm assuming they just called it, "Hell Day".

  It wasn't until sometime in the 1960's that the ominous day after Thanksgiving would be given the name, Black Friday. The name originally came from police working in Philadelphia, who would often complain about the horrible traffic and the huge unruly crowds on that day.

  The term, Black Friday, also became popular with businesses since it symbolized them moving out of the 'red' and into the 'black'. For those of you unfamiliar with bookkeeping that does not involve computers, red ink was used to symbolize a loss while black ink reflected profits.

  In recent years, peoples distaste for standing in long lines at unforgivable early hours has led to more and more shopping being done online. This has led to the birth of a new major unofficial shopping day known as, 'Cyber Monday'. However, that is a story for another time.

  Now, if you will excuse me, I have to get myself cleaned up. See, I need at new tv and Best Buy only has 5 of those new internet enabled 55" 3D flat screen tvs for only $299. I know. I'm not proud of myself, but you have to admit, that is a really good price. Now, has anyone seen my taser gun?