Fine Keep Your Money...But You Should Do This Instead

  Okay, I think I am going to buy a kayak... No, wait! I should get all those dvds I've been wanting for the last few months... Or... Maybe I should invest in some new clothes. My current wardrobe consists of two pairs of shorts and a few nerd themed graphic t-shirts which I am fine with, but  I don't think my Nightwing or 'Talk Nerdy to Me' t-shirts are going to exactly impress the ladies...You know what? I really should be a bit more practical and take care of some things that I have been putting off for a while, such as, get my oil changed and pay rent... Then again, a little plastic pool from Walmart could really help beat the heat.

  There were hundreds of other options that ran through my head last week, but the aforementioned were just the options I found myself going back to repeatedly. After all, with the possibility of being able to bring home some extra money, wise decisions on what to do with it had to be made. 

  Yes, it was raise time at good old Madison Kipp, and my fellow employees were walking around like it was Christmas Eve. Even I found myself getting into the spirit of the season. It was hard not too. Especially, with there being a good chance most people would get anywhere from a 5 to 10% raise.

  It was amazing to watch the people at work. Men and women, who would normally just as soon throw flaming bags filled with rocks at you rather than say hello, were smiling and greeting everyone they passed. I'm pretty sure the infamously crotchety Scrooge even opened his office door and pleaded with the nearest employee to tell him the time and to go buy a turkey.

  Then Friday came and the mood slowly started to shift. At the beginning of our work day, the higher ups called everyone together for a stunner of an announcement. In the best spun of politically correct double talk I had heard in a while, they let us know that only about 50% of us would be getting raises. They also wanted to let us know that through out the day, one by one, we would be called into the plant managers office for our yearly reviews.

  I remember taking in how everyone had responded to the news. The people who, I can only assume, knew they wouldn't be getting raises walked away from the meeting with their heads drooping and instantly returned to their grumpy ways. The others, who seemed quite confident that they would get the full 10% raise, hung around for a bit talking to each other and boasting about what they would do with their newly earned wealth. 

  In case you were wondering, I was one of the people who stayed behind talking. Eventually though, the supervisors shooed the remaining employees back to their machines. My hope was that I would be called in for my review pretty early on. I guessed I would have to wait, at the most, 20 minutes for my review. 

  Sadly, it would turn out that my time estimation skills would not be the only thing I got wrong that day. I walked into the plant manager's office smiling and ready for my good news and glowing review. When I left I'm pretty sure I was in shock with just the two sentences, "Maybe next year" and "You need to learn more about the machines you work on" running over and over again through my head.

  To say I was 'just a little salty' is like saying, 'the moon is only a little bit away from the Earth'. I was especially confused about the part of not knowing how to run my machine, because in fact, I know more about my machine then half the supervisors there. When I informed the plant manager of this, he just shrugged his shoulders and told me to send in the next person on his 'hit list'.

  I wasn't really sure what to do. So, for seven hours I watched men and women enter the plant manager's office with hope and smiles, only to leave with either blank expressions or heavy frowns. At the 7 1/2 hour mark, I had had enough. Of the 50 some people who had entered that 'Void of Darkness', only 5 emerged with their hopes and dreams intact. And one of those guys had went missing from work for three days. He hadn't called or left any sort message. He had just vanished, and upon his return he found his job was was still there waiting for him, no questions asked.

  It was after hearing this that my camel was rushed to the vet to fix his broken back. Yes, I may not have gotten a raise, but i was damn sure going to get something. I worked hard. I had worked weekends. I covered machines when the supervisors called in sick. All of this might mean nothing to the 'suits', but it meant something to me. Before I knew it I was making a second trip to the plant manger's office, however, this time I didn't have an invitation. This time, I was going in for a showdown. There would be no leaving empty handed.  This was Thunderdome, baby. Two men enter. One man leaves. 

  And as I marched toward 'the Darkness' a list began to form in my head. The list consisted of five things that management could do to make our working conditions much, much better. I knew he wouldn't agree to them all, but he would agree to at least one. 

  These were the demands I brought with me into 'the Darkness'. 

     1. Each machine should have a 30+ inch flat screen cable ready mounted in the area where the employee will be working. My reason for asking for this is sometimes you are on your machine for eight hours with no one to talk to and nothing interesting to look at or listen to. Trust me, this can cause a person's mind to wander or even worse, the person may fall asleep. I think a tv will help keep the employee's mind active and reduce boredom, there by helping the person to stay focused on their job.

     * I feel it is important to point out that I did say the tv should only be cable ready. I believe it should be up to the employee to provide the internet if that is what they want. I'm not unreasonable after all.

     2. A drink delivery service. I suggest that it might be a good idea to hire a person, or persons, who would take drink orders and then deliver the requested drinks to the people working on the machine. I thought it seemed like a fair request, but the 'suits' didn't seem to go for it. They seemed really hung up on the fact that the order takers/delivery people would have to go any place the employee requested the drink from as long as the place was in town. Hey sometimes you get thirsty and only a milkshake from a Sonic will do.

     3. We should be allowed access to a recreation room that we can visit before, during breaks and after work. It help build employee camaraderie and help control stress levels. Like all my previous requests, this one was almost accepted, but they just couldn't understand how a room with a trampoline floor filled with plastic balls could help people relax. I believe their exact words were, 'what the hell?' Seriously, aren't these guys supposed to go to school to learn this kind of stuff.

     4. Casual Friday. On Friday we should be allowed to wear whatever we want to wear as long as it is in good taste. So, on a really hot Friday, we should be allowed to wear shorts, a BeDazzled Thong and a mesh tank top. And for those of you who think I suggested a thong because the guys would just want to see women wearing them, I want assure you that I don't work with any women. The BeDazzled thongs are just for us, so we can feel pretty. The 'Suits' in all their supposed 'wisdom' think wearing shorts and mesh tops would be a bad idea since we work around metal that is heated to a minimum of 1200 degrees Fahrenheit.... Whatever.

     5. So You Think You Can Dance Tuesday. Implementing an exercise program of any type can only help a company. It will raise the employees health and lower medical costs. The idea was simple. We shut down all the machines in the factory, dress up in our most fabulous clothes and have dance offs. Maybe the 'suits' could offer some prizes. Come on, who doesn't want to see some bikers get their funk on.


  Needless to say, no of my ideas were approved... This time. However, that doesn't mean I'm going to give up on these great ideas. I know they have the money for such awesome ideas and programs. After all, they only gave out like three raises.

  Oh, I just thought of another idea. I think the break room needs a snow cone machine. See, the ideas for excellence just keep coming.

Hot Dogs - We're Taking Them Back

  Ladies and gentlemen, TODAY is National Hot Dog Day. And I say to you, this is the day we take it back. 

  

  For far too long, the distribution of hot dogs has been under the control of the elite few... Sonic, A&W, Pinks, etc.  These despots would have us wait in seemingly never ending lines, inside and drive-thru, for what could be hours just to get one hot dog. 

  You can, of course,  get more than one if you want, but at an average cost of $4.00 for a hot dog, only the truly wealthy can afford that luxury. 

  That is why I am saying, "NO MORE!". It is time for us to take the hot dog back for the people. So, on this day of celebration I am sending out a call to arms. I say to you grab your mustard, grab your ketchup, grab any other condiment or topping you will need and join me in laying siege to the tyrants who would monopolize and repress the hot dog.

  Now, I know we as people haven't really sieged in a while. In fact, I don't think there has been a really good siege since the middle ages. Ah, now that was a time for some quality seiging. There wasn't a week that went by where one castle or another wasn't being sieged upon. 

  It is time people. Let us gather our forces and take back what is ours. Yes, some of us will fall victim to food coma and won't make it, but you have to be willing to pay that price. I know I am.

  I beg of all of you to join me. Let history speak of this day not just as some cheap marketing ploy to sell hot dogs, but as the day hot dogs were returned to the people and America was reborn.