Armstrong Advices, "Nut Up, People!"

  I will be the first to admit it, I don't always pay very close attention to the things going on around me. So, it should come as no surprise to anyone that for the last few days I thought it was Neil Armstrong who was being accused of lying, deceiving and betraying the trust of the people.

  The idea that Neil Armstrong finally said screw it and came forward to discuss the alien space crafts he saw while walking on the moon was mind blowing. When I found out all the fuss was really being made over Lance Armstrong, eh... let's just say it wasn't as exciting. (#sorrynotsorry)

  For those of you not familiar with Lance Armstrong, he is a world famous athlete who gained his popularity from winning the Tour De France an unprecedented seven times. A survivor of testicular cancer and makes that neat little yellow 'Livestrong' rubber bracelets that were all the rage a few years ago.

  Armstrong eventually decided to retire from racing and the public eye except for the occasional endorsement deal. Recently though, the public is once again trolling websites and searching news stations for information pertaining to Armstrong.

  Although, this time instead of searching for training tips or random bits of gossip about who he is dating, people are searching for information about Armstrong's alleged drug that may have given him an edge when it came to winning his 7 Tour De France's.

  From what I can gather, he is being accused of using steroids and having his blood 'boosted' with other drugs. Armstrong himself has admitted he did some bad things, but has not gone as far as to say or explain what those bad things are.

  Whatever he has been doing, was bad enough to get him stripped of his seven Tour De France wins and spot on Oprah Winfrey's show. You know you have messed up pretty big if Oprah wants to talk to you. Being told Oprah wants to interview you is like being told to go to the principal's office.

  I did a little research into what Armstrong is being accused of taking, and I came to the conclusion that he did not take the drugs to help him win the Tour De France, but for a more personal medical reason. This explains why has been so secretive about everything.

  In 1996, Armstrong underwent extensive surgery to remove the cancer from parts of his brain and testicles. A year later, Armstrong was declared cancer free, but at the cost of one of his testicles.

  Jeffery Donviane, Armstrong's personal physician, said, "As Lance left the hospital he expressed concerns that he would never feel fully like a man again."

  Fast forward a few years and toss in a couple minor leaps in technology for added spice and he you have the real reason Armstrong has been a walking drug store for the last decade.  Armstrong is attempting to regrow his 'lost' testicle.

  I discovered Armstrong's blood was being 'boosted' with a highly advanced stem cell serum, and he was taking several stabilizing drugs. The stem cell serum was specifically engineered to help regenerate testicular tissues. The stabilizing drugs are also important, because with out them, the serum would spread and began trying to rebuild every cell Armstrong ever lost.

  My contact at Walgreens informed me that these specific drugs and serums could provide enormous bursts of energy and increase endurance. He claims it's possible Armstrong didn't realize there were side effects involved with taking those specific drugs.

  It will be interesting to see how society judges him once this crucial bit of information gets released. Part of me thinks it won't change any ones opinion, but another part of me hopes that things get better for him. As always time will tell. I think he will be okay as long as he can 'grow a pair'.

 

Excuses Why Not To Visit The Doctor

  I swore up and down this wasn't going to happen this year. I did everything I could do to avoid it. To protect myself from it. I ate right. (Well, most of the time. I still maintain that pizza is a good source for all four food groups.) I exercised and even took vitamins, but it all proved useless against this new super strain of flu.

  For the last two weeks, I have pretty much done nothing put away boxes of Kleenex like a frat guy puts away free beer at a bar. That I might have been able to deal with, but throw in extreme coughing fits so fierce I almost blacked out a few times and the usual stomach aches and fevers and that's it. I tapped out.

  Now, the coughing has begun to recede and my nose seems to only fun for a few minutes in the morning. And because I am feeling so much better, new post ideas have been flooding into my brain like someone just broke the dam that was my writer's block. The entire two weeks I was sick, I desperately wanted my head to clear just enough that with a little effort I might be able to cobble together something resembling a decent blog post, but nothing was getting through. When the fog finally cleared it occurred to me I had a post right under my nose the whole time.

  My girlfriend had asked me if and when I was going to the doctor while I was sick. Which is nice. Even though, I can say with some confidence that about 80% of the time when she made these inquires she was being a very sweet carrying girlfriend. The other 20% I think she wanted this person who sounded like he was dying out of her house in case the plague was making a comeback. I now realize that although she asked me about the doctor at least a dozen times, I never gave her a flat out answer. Just a bunch of really random excuses. And look at me now, feeling good and ready for any challenge life has to throw at me. See! Who needs doctors?

Excuse #1:  I haven't been sick long enough to warrant going to the doctor. He is just going to tell me I'll have to ride it out anyway, so why waste the money.

Excuse #2:  I have no proof that the degree on the doctor's wall is even real. As far as I know, he could be a Nazi scientist still on the run and wanted for performing illegal genetic experiments. I know all about Project Aqua Gill Soldier.

Excuse #3:  I'm an organ donor. Who's to say the doctor isn't in need of a kidney to save a very wealthy patient. To him, I'm nothing more than a bag of spare parts. No thank you.

Excuse #4:  What if they get my chart mixed up with some who needs to go in for heart surgery?

Excuse #5:  I already owe the clinic money from last time I came. They won't treat you again until you pay off what you owe.

Excuse #6:  I'm pretty sure I had that clinic got in trouble when one their doctors tried to sew a pig snout onto that body builder's face.

Excuse #7:  Doctors want you to go to their hospitals and clinics so they get you to give blood samples which they use to create clones of you. Those clones will be trained in secret and one day take over the United States.

Excuse #8:  I know a girl who used to date a doctor who worked here. Things didn't end well, What if he does a background check and connects me to her. Is he still going to be professional about things.

Excuse #9:  The doctor could really be Jack the Ripper in hiding.

Excuse #10:  I bet the doctors aren't even good. I bet after you leave the have to watch old dvds of House to find out what you might have.

  There you go, Ten perfectly good reasons to avoid going to the doctor. Feel free to use any of them. I'll come up with new ones.          

 

A Few Suggestions For The New Year.

  How's it going everyone? I hope you all had an amazingly eventful New Year. In my corner of the the woods, we rang the New Year in by watching Pitch Perfect and eating like three pounds of cheesy Totino Pizza rolls. I wild time was had by all.

  It's now Jan. 2, 2013, and I have to give myself credit, not once have I put 2012 on a check. At least not yet. I'm also pretty happy that I have been able to stick to my New Year's resolutions. Yeah yeah, I know it has only been two days, but come on, that's farther than most people made it.

  And while we are on the subject of resolutions, I have come to the conclusion that several of you out there might have forgot to add a few things to your list. Maybe you did it on purpose or maybe it was completely by accident. Either way, I want to help you out. That was another of my resolutions, 'to be more helpful'. I've compiled a list of things that different people in my life need to work on, but for the sake of peoples egos, I won't list any specific names. Just the behavior or habit I think you need to work on. 

  Happy wishes for the New Year.

A List of Resolutions I Think My Friends Forgot About

-  Don't talk about yourself in the third person.
-  When you check out a movie, try and return it on time instead a month late. I'm sick of checking everything out under my account.
-  Please learn how to drive, merge and go a little over the posted speed limit. Remember, speed limit sign are only suggestions.
-  Shower more than every two days. When people begin sniffing every time you are around, that should be enough of a  hint.
-  Stop pretending you forgot your wallet and bank card. I just saw you get gas.
-  You have a good tan, stop there. You are starting to turn orange.
-  Don't talk with your mouth full. I always end up with half of what you eat on my shirt.
-  Do your laundry. Seriously. You can only turn your underwear inside out once before it becomes ineffective.
-  Pick up your apartment. I'm not even saying you have to make it spotless. I just need a path from the couch to the kitchen to the bathroom.
-  Your lizards, hamsters and snake should not be allowed to roam free through out your apartment. When I come over I feel like I'm on a poor man's safari.
-  When we go to bars, please stop acting like you are Barney from How I Met Your Mother. Saying 'Legendary' over and over is not going to get you any.
-  Stop picking your nose in public. We all know you are just scratching it, when we see half your finger disappear.
-  You can't handle your alcohol. Except it. Next time you run naked down Main Street, you are on your own.
-  Cut back on the coffee. You shake so much, I feel like you should get a job holding paint cans and not allowed to hold babies.
-  Taco Bell is not your friend  which makes you a friend to no one else.
-  Shave your chest. It looks like an Octopus is just trying to get out of your shirt.
-  Please tip the pizza guy more than 25 cents. And you wonder why it takes an hour to get our pizza.
-  This one kind of goes with the previous resolution. Stop answering the door in just a towel when getting the pizza. 90% of the time its a guy delivering the pizza anyway.
-  When we go shopping, stop trying to switch the price tags on everything you want to buy. I'm pretty sure the cashier knows the box of crystal glasses is not a $4.99 Dora the Explorer tea set.
-  And finally, stop leering at women when we go out. You are not being subtle. They know, and yes, you are 'The Creeper, they are talking about.

  That's all for now. I might think of more later, but for now that's all I could think of. Not bad people. Let's hope next years list is a little smaller.

Hey! Time To Change Yourself

  Seriously, if one more person asks me what my New Year's resolutions are, I swear I'm going to scream. And not just regular old scream, I'm going to hit octaves that will make Mariah Carey go, "Damn!".

  Of course, I made a few resolutions. Everyone makes them just not everyone talks about them. I try not to ask people what their resolutions are. To me, asking someone what their resolutions are is you basically telling that person there is something flawed about them and you are kind of just checking in to make sure they have a plan for correcting that flaw.

  Sure I know I could use a little work here and there, who can't. Even that guy at my gym who looks like God himself painted on his abs could use a breath strip or two. Yeah, women may go crazy over your body, but what good is that if they are passing out when they get within a few inches of your face.

  And when you think about it, resolutions aren't even all that interesting. I feel as if people are expecting me to say something super profound when they inquire about my resolutions, but they aren't. Take a second to recall all the resolutions you have heard. It's always things like 'trying to be a better person' or 'going to the gym more' or 'working less'.

  By the way, the aforementioned revolutions are like the top three on my list. A few others on my list are to eat better, to stop photo-bombing at weddings and to try and read more. Really basic boring stuff. I hope by sharing a few of my resolutions people will no longer feel the need to constantly ask me what they are.

  I'm sure people are probably saying to themselves, "Is that it". The answer is, of course that's not it. That is, however, all I feel like sharing with you for now.  If there is stuff you think I missed, please feel free to email me jkoukas1@gmail.com about it. I'll compile all of your suggestions into a list and post it on Wednesday. Also, if feel like just saying something nice I'll post that too. Heck, if you have a few predictions for the upcoming year, I will post those too. Essentially, anything you send me, I will post.

  Happy New Year everybody.



 
 

 

Selfies Make Way For The Handsies

  So, today I realized that...oops, one second, mirror. (Quickly pulls out camera, takes awesome selfie and posts picture to Instagram). Now, where was I? Oh yes. Today I realized everything has an expiration date. Milk, eggs, selfies. It doesn't matter. At some point, everything gets old and stale. Luckily, not everything needs to be thrown away, sometimes all it takes is a well thought out reboot.
And boy, have I come up with one heck of an idea.

  Selfies. Webster's Dictionary describes selfies as... well, will you look at that. Webster's doesn't really seem to have any definition listed. I guess the chore of defining it falls upon me then doesn't it.
So, Would-Be Superhero defines selfie as the act of taking a picture of ones self with the purpose of posting the image on Facebook, Myspace, Twitter or Instagram. Also, selfies are normally taken with only three types of expressions: the kissy face, the whatever face and the 'I just inhaled three cups of coffee' can't stop smiling.

  For a while selfies were pretty harmless and even a little cute. No one gave them a second thought and I think that is where things started to go bad. Rarely is a selfie on the receiving end of mean comment or suffered the fate of a 'dislike' click. They have been allowed to continue on unchecked. Selfies used to be simple. Just a picture of you holding your camera taken in your bathroom mirror. Over time that changed thanks to the rapidly evolving camera technology.

  Now selfies are taken everywhere: at work, your car, a store or a park. And the amount of selfies on the social networking sites has grown 600% in the last year alone. People who used to happily click the 'like' button on a selfie are now deleting their social network accounts as a last ditch effort to save their sanity.

A handsie thumbs up

  I believe selfies will continue to multiply and multiply unless something is done to stop them. Picture it like this. Selfies are like a rampaging Hulk, and the only thing that can stop a rampaging Hulk is another rampaging Hulk. That's why I am attempting to start the handsie craze.

  The handsie is simply taking a picture of your hand doing different things. Which right off the bat makes it way more interesting than a selfie. A selfie is just a picture of your face, but the hand can be photographed doing so many things. It can write or throw a ball or 'flip the bird' or do sign language or just a simple thumbs up. I don't think people consider how expressive a hand can be.

  I know I have a long road ahead of me, but I believe with your support and help, the handsie can become a real thing.  I feel as the popularity of the handsie grows, so shall the reign of the selfie begin to diminish. Perhaps selfies do not need to completely go away, but only return to their simpler more peaceful origins.




 

 

What To Get That Special Nerd (7 Things)

  This holiday season did you discover that your significant other is a card carrying nerd? Did you not get the right present and now want to rush out and try to set things straight, but you are having trouble deciding what to get for that special nerd in your life? Do you think Star Wars and Star Trek are the same thing? Were you surprised to hear that they still make comic books, and that they were being made into movies? When that special nerd asks you to watch Doctor Who, do you think he/she is trying to pull an Abbott and Costello routine on you?

  For some reason people seem to think shopping for a nerd is difficult, when in fact, we are probably the easiest people you will ever shop for. We are rarely picky, and love simple, fun things that we can either display or play with everyday. For instance, if someone was to give me a nice suit, I definitely appreciate it and wear it a few times a year. However, if someone gave me the same type of sonic screwdriver used by Matt Smith, my poor little nerd brain would explode.

  If you have spent the last three weeks trying to decide what to get and still feel lost, don't worry. I'm here to help. Because you seem to care so much about that nerd in your life, I have decided I would comb the internet for you and find some of this years hottest gifts for nerds. I also threw a few in that I really like. Oh, and these are in no particular order of coolness or what have you. It's all good.

1.  DVD Box Sets
        Nerds are normally a fairly busy people who have a limited amount of free time. And the majority of that free time is spent in front of a television set either with friends or by ourselves. We tend to gravitate towards television shows because then we have the choice of watching just one or two episodes before bed or gathering together with our friends and consuming an entire season in one day. Here's a few suggestions: Star Trek, Star Trek: The Next Generation, Doctor Who, Firefly, Primeval, Downtown Abbey, Merlin, Battlestar Galactica, etc.

2.  The Jedi Bath Robe
       One size fits all. Price: $63.00
       Is your significant other always trying to move things using their mind or pretending your dog is the emperor of an evil empire? If so, they may have dreams of someday becoming a Jedi. Help them achieve their goal by getting them some awesome Jedi apparel. Starting with this super soft and comfy Jedi Bath Robe.


3. Samurai Ninja Umbrella
      Price: $19.79
      Your nerd may not be much of a fighter, but no one else needs to know that. At the first sign of trouble all he/she has to do is show of the handle of this umbrella which is designed to look  like the handle of a samurai sword. No one messes with ninja. It's just common sense.

4.  Math Clock
       Price: $23.00

       Have you ever wondered which one of your friends you should ask when you have a math question? This clock will help you figure it out. Only the highest level of mathletes will be able to figure out these equations. And not only does this clock look cool, but it will make people think you are way smarter than you really are.


5. Sonic Screwdriver
      Price: $25.00 - $34.00

     Does your nerd love to fix things? Computers, doors, tables...anything. Then give them the ultimate all purpose tool, the Sonic Screwdriver. Okay, so this replica really only lights up and makes sounds. It's still pretty cool. Which makes it a must have for any Doctor Who fan. My favorite is the Matt Smith version.

6.  Nyan Cat T-Shirt
       Price: $20.00

      Nyan cat is a hugely popular Internet meme and it is one of those things that all nerds really love because knowing about it defines you as a true Internet nerd. Everyone may not get it, but they will definitely ask you about it. And who doesn't want a little extra attention.



7.  Bane Mask
     Price: $200.00

        No gift exchange can be complete without a little something Batman. Although, not everyone is going to end up buying a present with the Batman logo on it.  I suggest getting something a little more bad ass, such as Bane's Mask. Imagine Christmas dinner with the family while wearing Bane's mask. Won't no one refuse to pass you the mashed potatoes then, yo.

Liar. Liar. World Not On Fire

  What the... Why am I waking up? I shouldn't be waking up. Um... I kind of thought the world was supposed to end. This isn't right. Maybe the world did end, but somehow I am the only one who survived.  Something is not right here. I need to go check some stuff out, I'll be back in a little bit.

Okay, so it appears the world really did not end. Not to say it won't succumb to some apocalyptic event later in the day, but for now everything is hunky dory. Which is good. I mean, it's not like I did anything crazy last night. Um..FYI, if you happen to read any articles in the newspaper about someone streaking up and down the streets scream-singing Jingle Bells or someone rearranging Christmas lights to spell out dirty words, I just want to say let's not judge that person. Maybe he or she thought the world was ending and went a little bit crazy. Maybe that same person didn't even pay their rent, but instead bought their own body weight in holiday themed Peeps. Who are we to judge.

  I, for one, never really put much into these doomsday prophecies. After all, there's a new end of the world scare at least once a month. Even this one, the supposedly honest to goodness prophecy that everyone has been talking about for over a year, I didn't believe. Although, after the huge blizzard that hit us yesterday, I kind of thought...well, maybe there is some truth to the whole thing. Well, apparently not.

  With only half the day left I was starting to get worried. Hope all I want, I don't think this apocalypse is coming. Stupid unreliable thing. I figured I might as well just write my rent check out and take it in, but before I could finish the first letter in the name of the rental company I remembered something. About two weeks ago, a person of Mayan decent moved in below me.

  I quickly ran downstairs and began pounding on his door. We have maybe said hi to each other twice in the hall, but that's about it. When he finally opened his door, I said hello and laid out maybe question of when the world was going to end. He seemed a little offended that I was asking him this, but after a little light pushing, he shared his secret ancient knowledge.

  "Don't blame us," Ted said. "We didn't say the world was going to end. We just got sick of making calenders. You do realize we made a calender that extended almost 5,000 years into our own future. You try making a calender that far out. Eventually no one wanted the job anymore so we just quit. We figured we would just make some more after the 5,000 years was up."

  With that and a brief but stern request that I "stomping around", I went back to my apartment to finish writing out that rent check. I guess it's a good thing the world isn't ending, but I will say this. Next time someone comes around with some doomsday prophecy, I am out. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, the freaking world better end.