Today, I was at a friend's house for a BBQ, and it was the perfect day for it. We had this sudden drop in temperature a few days ago, so instead of feeling like a warm day in July it felt more like a perfect October night. Seriously, instead of eating burgers and hot dogs, I felt like I should have been out in the pumpkin patch. But... eating burgers and hot dogs is what I was doing. As well as talking to friends, playing games and just having a great time.
That is until the universe turned off it's tv after realizing it had seen that episode of Law and Order eight times already and instead decided my life needed a pop quiz.
My friend called out that the food was ready and everyone rushed to get in line. And by everyone, I mean pretty much all the guys. My theory is that even though guys know that there is plenty of food for everyone, some primitive light switch gets flipped in out our brains that makes us think the food will be gone by the time its our turn.
I was the third person in line and I had my plate ready. When I made it to the grill I graciously accepted a hot dog and a hamburger. There looked like there was enough food for everyone, but honestly if there wasn't, I didn't care. I had my food already. Those other guys should learn to hustle. Suckers.
Anyway, I didn't just stop with the burger and hot dog. There was an entire table with all kinds of salads, chips and desserts that we, the guests, had brought. By the time I walked away from that table, my plate looked like it was the base of small mountain. I had piled on the coleslaw and potato salad, grabbed a hand full of chips, a pickle, baked beans and two brownies. There were kings who would be jealous of my plate of food.
That is until I tripped over some invisible something and spilled half the plate on to my friend's deck.
If my hands hadn't been full, I'm sure I could have scooped the falling food out of the air before it hit the ground and saved it. I'm ninja like that. Instead, baked beans and coleslaw and an ear of corn splatted on to his deck. This, of course, was acknowledge by thunderous applause, cheering, lots and lots of laughing and followed by someone yelling out, "Smooth. I bet you can't even rub your belly and pat your head at the same time."
This seemed like an odd challenge, but one I knew I had to accept. I had to prove to these people that tripping over an object, invisible or not, was a rare event. So, with the skill of a seasoned athlete I prepared myself, met the gazes of dozens of doubters and raised my hands. One hand went to my stomach and the other hoovered over the top of my head. I counted to three, took a deep breath, and began. First moving my hand in a circular motion over my stomach, which was already growling at the thought of the food I dropped, and then began patting my head. This display of masterful skill went on for about thirty seconds then culminated into a simple bow.
The cheering and clapping returned, but this time it was in favor of me rather than against. I raised my hand in acceptance of their praise and retrieved my plate. In my head, I was smiling like I had just won every Olympic medal there ever was. Hell, I wouldn't have been surprised if at any moment they all dropped to their knees and worshipped me like some sort of ninja god.
Wait, my drink? Oh, that's right, I had spilled it along with half my food. I set my plate on the little table next to my faded blue patio chair, and returned to the drink table. All the bottles of pop were empty, but I knew there were still a few more inside the house in the basement.
Rather than bother my friend, I decided to go get a few more bottles. I was a helpful ninja god after all. Just as I opened the door to his house my phone let out that all too familiar sound of the TARDIS materializing. It was the ring tone for my text message alerts. I know a lot of people found it to be fairly annoying, but it was also hard to miss.
It was a text from my bother asking me how to convert songs from his iTunes play list into a format that would work with his generic mp3 player. I started to text him back as I moved through the house to the stair case to the basement, stopping every now and then to delete a word or phrase. Touch screens and texting always gave me issues Without stopping or looking up I reached out to push the door open but my hand found nothing. The door had been left open which means there was nothing to stop the momentum of me moving forward...And down I went.
I'm not exactly sure what happened since I went into protect my unprotected phone mode, but I'm guessing I stumbled down the first couple steps, lost my footing somewhere in the middle and came crashing down the remaining steps like a bag of potatoes.
I took a moment to make sure every thing still worked then let out a little laugh. If anyone had seen me I'm pretty sure I would have looked quite insane, laying on the ground laughing like someone had just told me the greatest joke in the world.
As I lay there I decided maybe proclaiming myself the ninja god was a bit much. Maybe the universe had decided to step in and provide a little lesson in what it means to be humble. Or maybe like I said earlier, there was nothing good on tv. Either way, I know that when it comes to rubbing my belly and patting my head I move with the grace of gazelle, but when it comes to texting and walking... well, let's just the proverbial bull in a china shop has a better rep than me.
