Seeing as I love humor, I decided to highlight some of my favorite comedic musicians. I wasn't totally sure who to start with. There are so many that make me laugh. Luckily, a little devine intervention brought me the answer as I drove passed the Occupy Madison camp. So, this week I would like to spotlight Garfunkel and Oates with their song "Save the Rich."
Garfunkel and Oates is an LA-based comedy/folk duo made up of actresses Riki Lindhome (Last House on the Left, Changeling, My Best Friend's Girl) and Kate Micucci (Scrubs, 'Til Death, When in Rome). They've appeared on The Tonight Show, Last Call with Carson Daly, KTLA and CNN and have a monthly show at the Upright Citizens Brigade in LA.
Save The Rich
Monday, April 30, 2012
Sunday, April 29, 2012
Target Puts the 'F--k You' in Customer Service
"You know what, is there someone I can talk to who knows what is going on around here...Yes! I want to speak to a manager. This shirt was clearly marked half off and that means I get half off...I don't care if this shirt was on a different rack and it's not made by the same company as the one on sale. It's clearly marked. Clearly!...Are you stupid?..."
If you have ever worked a retail job you have dealt with this customer. This is the customer who believes the phrase, 'the customer is always right' is an actual law, and not an advertising gimmick from the early 20th century.
Customers know if they let enough people pile up behind them and complain loud enough that they will eventually get what they want.
I saw an example of this yesterday at Target. All the checkout lines but one had three or more people in them. Fearing that line with only one person in it would fill up soon, I channeled my inner Olympic runner, and made a bee-line for it.
Only one person was faster than me at getting in the line. I nodded to the other person acknowledging her superior speed. I think her name was Lana Rainbow or Raver or something like that. I didn't completely catch it cause I soon found out why the line was empty. A customer and the store manager were locked in an epic battle over whether a pair of pants were part of the sale or not.
The customer declared they were, while the manager calmly and politely disagreed. Meanwhile, the cashier almost seemed to be hiding behind the manager from the vicious customer. I watched as both sides presented their case, and I saw neither one was willing to budge.
I told Lana we should switch lanes because this might take a while. Just as I finished gathering my last item off the conveyor belt, I froze as I heard the most amazing thing ever.
The customer had just called the manager stupid and suggested he go back to manager school. There was a short pause. I could almost hear the woman smile, thinking she had won the battle. Then it happened. The game changer.
The manager lifted his head up and me the woman's confident gaze. A smile bigger than the Cheshire Cat's appeared on his face. And in a tone that announced his freedom, the manager said, "Ma'am go f--k yourself! Good day."
At first the woman didn't react. After about a minute, she extended her credit card to the manager, head down in defeat. Without a word she left.
When it was Lana's turn and then mine, I noticed we were both super nice to the cashier who had returned to her register.
As I left the store, I watched the manager walk up and down the aisles, point at people and like a giddy school boy tell them to "F--k off" and "Go F--k yourself." I've never seen anyone seem happier or more free.
I want to go back and see if he's still there. I kind of wanted to shake his head and tell him I respected him.
When I inquired if he was working that day, a different cashier told me he had been let go. Shocked I asked him why and the guy said, "Well, he did tell over 200 customers to go F--k themselves."
Good point. However, I hope his brave act does not go ignored, and that other cashiers, sales associates and managers rise up to continue his fight.
I pray his battle cry rings out in Targets, Wal-marts, Walgreens....everywhere. Where ever customers are rude, I hope I hear the a proud "Go F--k yourself".
Go F--k yourself, indeed.
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| Target manager tells customer what he really thinks |
Customers know if they let enough people pile up behind them and complain loud enough that they will eventually get what they want.
I saw an example of this yesterday at Target. All the checkout lines but one had three or more people in them. Fearing that line with only one person in it would fill up soon, I channeled my inner Olympic runner, and made a bee-line for it.
Only one person was faster than me at getting in the line. I nodded to the other person acknowledging her superior speed. I think her name was Lana Rainbow or Raver or something like that. I didn't completely catch it cause I soon found out why the line was empty. A customer and the store manager were locked in an epic battle over whether a pair of pants were part of the sale or not.
The customer declared they were, while the manager calmly and politely disagreed. Meanwhile, the cashier almost seemed to be hiding behind the manager from the vicious customer. I watched as both sides presented their case, and I saw neither one was willing to budge.
I told Lana we should switch lanes because this might take a while. Just as I finished gathering my last item off the conveyor belt, I froze as I heard the most amazing thing ever.
The customer had just called the manager stupid and suggested he go back to manager school. There was a short pause. I could almost hear the woman smile, thinking she had won the battle. Then it happened. The game changer.
The manager lifted his head up and me the woman's confident gaze. A smile bigger than the Cheshire Cat's appeared on his face. And in a tone that announced his freedom, the manager said, "Ma'am go f--k yourself! Good day."
At first the woman didn't react. After about a minute, she extended her credit card to the manager, head down in defeat. Without a word she left.
When it was Lana's turn and then mine, I noticed we were both super nice to the cashier who had returned to her register.
As I left the store, I watched the manager walk up and down the aisles, point at people and like a giddy school boy tell them to "F--k off" and "Go F--k yourself." I've never seen anyone seem happier or more free.
I want to go back and see if he's still there. I kind of wanted to shake his head and tell him I respected him.
When I inquired if he was working that day, a different cashier told me he had been let go. Shocked I asked him why and the guy said, "Well, he did tell over 200 customers to go F--k themselves."
Good point. However, I hope his brave act does not go ignored, and that other cashiers, sales associates and managers rise up to continue his fight.
I pray his battle cry rings out in Targets, Wal-marts, Walgreens....everywhere. Where ever customers are rude, I hope I hear the a proud "Go F--k yourself".
Go F--k yourself, indeed.
Wednesday, April 25, 2012
Nations of the World
I know this post is a little out of the norm, but I really think the song is fun. So I wanted to share it. It's educational and you can use it to win bar bets.
United States, Canada, Mexico, Panama
Nation of the World
United States, Canada, Mexico, Panama
Haiti, Jamaica, Peru,
Republic Dominican, Cuba, Carribean
Greenland, El Salvador too.
Puerto Rico, Columbia, Venezuela
Honduras, Guyana, and still,
Guatemala, Bolivia, then Argentina
And Ecuador, Chile, Brazil.
Costa Rica, Belize, Nicaragua, Bermuda
Bahamas, Tobago, San Juan,
Paraguay, Uruguay, Surinam
And French Guiana, Barbados, and Guam.
Norway, and Sweden, and Iceland, and Finland
And Germany now one piece,
Switzerland, Austria, Czechoslovakia
Italy, Turkey, and Greece.
Poland, Romania, Scotland, Albania
Ireland, Russia, Oman,
Bulgaria, Saudi Arabia
Hungary, Cyprus, Iraq, and Iran.
There's Syria, Lebanon, Israel, Jordan
Both Yemens, Kuwait, and Bahrain,
The Netherlands, Luxembourg, Belgium, and Portugal
France, England, Denmark, and Spain.
India, Pakistan, Burma, Afghanistan
Thailand, Nepal, and Bhutan,
Kampuchea, Malaysia, then Bangladesh (Asia)
And China, Korea, Japan.
Mongolia, Laos, and Tibet, Indonesia
The Philippine Islands, Taiwan,
Sri Lanka, New Guinea, Sumatra, New Zealand
Then Borneo, and Vietnam.
Tunisia, Morocco, Uganda, Angola
Zimbabwe, Djibouti, Botswana,
Mozambique, Zambia, Swaziland, Gambia
Guinea, Algeria, Ghana.
Burundi, Lesotho, and Malawi, Togo
The Spanish Sahara is gone,
Niger, Nigeria, Chad, and Liberia
Egypt, Benin, and Gabon.
Tanzania, Somalia, Kenya, and Mali
Sierra Leone, and Algiers,
Dahomey, Namibia, Senegal, Libya
Cameroon, Congo, Zaire.
Ethiopia, Guinea-Bissau, Madagascar
Rwanda, Mahore, and Cayman,
Hong Kong, Abu Dhabi, Qatar, Yugoslavia...
Crete, Mauritania
Then Transylviania,
Monaco, Liechtenstein
Malta, and Palestine,
Fiji, Australia, Sudan.
Republic Dominican, Cuba, Carribean
Greenland, El Salvador too.
Puerto Rico, Columbia, Venezuela
Honduras, Guyana, and still,
Guatemala, Bolivia, then Argentina
And Ecuador, Chile, Brazil.
Costa Rica, Belize, Nicaragua, Bermuda
Bahamas, Tobago, San Juan,
Paraguay, Uruguay, Surinam
And French Guiana, Barbados, and Guam.
Norway, and Sweden, and Iceland, and Finland
And Germany now one piece,
Switzerland, Austria, Czechoslovakia
Italy, Turkey, and Greece.
Poland, Romania, Scotland, Albania
Ireland, Russia, Oman,
Bulgaria, Saudi Arabia
Hungary, Cyprus, Iraq, and Iran.
There's Syria, Lebanon, Israel, Jordan
Both Yemens, Kuwait, and Bahrain,
The Netherlands, Luxembourg, Belgium, and Portugal
France, England, Denmark, and Spain.
India, Pakistan, Burma, Afghanistan
Thailand, Nepal, and Bhutan,
Kampuchea, Malaysia, then Bangladesh (Asia)
And China, Korea, Japan.
Mongolia, Laos, and Tibet, Indonesia
The Philippine Islands, Taiwan,
Sri Lanka, New Guinea, Sumatra, New Zealand
Then Borneo, and Vietnam.
Tunisia, Morocco, Uganda, Angola
Zimbabwe, Djibouti, Botswana,
Mozambique, Zambia, Swaziland, Gambia
Guinea, Algeria, Ghana.
Burundi, Lesotho, and Malawi, Togo
The Spanish Sahara is gone,
Niger, Nigeria, Chad, and Liberia
Egypt, Benin, and Gabon.
Tanzania, Somalia, Kenya, and Mali
Sierra Leone, and Algiers,
Dahomey, Namibia, Senegal, Libya
Cameroon, Congo, Zaire.
Ethiopia, Guinea-Bissau, Madagascar
Rwanda, Mahore, and Cayman,
Hong Kong, Abu Dhabi, Qatar, Yugoslavia...
Crete, Mauritania
Then Transylviania,
Monaco, Liechtenstein
Malta, and Palestine,
Fiji, Australia, Sudan.
The Finger of God
When I was younger I was told if you were good and spoke to God, he could hear everything you said and asked for.
I have to admit, as a kid I asked God for several things over the years. One was to not have to wear glasses or contacts. I wanted a water slide next to my bed that would take me zooming through the house through a series of tubes that would eventually deposit me in the shower. Twice I asked for my high school football team to win the state championship. And I think over the years I asked God to help countless women fall in love with me. (Including Kathy Ireland and Margaret Thatcher. You heard me. Hotties!)
Of all the things I asked god for, guess how many prayers he answered...Nope, but good guess. The correct answer is, none. Granted, these weren't 'end world hunger' or 'let everyone live in peace' type prayers, but I figured someone else probably had those covered already.
I tried hard to figure out why God wouldn't answer my prayers. Was I not praying hard enough? Does he only listen to prayers at night that come from the foot of your bed? Does God think boys have cooties? Then it struck me. People always said, 'God would listen". They didn't say crap about him ever responding. I've really got to start paying more attention when people tell me things.
So fast forward to a lot of years later. I'm no longer a kid praying for random stuff. In fact, it is safe to safe I haven't prayed for anything. All that changed a few days ago. Have you ever had day that was so bad that halfway through the day you ask God for a reboot.? You know, a do over. That's the kind of day I was having. Within four hours of being awake my stupid phone stopped working, I was late for work, got a speeding ticket, remembered I had a movie I forgot to return (it was due like 6 days ago) and tons of other things. Each thing seemed to add more weight to my shoulders until finally I cried mercy and tapped out. Out of desperation I did something I hadn't done in decades. As rain, thunder and lightning raged around me, I closed my eyes and asked God to help. 'Just bring this day to an end and I promise to be a better person', I bargained. A moment passed before I finally opened my eyes. I felt different. Like he had heard me and everything was going to be different now.
Suddenly, lightning flashed in front of me. It was the biggest bolt of lightning I had ever seen. Then the lightning did something I had never seen before. I'm pretty sure it took the form of a giant hand that was flipping the bird, but not randomly. It appeared right in front of me after I finished praying. God...had just given me the middle finger. I suppose if you are looking for a sign about where you stand with God, that would be it. He could have just continued to ignore me, instead of being all douchie about it. Strange, you never read in the bible about God giving Moses the bird when he was angry.
Needless to say my day did not get any better. And after seeing the Finger of God, I can honestly say I did not expect it to. I did, however, take something away from that day. God may listen to everything you say and think, but sometimes it is better if he doesn't answer back. Trust me.
I have to admit, as a kid I asked God for several things over the years. One was to not have to wear glasses or contacts. I wanted a water slide next to my bed that would take me zooming through the house through a series of tubes that would eventually deposit me in the shower. Twice I asked for my high school football team to win the state championship. And I think over the years I asked God to help countless women fall in love with me. (Including Kathy Ireland and Margaret Thatcher. You heard me. Hotties!)
Of all the things I asked god for, guess how many prayers he answered...Nope, but good guess. The correct answer is, none. Granted, these weren't 'end world hunger' or 'let everyone live in peace' type prayers, but I figured someone else probably had those covered already.
I tried hard to figure out why God wouldn't answer my prayers. Was I not praying hard enough? Does he only listen to prayers at night that come from the foot of your bed? Does God think boys have cooties? Then it struck me. People always said, 'God would listen". They didn't say crap about him ever responding. I've really got to start paying more attention when people tell me things.
So fast forward to a lot of years later. I'm no longer a kid praying for random stuff. In fact, it is safe to safe I haven't prayed for anything. All that changed a few days ago. Have you ever had day that was so bad that halfway through the day you ask God for a reboot.? You know, a do over. That's the kind of day I was having. Within four hours of being awake my stupid phone stopped working, I was late for work, got a speeding ticket, remembered I had a movie I forgot to return (it was due like 6 days ago) and tons of other things. Each thing seemed to add more weight to my shoulders until finally I cried mercy and tapped out. Out of desperation I did something I hadn't done in decades. As rain, thunder and lightning raged around me, I closed my eyes and asked God to help. 'Just bring this day to an end and I promise to be a better person', I bargained. A moment passed before I finally opened my eyes. I felt different. Like he had heard me and everything was going to be different now.
Suddenly, lightning flashed in front of me. It was the biggest bolt of lightning I had ever seen. Then the lightning did something I had never seen before. I'm pretty sure it took the form of a giant hand that was flipping the bird, but not randomly. It appeared right in front of me after I finished praying. God...had just given me the middle finger. I suppose if you are looking for a sign about where you stand with God, that would be it. He could have just continued to ignore me, instead of being all douchie about it. Strange, you never read in the bible about God giving Moses the bird when he was angry.
Needless to say my day did not get any better. And after seeing the Finger of God, I can honestly say I did not expect it to. I did, however, take something away from that day. God may listen to everything you say and think, but sometimes it is better if he doesn't answer back. Trust me.
Sunday, April 22, 2012
Dangers of Tanning
I have written before concerning the fact that I have two jobs. At one I make parts for motorcycles, trucks and lawn mowers. The other, I repair and fix tanning beds. Neither jobs makes me hop out of bed with excitement in the morning, but they pay the bills and keep my lizard in crickets.
It's been about two years now that I have worked at the the tanning spa. I have heard a lot of weird things and seen some even weirder things. Like when a bolt of lightning struck a pile of mashed potatoes causing it to come to life and seek fame on American Idol. Like I said, weird.
Probably the thing I hear about the most at our spas are the effects of tanning. Some people preach the positive effects of it, while others believe it is so bad for you that a few seconds of exposure will cause you to melt quicker than a chocolate Easter Bunny. And while you may think I am exaggerating on that last one, it turns out cancer is no longer the number one concern for people who tan.
In fact, a recent study conducted by the University of Wisconsin, found that people who tan are more concerned with the possibility of turning into a zombie. Yep, you heard right. Tanning is the number two highest cause for zombification.
According to Grant Sherman, Director of the Nation Health and Safety Administration, not everyone who tans will become a zombie. Only about 65% of the population is prone to this condition.
"If you tan there is no guarantee you will become a zombie. It's like if you drink a lot of pop or eat a lot of food that is bad for you," Sherman said. "There is no guarantee all your teeth will fall out or that you will have a heart attack, but it greatly increases your odds."
There are a few precautions one can take when tanning to avoid turning into a zombie. Number one is never eat after midnight; two is avoid water and three is stay out of direct sun light.
We all want to look the best we can. It is true that a nice deep tan is much more appealing to the opposite sex than looking like Casper the Friendly Ghost. I just wonder if looking just a little bit sexier is worth the possibility I might end up wandering the streets moaning "Brains" for the rest of my life. Yeah, I may look good, but if there is a chance I might eat your brains, I'm sure that's going to affect the amount of dates I get.
I guess I'm still on the fence about the whole tanning thing, but at least now I know the facts. And knowing is half the battle, G.I. Joe.
It's been about two years now that I have worked at the the tanning spa. I have heard a lot of weird things and seen some even weirder things. Like when a bolt of lightning struck a pile of mashed potatoes causing it to come to life and seek fame on American Idol. Like I said, weird.
Probably the thing I hear about the most at our spas are the effects of tanning. Some people preach the positive effects of it, while others believe it is so bad for you that a few seconds of exposure will cause you to melt quicker than a chocolate Easter Bunny. And while you may think I am exaggerating on that last one, it turns out cancer is no longer the number one concern for people who tan.
In fact, a recent study conducted by the University of Wisconsin, found that people who tan are more concerned with the possibility of turning into a zombie. Yep, you heard right. Tanning is the number two highest cause for zombification.
According to Grant Sherman, Director of the Nation Health and Safety Administration, not everyone who tans will become a zombie. Only about 65% of the population is prone to this condition. "If you tan there is no guarantee you will become a zombie. It's like if you drink a lot of pop or eat a lot of food that is bad for you," Sherman said. "There is no guarantee all your teeth will fall out or that you will have a heart attack, but it greatly increases your odds."
There are a few precautions one can take when tanning to avoid turning into a zombie. Number one is never eat after midnight; two is avoid water and three is stay out of direct sun light.
We all want to look the best we can. It is true that a nice deep tan is much more appealing to the opposite sex than looking like Casper the Friendly Ghost. I just wonder if looking just a little bit sexier is worth the possibility I might end up wandering the streets moaning "Brains" for the rest of my life. Yeah, I may look good, but if there is a chance I might eat your brains, I'm sure that's going to affect the amount of dates I get.
I guess I'm still on the fence about the whole tanning thing, but at least now I know the facts. And knowing is half the battle, G.I. Joe.
Sunday, April 15, 2012
Reality Woes
Living with people you hate. Dating 20 people at the same time. Wanting people to keep up with you. Drinking, fighting and having sex. Eating very little except for the occasional plate full of icky insects.
No, this blog is not going to point out the highlights of a typical high school student. It's the 'hooks' and 'game changers' networks use to get us to give up an hour or two of our day to watch their reality based programming.
I will be the first to proudly admit that I do not devote what little tv viewing time I have to reality tv. Sure it means I'll never know exactly what football team Snookie is currently hooking up with this week, or what swell guy received the rose and what loser is balling his eyes out over love lost in the back of a limo. It's a sacrifice true, but one I was willing to make... Until now.
While watching my favorite tv show, Pudding and Popcorn, I saw a promo for the upcoming season of Survivor. I cried out a defiant "Nope!", and grabbed for the remote, but I wasn't fast enough. Just as my finger pressed the next channel button i heard," This season Survivor goes to the Island of Doctor Moreau." My smile was replaced by a long, sad sigh and with the realization that I would be spending the next couple months at tribal councils and watching alliances form and crumble.
In past seasons, Survivor has always taken place where contestants mights have to deal with the occasional spider or giant-yet-to-be-classified bug. No true danger. However, slipping ratings have caused producers to push the envelope a little.
The Island of Doctor Mo]reau is located in the middle of nowhere and is uninhabited...by humans, sort of. For years the island was home to a mad geneticist who created dozens of new species. There are piranha the size of tigers, snakes that can swallow elephants whole and animal/human hybrids.
The only bright side of this show is that the odds are fairly good, the majority of the contestants won't make it to a tribal council... or home. Which means no one will show up on another reality show trying for another 15 minutes of fame.
The good news is the show only runs for three months, but now that I am part of the 'reality culture' I will have to educate my friends on the rules. Just like horror films and dating, reality tv has its own set of rules. The most important of which is, 'don't talk about what happened on last nights show in front of me'. Other standard rules such as 'don't call me when my show is on' and 'hate who i hate on the show' apply as well.
I promise that as soon as three months are up I will never watch another reality show again...Unless Mtv likes my audition tape for their new show, the Real World - Road Rules - Potato Vampire Slayer Challenge. Although technically, I'm not watching it.
No, this blog is not going to point out the highlights of a typical high school student. It's the 'hooks' and 'game changers' networks use to get us to give up an hour or two of our day to watch their reality based programming.
I will be the first to proudly admit that I do not devote what little tv viewing time I have to reality tv. Sure it means I'll never know exactly what football team Snookie is currently hooking up with this week, or what swell guy received the rose and what loser is balling his eyes out over love lost in the back of a limo. It's a sacrifice true, but one I was willing to make... Until now.
While watching my favorite tv show, Pudding and Popcorn, I saw a promo for the upcoming season of Survivor. I cried out a defiant "Nope!", and grabbed for the remote, but I wasn't fast enough. Just as my finger pressed the next channel button i heard," This season Survivor goes to the Island of Doctor Moreau." My smile was replaced by a long, sad sigh and with the realization that I would be spending the next couple months at tribal councils and watching alliances form and crumble.
In past seasons, Survivor has always taken place where contestants mights have to deal with the occasional spider or giant-yet-to-be-classified bug. No true danger. However, slipping ratings have caused producers to push the envelope a little. The Island of Doctor Mo]reau is located in the middle of nowhere and is uninhabited...by humans, sort of. For years the island was home to a mad geneticist who created dozens of new species. There are piranha the size of tigers, snakes that can swallow elephants whole and animal/human hybrids.
The only bright side of this show is that the odds are fairly good, the majority of the contestants won't make it to a tribal council... or home. Which means no one will show up on another reality show trying for another 15 minutes of fame.
The good news is the show only runs for three months, but now that I am part of the 'reality culture' I will have to educate my friends on the rules. Just like horror films and dating, reality tv has its own set of rules. The most important of which is, 'don't talk about what happened on last nights show in front of me'. Other standard rules such as 'don't call me when my show is on' and 'hate who i hate on the show' apply as well.
I promise that as soon as three months are up I will never watch another reality show again...Unless Mtv likes my audition tape for their new show, the Real World - Road Rules - Potato Vampire Slayer Challenge. Although technically, I'm not watching it.
Sunday, April 8, 2012
Cheetos Responsible for 'Monster' Rabbits
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| Plow with his 5 foot tall rabbits. |
According to Peter Plow, the farmer, he has been trying to breed the perfect rabbit for years. "In my eyes the perfect rabbit has fur as soft as cotton, a cute wiggly nose, is smarter than most humans and will be full of love."
For over 40 years he has been trying to achieve his dream, and no matter how close he came, he always felt as if something was missing. Leaving him feeling sad and disappointed. Plow no longer is sad or disappointed.
Today he is the proud owner of several rabbits who have more than fulfilled his dream. The rabbits possess everything Plow wanted them to. Not to mention they range in length from 5 to 8 feet long.
When asked how he was able to get his rabbits to grow so big, Plow needed a little coaxing but eventually revealed his secret. Cheetos. Yep, you heard right.
"One day I was cleaning their cages and eating some crunchy Cheetos when I swear of a wolfbat... that's a wolf head on the body of a bat...tried to lift me up by the hair. While I was swinging at the wolfbat, a bunch of Cheetos fell into one of the rabbit cages. A few days later when I went back to clean its cage again, the rabbit had grown an entire foot." Plow related the origin of his 'Mega' Rabbit with a smile that never wavered.
More surprising is the fact that, Plow says that the rabbits growth doesn't seem to have limitations. It seems that all Plow has to do is put a few Cheetos in the cage and over the next couple days the rabbit will grow at least another foot.
While some governmental figures have expressed concern that Plow might accidentally drop a Family Size bag of Cheetos into a cage causing the rabbit to grow large enough to go on a Godzilla style rampage, the majority of Morris, Illinois, have fallen in love with the giant bundles of fur.
When asked what he sees in his future, Plow tells how he just finished watching Avatar, and he would like to create rabbits big enough that they could be used as a mode of transportation like in the movie. Sort of like horses but able to cover more ground at a much faster pace. Plus they can hop. How cool is that.
Saturday, April 7, 2012
Renegade Bunnies Target Egg Hunts
This weekend I left Madison to go visit my family in Illinois, and part from a super long drive, road construction, tolls that cost as much as a Happy Meal from McDonalds and that idiot who thinks the fast lane means go below the speed limit, I was looking forward to my annual Easter trip.
When I arrived we did the annual Easter type things. We made Easter baskets for my niece. A trip was made to local green house to buy plants for a flower garden. And we went grocery shopping where while in line my niece asked a random elderly woman if she was her grandma. In case you were wondering, she was not.
All these activities are fine, but I was looking forward to the annual Easter Egg Hunt the town holds each year on a long abandoned mine field. I had been practicing my new egg grabbing technique: tuck, roll, grab egg and flip back to my feet. Ninjas everywhere eat your hearts out, because ready is an understatement for what I was.
I told my mom I would make my family proud and bring home like 80% of the eggs. You could call it my own personally Hunger Games, except I haven't seen the movie so I really wouldn't know. Sounds about right though. Without a word, my mom picked up a newspaper article she had cut out and handed it to me.
Confusion swept over me, and this unexplainable feeling of dread. Taking a deep breath I started reading the article. I don't think I even made it passed the first line before I felt my heart drop. The Headline read, "Easter Egg Hunt Cancelled: Renegade Bunnies Target Egg Hunts".
The article went on describe the story of three cute bunnies who were attending the University of Easter and Peeps. These three bunnies were on the fast track to working in the field as actual Easter Bunnies. The story takes a dark turn when it was discovered the three bunnies had been taking experimental performance enhancing drugs. Furious and embarrassed the university expelled the three bunnies who upon leaving the grounds swore their revenge. It's not certain if it was the drugs or they were over taken by then evil within, but the three cute bunnies had become as ugly on the outside as they were on the inside.
True to their word, the now three evil bunnies were disrupting and attacking people at Easter Egg Hunts all over the world. In Chicago, a woman related the story of how one of the evil bunnies started breaking Easter eggs over her husbands head while another evil bunny shook its butt in his face.
Due to the actions of these evil bunnies, Easter Egg Hunts everywhere had been cancelled. It sort of sucks that there will be no Easter Egg Hunt, but I'm sure we will find something else to do as a family. There's always the game of how many jelly beans a person can fit up their nose. It's kind of cool, because no matter whether you win or lose, for the next week every time you sneeze it looks like a rainbow in your Kleenex.
So, while other plans are already being made, I kind of can't help but wonder what kind of pressure society is putting on these Easter-Bunnies-in Training. Is the school just that strict or is it that Johnny-Down-the-Street needed one too many chocolate covered bunnies. definitely something to think about.
When I arrived we did the annual Easter type things. We made Easter baskets for my niece. A trip was made to local green house to buy plants for a flower garden. And we went grocery shopping where while in line my niece asked a random elderly woman if she was her grandma. In case you were wondering, she was not.
All these activities are fine, but I was looking forward to the annual Easter Egg Hunt the town holds each year on a long abandoned mine field. I had been practicing my new egg grabbing technique: tuck, roll, grab egg and flip back to my feet. Ninjas everywhere eat your hearts out, because ready is an understatement for what I was.
I told my mom I would make my family proud and bring home like 80% of the eggs. You could call it my own personally Hunger Games, except I haven't seen the movie so I really wouldn't know. Sounds about right though. Without a word, my mom picked up a newspaper article she had cut out and handed it to me.
Confusion swept over me, and this unexplainable feeling of dread. Taking a deep breath I started reading the article. I don't think I even made it passed the first line before I felt my heart drop. The Headline read, "Easter Egg Hunt Cancelled: Renegade Bunnies Target Egg Hunts".
The article went on describe the story of three cute bunnies who were attending the University of Easter and Peeps. These three bunnies were on the fast track to working in the field as actual Easter Bunnies. The story takes a dark turn when it was discovered the three bunnies had been taking experimental performance enhancing drugs. Furious and embarrassed the university expelled the three bunnies who upon leaving the grounds swore their revenge. It's not certain if it was the drugs or they were over taken by then evil within, but the three cute bunnies had become as ugly on the outside as they were on the inside.
True to their word, the now three evil bunnies were disrupting and attacking people at Easter Egg Hunts all over the world. In Chicago, a woman related the story of how one of the evil bunnies started breaking Easter eggs over her husbands head while another evil bunny shook its butt in his face.
Due to the actions of these evil bunnies, Easter Egg Hunts everywhere had been cancelled. It sort of sucks that there will be no Easter Egg Hunt, but I'm sure we will find something else to do as a family. There's always the game of how many jelly beans a person can fit up their nose. It's kind of cool, because no matter whether you win or lose, for the next week every time you sneeze it looks like a rainbow in your Kleenex.
So, while other plans are already being made, I kind of can't help but wonder what kind of pressure society is putting on these Easter-Bunnies-in Training. Is the school just that strict or is it that Johnny-Down-the-Street needed one too many chocolate covered bunnies. definitely something to think about.
Wednesday, April 4, 2012
If you watch the Weather Channel like I do, you will see that this weekend is supposed to be really nice. That means lots of sun no rain.
I have to admit when I heard about the nice weather, I probably had the same thought as everyone else. And that was to have a cook out. After all, who doesn't love free food and drunkin yard games.
About half way through the day, I pretty much had the cook out all planned out. Just as I was putting the final touches on my awesome cook out, i realized how cliche I was being. Don't get me wrong, I love the idea of cooking out, but I wanted to do something completely different. I want my friends to be like, "What the F@%ck," when they arrive and leave my house.
So, it took a little planning and a few hours to finish, but I think I have the best yard game ever. And not that you have to be, but being drunk does make it a little more shall we say "fun."
There are four parts to my little obstacle course. I would go into detail but I don't want to give away all the cool stuff. Instead, if you are curious come on over. I'm sure you'll have fun.
I have to admit when I heard about the nice weather, I probably had the same thought as everyone else. And that was to have a cook out. After all, who doesn't love free food and drunkin yard games.
About half way through the day, I pretty much had the cook out all planned out. Just as I was putting the final touches on my awesome cook out, i realized how cliche I was being. Don't get me wrong, I love the idea of cooking out, but I wanted to do something completely different. I want my friends to be like, "What the F@%ck," when they arrive and leave my house.
So, it took a little planning and a few hours to finish, but I think I have the best yard game ever. And not that you have to be, but being drunk does make it a little more shall we say "fun."
There are four parts to my little obstacle course. I would go into detail but I don't want to give away all the cool stuff. Instead, if you are curious come on over. I'm sure you'll have fun.
Tuesday, April 3, 2012
Mall Proves Dangerous for Bunny
I have never been a fan of malls. They are crowded, the stores never have anything cool and the food court is fairly disappointing. I mean come on, whatever happened to the giant cookie stand.
It has been a while since I went anywhere near the mall, but I had a formal dinner event coming up soon and I needed some neon pink socks. I figure American Eagle or the Buckle would have some, so that's where I was on my to. However, just as I left the food court, I heard some screaming and cussing coming from Easter Land.
I wasn't sure what to expect, but a few thoughts danced around my head. Perhaps some parent wanted one too many pictures of the Easter Bunny and the guy in the costume had had about enough. Maybe some kid wet himself while sitting on the Easter Bunny's lap and out of rage the Easter Bunny gave the kid an atomic wedgie. I even entertained the notion that a gang of leprechauns had been hired by Santa to "take out the bunny", Sopranos style
What I didn't expect to see were two 20somethings, beating the jelly beans out of the Easter Bunny. I . tried to listen to hear what they were saying, but all I could make out was one of the guys yelling, "Snoggins" over and over.
I thought of trying to help out the Easter Bunny, maybe even up the odds a bit, but then I realized all he brings me is basket full of candy. Seriously, just candy? Frak that! At least Santa leaves me Best Buy gift cards. Besides what could one man do against two attackers. I mean, the pretty much beat the Easter Bunny into the ground. So, I did what any good citizen would do. I pulled out my cell phone, pretended to dial some random numbers and acted like I was talking to my girlfriend.
When I was a few feet away from Easter Land, I heard someone shout, "Stop or I will light you up like a Christmas tree." Maybe my Santa theory wasn't too far off.
Later that day I found out that someone did call the police in hopes of helping the Easter Bunny. When the officer showed up he gave his warning, and then without hesitation fired the taser. What people didn't know was the officer had a huge fear of rabbits, so when he saw the six foot Easter Bunny, he panicked.
I felt bad for the Easter Bunny, but I will admit, my trip to the mall was definitely not boring. And I did get my socks. Thanks to all the commotion I was able to walk in and walk right out. I even left and I.O.U. at the cash register. Oh, and if you are wondering what happened to the two guys who started the whole thing. They were given jobs as Security Elves for Santa.
I thought of trying to help out the Easter Bunny, maybe even up the odds a bit, but then I realized all he brings me is basket full of candy. Seriously, just candy? Frak that! At least Santa leaves me Best Buy gift cards. Besides what could one man do against two attackers. I mean, the pretty much beat the Easter Bunny into the ground. So, I did what any good citizen would do. I pulled out my cell phone, pretended to dial some random numbers and acted like I was talking to my girlfriend.
When I was a few feet away from Easter Land, I heard someone shout, "Stop or I will light you up like a Christmas tree." Maybe my Santa theory wasn't too far off.
Later that day I found out that someone did call the police in hopes of helping the Easter Bunny. When the officer showed up he gave his warning, and then without hesitation fired the taser. What people didn't know was the officer had a huge fear of rabbits, so when he saw the six foot Easter Bunny, he panicked.
I felt bad for the Easter Bunny, but I will admit, my trip to the mall was definitely not boring. And I did get my socks. Thanks to all the commotion I was able to walk in and walk right out. I even left and I.O.U. at the cash register. Oh, and if you are wondering what happened to the two guys who started the whole thing. They were given jobs as Security Elves for Santa.
Monday, April 2, 2012
New Summer Camp Opening Soon
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| Jason Voorhees with camp sign |
This new camp located pretty much in the middle of nowhere in the center of one of the biggest forests in Wisconsin. I heard they are going to have horseback riding, swimming, go-karts, arts and crafts, hockey, running and classes on how to make your own machete.
The report also said something about some tragedy that occurred there a few years ago. Honestly, I was in the middle of playing Angry Birds and only paid attention to the first half of the report. I'm sure it wasn't anything monumentally serious.
The camp does have a few small requirements that applicants must meet. Anyone applying to attend the camp must be attractive, in good shape but clumsy and prone to falling alot while running. There were a few other requirements, but like I said, I wasn't paying that close of attention.
One thing I did notice that they did was give backgrounds on some of the counselors. Some of their backgrounds are pretty impressive. They really seemed to be hyping this guy who is in charge of the sports department. I guess they think he will help draw in the campers. I included a picture of him below.
This is definitely camp is definitely worth taking a look at. It's the kind of camp I wish was around when I was younger. Check out their website and help support this new local business.
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| Hockey coach welcomes campers |
Sunday, April 1, 2012
A Helping Hand
Following yesterdays gray skies and cold weather, today was definitely a refreshing change. And while the sun still wasn't shining bright, it was way warmer which put me in a pretty good mood. I planned out my day and was set to get so much accomplished. My day was planned so perfectly, I even had time to go see a movie with some friends before having to start my list. Sadly, to quote John Steinbeck, "The best laid plans of mice and men often go awry".
Outside the theater my friends and I were checking out the 21 Jump Street poster. Sheamus was admiring the brush strokes used in the creation of the art on the poster while I tried to convince him that it just a simple photograph. Our discussion was interrupted by a man in torn clothes and a face that has seen too many harsh days.
He blurted out that he wanted something to eat. We all fell silent, kind of lowered our heads and looked from one to the other, wondering which of us would be the one to help. This wasn't the first time any of us had encountered a down on their luck person, who reluctantly asked for help. Like many in todays 'me' society, we hoped that by just ignoring the problem that eventually someone else would take care of it and it would go away.
I am ashamed to say that quietly we all shook our heads 'no' and walked away. As we walked away, I could still hear the man crying out, "Brains! Brains!"
To be honest, I have never been comfortable around the zombie population. It's not that I have anything against them or their culture, my cousin is zombie. I just find a few of their practices unsettling.
We bought our tickets and hit the snack counter. I had $30 in my pocket and after using that and borrowing another $3.75 from my friend, I bought a small popcorn and drink. As I handed the money to the cashier, pounding and moaning began to echo through the lobby of the theater. Looking back toward the entrance doors, a mob of zombies had gathered to protest and demand food.
The chant of "Brains" grew and grew. I forgot that zombies rarely travel alone and when offended are quick to protest. This is one of those things I hate about zombies. They are always asking for the same thing. It's always "brains this" and "brains that", and if they don't get what they want they form a mob.
Due to the fact a zombie protest can get out of hand and more often than not people get hurt, the theater security made us all gather in the Ultra Screen theater until police could take care if the situation.
Four hours later, the police shooed away the last zombie and finally gave the all clear sign. My friends and I agreed it was far too late now to see a movie so we rain checked the event for another day.
I was able to get a few things done on my list but the majority of it will have to wait till tomorrow. The day may have ended up being a total bust but I did learn something. Every thing has feelings, and even though the situation is uncomfortable for you, just remember how hard it is for that zombie.
So, next time a zombie comes up to me and cries out for brains, I will totally trip the guy next to me and be like, "Here you go my zombie friend. Enjoy."
Outside the theater my friends and I were checking out the 21 Jump Street poster. Sheamus was admiring the brush strokes used in the creation of the art on the poster while I tried to convince him that it just a simple photograph. Our discussion was interrupted by a man in torn clothes and a face that has seen too many harsh days.
He blurted out that he wanted something to eat. We all fell silent, kind of lowered our heads and looked from one to the other, wondering which of us would be the one to help. This wasn't the first time any of us had encountered a down on their luck person, who reluctantly asked for help. Like many in todays 'me' society, we hoped that by just ignoring the problem that eventually someone else would take care of it and it would go away.
I am ashamed to say that quietly we all shook our heads 'no' and walked away. As we walked away, I could still hear the man crying out, "Brains! Brains!"
To be honest, I have never been comfortable around the zombie population. It's not that I have anything against them or their culture, my cousin is zombie. I just find a few of their practices unsettling.
We bought our tickets and hit the snack counter. I had $30 in my pocket and after using that and borrowing another $3.75 from my friend, I bought a small popcorn and drink. As I handed the money to the cashier, pounding and moaning began to echo through the lobby of the theater. Looking back toward the entrance doors, a mob of zombies had gathered to protest and demand food.
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| Zombies gather at theater for protest |
Due to the fact a zombie protest can get out of hand and more often than not people get hurt, the theater security made us all gather in the Ultra Screen theater until police could take care if the situation.
Four hours later, the police shooed away the last zombie and finally gave the all clear sign. My friends and I agreed it was far too late now to see a movie so we rain checked the event for another day.
I was able to get a few things done on my list but the majority of it will have to wait till tomorrow. The day may have ended up being a total bust but I did learn something. Every thing has feelings, and even though the situation is uncomfortable for you, just remember how hard it is for that zombie.
So, next time a zombie comes up to me and cries out for brains, I will totally trip the guy next to me and be like, "Here you go my zombie friend. Enjoy."
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