Man, today has not been one of my better days. Not only am I still dealing with the fact that I lost my manhood to some boxes of cereal, but at work I was paired up with a guy I can't stand. And, of course,on today of all days, I forgot my iPod and headphones at home.
I'm sure you all know what I'm talking about, because at one time or another, you too were forced to work with a similar person. The person who thinks that every thing they are always 100% right of the time no matter what the subject is. The person who refuses to listen to your advice and does everything their own way. The person who has to greet every supervisor and manager that walks by and also has to give a detail account of what they are doing even though no one asked. The person who makes you want to wear headphones so you don't have to listen to them tell their absurdly outlandish stories anymore. The person who makes you think about quitting your job just so you don't have to work with them. The person...
Okay, I think you get what I am talking about. Normally, when I get paired with someone who drives me crazy I can suck it up and deal, but not without my headphones. I only made it about half way through the night before I started thinking throwing my partner into the furnace.
The company, however, would most likely frown on this method of conflict resolution. They prefer the more traditional technique of first, going to your boss and complaining to them about the person making you crazy. Your boss then speaks to the human resources person and together they iron out a solid plan to resolve the tension. Finally, you and the annoying one are called into the human resources office and told how things will be better from that point forward.
All well in good if you want to fill your work partner with rage and have to worry about him killing you as you walk to your car. Nooo thank you.
Over the years I have come up with five techniques of my own that have proven quite effective. Not only in getting rid of my partner but also in not getting me killed. I call that a win-win.
Tip 1: Its kind of an oldie but it still works. The idea is simple, to be an effective employee you have to be able to work. So, all you have to do is take that ability away. There is a good chance that the person you are working with probably has a water bottle or cup full of something close by. Send your partner on an errand of the 'wild goose' variety then pull out your trusty bottle of Visine you keep in your pocket for just such an emergency. Simply put 6 to 8 drops of Visine in his drink and wait. After the initial drink give it about 15 minutes and your partner will be in the bathroom with a raging case of the Hersey Squirts. (Sorry. I tried to find a nicer of way of saying it and after a little research I found that there is not.) Given your partners current state and inability to stay working, they will have no choice but to send him home.
Tip 2: People leave their cell phones out all the time at work. Sure you should be able to trust the people you work with not to touch your stuff, but you also shouldn't be a douche. So, it all balances out. The circle of life and all that. Okay, so your annoying work partner has just spent the last hour telling you what awesome presents and trips he has planned for him and his girlfriend. Again simply send your partner on another errand. Now quickly scroll through his texts. If he is as good a boyfriend as he says he is, most likely there will be a recent text somewhere at the top of his history. Pick the most likely name, or several if you aren't sure, and send her a text explaining how on a whim you (your partner) had gone for to get tested for any diseases and that you have herpes and three other venereal diseases. Give it a few minutes, but rest assured that as soon as his phone rings, he will be out the door.
Tip 3: If you want to make sure your partner is gone for more than a day, you may want to try something a little more extreme. Maybe you once again use your partner's cell phone, and this time you use it to call the police. Tell the person who answers the phone that you want to confess to some dog kidnappings or something similar then hang up. Have no fear. The police will track the call back to your partner's phone then ask him to come down to the station to answer questions. Remember...when coming up with the crime you want to frame your partner for pick something that can eventually be proven innocent of. You want him out of work for a day or two, not on trail for murdering spree.
Tip 4: Write your main boss a love note and sign your partner's name to it. One of two things will happen. However, either out come works in your favor. One possibility is the boss sends your partner home for harassment. The other possibility is you create and accidental love connection. Again... use good judgement when writing your letter. You want him sent home just for the night until it can be proved that the handwriting in the note isn't his. And in case, you are worried they will trace the note back to you because of your handwriting, don't. You were obviously smart enough to have your cousin write the note for you in advance. All you did was keep it safe in your work locker.
Tip 5: This last tip I call the 'Red Button Technique' because you only use it as a last resort. Kind of like hitting the red button to launch all our nuclear missiles. It assures complete and total destruction. Or more appropriately in this case, your partner gets suspended for a few weeks or worse fired. You should only use this if all the other tips have failed to get your partner assigned to work with either a different person or a different department. Remember, With great power must come great responsibility. Spider-Man said that. But, like I said, if everything else has failed then try this. Every time your partner says something say exactly what they did but use a whiny little kid voice. Whenever he tells you about something, declare he is full of crap in that same whiny little kid voice. It may take anywhere from two to four hours but eventually he will snap and take a swing at you. Here is the kicker, if he misses, no one may believe he took a swing at you. So, if you want him gone, you are going to have to take the hit. If you do there will be irrefutable proof that he attacked you and he will be gone before you get back from the nurses office.
* For those of you worried and feeling guilty that making your partner leave work or getting him suspended for a few weeks will cause him to go hungry or get kicked out of his apartment, put your minds at ease. He will most likely have tons of vacation time stored up and most suspensions are paid for while the investigation is being done. So he will be fine. And most importantly, you will once again have peace of mind.