Flying Lessons

I was trying out the the new photo editor app I just downloaded.

The Ultimate Lesson

Hey every body.  I just wanted to inform you all that this will be my last post for a long time.

When I first started this big I promised it would be about the silly things in life and never take itself too serious. But I'm breaking that promise today in hopes other people won't make the same mistake I did.

Friday night I picked up my girlfriend's phone and looked at some texts between her and a guy friend.

I'm not proud of what I did. If there was a way to take it back I would, but I can't. Its not something I have ever done before and I would tell you I wouldn't do it again in the future,  but I don't think I'll get a chance to prove that. 

Because I have betrayed her trust on such a deep level, I was told a few minutes ago that she needed a few days to be alone and think.

In situations like this, people are required to tell you things will be okay. Just give her a few days and everything will be okay. 

The hardest part is not only knowing I hurt her, but knowing I will never hear her say, 'I love you' again with her arms around me.

Some of you are surely asking why I did such a stupid thing. And the answer is I gave into a moment of weakness.  I was feeling bad about myself and I knew this guy was always hitting on her, so I wanted to see her telling him 'no thanks.  I have a boyfriend. '

Was it with it? Hell no. I know she asked for a few days, but I'm pretty sure she made up her mind already.

Ladies and gentlemen, I have lost one of the best things that ever happened to me over being pathetic and insecure.

She made me laugh. She inspired me on so many levels.  I used to relish every time she said, I love you. Every time those words escaped her lips my heart felt like nothing could stop it. And now I would say there is a 90% chance I will never hear here speak those words again. Let alone see her.

Folks this woman is completely amazing.  She is totally nerd compatible. She is caring and loving and super smart.  She is so beautiful.  I could stare into her eyes and just let myself get lost.

My last image of her is seeing her sleeping on the couch looking beautiful. She was so tired from our trip to Ikea and looking at paint samples that she crashed as soon as we got to her house.

When I left her house she was quietly sleeping. She had this cute little smile on her face and looked so comfy.

That will most likely be the last memory I have of her. We were working on a wall in her basement to convert it into a room for some of my stuff when I moved in at the end of next month.

I beg everyone out there. Please don't let your insecurities get to you and do what I did.  Because of what I did, I lost one of the most important people in my life and I have to live forever knowing I almost had the love I was always searching for and I destroyed it out of sheer insecurity and stupidity.

I have no one to blame but myself. So basically tonight a countdown clock has been started.  Like I said,  I'm pretty sure what her answer will be. I'm hoping for the best but given she didn't say, I love you or anything really to me today. Let's just say I'm not trying to fool myself about what her answer might be.

So in case I never get to talk to her again I just want to say that, 'I love you baby.  Thank you for some of the greatest months of my life.  You are an amazing woman and you deserve all the happiness this crazy world has to offer you. If you ever need help or anything... just call.  I'll help no questions asked. I will miss you with all my heart'.

Thank you everyone for reading all my strange and random babble through out the year. Good bye.

.

Sincerely,
Jim
Sparkle Who

A Guy's Request

Subway Artist

  I did it. I can't believe I actually did it.

  This morning I woke up and decided it was time to take off the protective gear and take some chances in life. And to help usher in this new era of risk taking, I immediately did the most unpredictable least safe thing I could think of. I sent text messages to both my bosses at both my jobs telling them, "I quit'.

  No longer was I going to spend 12 to 15 hours a day toiling away for some faceless corporation or some mega chain store.

  I want to wake up and feel excited about going to work. I want to feel like my matters and people respect me. I want to set my spirit free and create. But most of all, I never ever want to wear another uniform ever again.

  Now, I know what you are thinking. You're thinking, "like that is a nice dream and all, but who doesn't have that dream. Like totally everyone wants that. Why did you quit your job before you had another one lined up? Not smart are you, for sure." I'm not sure why your voice sounds like an oddly angry valley girl in my head, but you do.

  And just so you know, I didn't just quit my jobs without first having a plan. Sure I want a better more rewarding job, but I also like my corn dogs and jelly beans. So, rest assured the only way I would have quit my jobs is if I already had another one lined up.

This could be my new job,

  When I first woke up this morning I did what I do every morning. I grabbed my Galaxy S3 and I just played around on the web for a bit. Today one of my Internet stops included Craig's List. I check out the site now and then because sometimes there are really good job leads.

  This morning as I was quickly scanning the listings, I came across one that made me stop. It was an ad looking for some to be a Subway Artist. Which I'm guessing means I would be painting murals and the such in the subways. Hmm... I didn't know Madison had a subway system. Oh whatever. This is the chance I had been waiting for. I could not only be creative but people would admire my work every day.

  I should clarify that I don't technically have the job yet. Nope, I still have to go in tomorrow for my first and final interview. but the guy on the phone said I seemed like a promising candidate.

  Tonight I was supposed to go out with some friends, but I'm thinking about skipping out on them and instead going home and doing a little drawing. Maybe on my first day they will let me do some original art. I'm so excited. How many other people can say they are subway artists?

  I'll keep you updated about how the interview goes. Wish me luck.

Girls Advice To Guys..."No Dick In The Back!"

  I don't know about you, but every now and then doing the same old things gets a little boring. So, to combat this my girlfriend and I will have what we call, 'A Day of Firsts' to help liven things up. The idea is pretty simple in nature yet it is responsible for some very fun days. 

  Now this doesn't mean that we have to do something that neither of us has done before. If we made that a rule that would pretty much leave sky diving and bank robbing as things we could do together. Although, to be fair, I don't think I have ever asked her if she has ever been sky diving. There might just be bank robbing left. At least I hope bank robbing is the only option left and not sky diving. 

  Not that it matters since, it doesn't have to be something we have both yet to do. It just has to be something one of us hasn't done. Which works out nicely, because I know I have experienced a lot of things that I want to re-experience with her, and I think she feels the same.

  Last night's experience was kind of in the gray area. See, we decided to go see some bands play at the Majestic, a place known for providing some of the best music, stand up comedy and movies in Madison. We had both been to shows and concerts before, but never to any put on by the bands we were seeing that night. So, I'm still counting it as a new experience. Besides, I have never seen a band play in a theater type of venue. All the concerts I have been to have been big out door festival kind of things with multiple stages and multiple bands all playing at the same time.

  I will admit to being a little nervous about going. Sometimes I get a little nervous in large crowds, and this was definitely going to be a large crowd. Also, did I mention that I can't dance to save my life. I know. I know. Supposedly everyone can dance, if only just a little bit. This, however, is a lie. The last time I tried to dance and I was knocked to the floor and restrained by paramedics who thought I was having a seizure.

  My girlfriend is the one who has the rhythm. So, I figured why not ask her. She probably has some awesome advice on how someone who is rhythmically impaired can still look cool. After all, I didn't want to embarrass her. I wanted to look like I have some swagger.

  With my tail tucked between my legs, I went to her and explained my need for help.  And like I thought she would, she gave me several pieces of  advice on what to do. Including one tip that she said was the most important thing for a guy to remember when dancing with a girl... Don't stick your dick in her back!

  I wasn't necessarily sure what she meant by this. Was this some term for a new dance move I was unfamiliar with or perhaps a new way to rob someone. Who knew. So, I had to ask for clarification. To her credit she was very politically correct with her explanation.

  "It's when a guy is dancing behind a girl and he starts grinding on her. Maybe its okay for one song, but after that...no. NO! The girl isn't asking for that. Sure she may like you but that doesn't mean she wants your thing jammed up against her for the whole concert. Seriously. No dick in the butt!!!"

  Sure, I had heard of this, but not on the level she was describing. She had to be exaggerating. Sure maybe the guy goes for the bump and grind for one song, but there is no way it happens over and over through out the entire concert. She has to be giving a worst case scenario kind of thing. Sort of like how to survive an apocalypse when there are no Twinkies or Ding Dongs left and you are surrounded by bears. 

  So, we went to the concert. And holy crap was she right. During the first five minutes alone, I saw three examples of what she was talking about. Two were bad, but one guy was really bad. I'm thinking before the concert he must have snorted like a thousand pixie sticks filled with crack. 

  This dude was not just content to be grinding his girlfriend. No, he had to add a degree of difficulty to it by squatting low and coming at her at an upward angel. To be honest, I wasn't sure if he was trying to stick his dick in her back or launch her into space. And oh my god, the speed at which he was moving. I'm not even sure the Flash could have kept up. He looked like an over excited Golden Retriever trying to drill a hole through a fire hydrant using only his hips.

  Forget one song, this guy had been going at it for the first third of the concert. Finally, about one song into the second groups performance, I noticed the girl had taken a step forward and over. Essentially, putting two other girls between her and this guy. The guy had that drunk glazed over look on his face, and I'm not even sure if he realized right away that the girl had left him.

  Through out the rest of the show, I saw more and more examples of  dick in the butt. It was all around us. Luckily, that seems to be a younger guy move.

   It was funny to see these guys moving like they were the Gods of Swagger, and to also see the girls constantly rolling their eyes and trying to slowly move away. At one point, I felt so sorry for the guys that wanted to pull them aside and share my girlfriend's advice. 

  I would say something Yoda like, "Her back do not stick your dick in. Down she will shut."

  When my girlfriend and I got back home, I told her about all the instances where I saw a guy trying to jam his do-hickey into a girl's back. She simply said, "I told you so." Yes, she most certainly did.

  The thing I love about my girlfriend is that she is like some Tibetan Monk who has all these pearls of wisdom to share, but only lets a few out at a time. So far she has taught me that just because a bottle has the word Heinz on it does not automatically mean it is ketchup. And good dancing means never having to stick your dick in to someone else's back. 

  I can't say these were lessons I was expecting to learn, but I feel like just by knowing them I have become a stronger, better man. Thank you, my  girlfriend.

Vanity Plates Reveal True Nature

  I have always said a person should be proud of themselves no matter what their faults may be.

  So image how much it pleased me, as I was idling in the McDonald's drive thru, to see the licence plate of a person obviously struggling with dyslexia proclaim his pride in being a slut.

Axe Discovers Source Of Ultimate Scent

   There have been a multitude of studies regarding the level of a woman's arousal in regards to the scent of a man who has just finished a hard day of work or an intense exercise. This natural musk odor has been proven to drive women wild.

  Strangely, it is only currently available on the market in a very diluted and weakened form... until now, that is.

  Those hard working scientists at Axe Body Spray theorized that if a watered down version of the musk smell will compel any woman to give a guy a second look then a pure, untainted form would get that guy's clothes torn off in under three seconds.

  The only part the scientists were having trouble with was where to obtain such a potent source of the musk.

  At first, they took the simplistic approach. They tried combining several existing colognes together in hopes of producing a super musk. It did not. Instead, all they succeeded in doing was creating 1,216,593 new things that smell nasty.

  Next, the scientists tried synthesising the musk from scratch. This method proved to be quite successful during the initial laboratory tests. Every male test subject has at least one piece of clothing torn from his body after applying just a small dab of the synthesized musk. However, during the second stage of testing, this time being done in the real world, they quickly learned that not only can the synthesized musk not survive outside the lab, but it has a major side effect too. Such as turning people in to giant pillars of cotton candy.

  Having had two failed attempts through chemistry, the scientists were ready to try a new direction. Biology. The concept was simple. Breed a plant that would produce a musk like smell then those oils could simply be extracted from the plant. This experiment was deemed a failure once the plants started trying to eat the scientists.

  After so many failures, the Axe board of directors decided that losing millions upon millions of dollars was simply unacceptable. Especially, without even the smallest hint of success. It took a long night of intense debating, but they finally decided it was time to pull the plug.

  On their way to dismiss the scientists, the board members were stunned to see a young man wearing a ripped UPS t-shirt swinging a long lamp stand at a group of four woman. The man kept yelling, "Leave me alone" while the women desperately reached for him and clawed at his clothes.

  Eureka! This was what the board members had been looking for. This is what they were looking for. The kind of passion and lust they wanted their body sprays to inspire. The board members quickly rescued the UPS driver and brought him to the scientists.

  For the next 48 hours, the UPS driver had every test ran on him that could be imagined. Yet they couldn't find what it was about the man that had caused the woman to respond as they did. There was nothing overly special or unique about him. Nothing that the tests revealed anyway.

This new scent from Axe
has already sold one
million cans 

  Thinking they had reached another dead end, the scientists thanked the UPS driver for his time and asked one of the interns to bring the man his clothes. Like most interns, she wasn't happy with having to the seemingly non-important work. Little did she know she was about to help make the biggest, most important discovery in the history of relationships. The source for the purest, most uncorrupted form of musk known to mankind...The gym sock.

  It took less than a day for the scientists to confirm that the gym sock was indeed the ultimate source for lust inducing pheromones. Even less time passed before Axe had produced its first batch of new Gym Sock scented body spray and started distributing it to stores. Now, a week later, the Axe company has entered into what some financial analysts would call a new golden age.

  Not to just sit back, pat themselves on the back and relax, Axe scientists are already experimenting with jock straps and dirty underwear to see if they too might produce a similar powerful musk.    

  When asked how far a long the research on the underwear and jock straps were, the scientists simply said, "We really can't discuss it. What we can say is this. Look out ladies. Things are about to get crazy."

Crazy indeed.