When I took health class in junior high school, they really didn't teach us all that much. I mostly remember a lot of giggling and jokes being made in whispers behind the teachers back. The one thing I know they never taught us was that women 'glisten'. Back then they kind of just lumped boys and girls together in the same sweaty category.
What I didn't realize is that glistening is not the only biological difference between boys and girls. Recently, I just learned that not only do women not sweat but they also don't pass gas or to use the more common scientific term, fart.
I know what you are thinking. If women don't fart, how come they haven't blown up like giant balloons and exploded? The answer is actually pretty simple. While men release build up gas through only one method, farting. Mother nature blessed women with 5 different methods.
Method 1. Poofing - This process involves the gas being released in little poofs that smell like potpourri.
Method 2. Shooting Rainbows - In this instance, the gas is released in a spectrum of colors which is sometimes accompanied by little Skittles.
Method 3. Twilighting - The gas releases in the form of a very sparkly glitter and smells like fresh rain.
Method 4. The Sonic Shimmer - With this technique you may never know anything even happened, but your dog sure will. Have you ever been cuddling on the couch with your girlfriend with your dog at your feet. Suddenly, your dog jumps up and runs into another room like he just saw a ghost? Don't worry your dog isn't crazy. See, when a woman tries to hold her gas in for too long, the pressure becomes to great for her body to contain. So, when she finally does release the pressure, the gas is moving so fast that it breaks the sound barrier causing a little sonic boom that only dogs can hear. Apart from your dog running, the only way for another person to tell a woman just went sonic is the shimmering effect that occurs because of the intense heat. In man terms, this would be known as ' the silent butt deadly' one.
Method 5. The Fresh Baked Cookie - This one is pretty self explanatory. Sometimes when there is no way for a woman to get away so she can release her body initiates a cloaking technique. Have you ever been in a room with no food, all the windows are closed and there is no kitchen and yet... you smell freshly baked chocolate chip cookies? Now you know why.
I feel I should add that apart from the pleasant smells, my research and studies have found that women do not produce a negative scent. Unlike their male counter parts, who can clear a room in under 5 seconds after consuming just a few tacos and a couple Mountain Dews.
Friday, June 28, 2013
Sunday, June 23, 2013
How To Deal With People You Hate Working With
Man, today has not been one of my better days. Not only am I still dealing with the fact that I lost my manhood to some boxes of cereal, but at work I was paired up with a guy I can't stand. And, of course,on today of all days, I forgot my iPod and headphones at home.
I'm sure you all know what I'm talking about, because at one time or another, you too were forced to work with a similar person. The person who thinks that every thing they are always 100% right of the time no matter what the subject is. The person who refuses to listen to your advice and does everything their own way. The person who has to greet every supervisor and manager that walks by and also has to give a detail account of what they are doing even though no one asked. The person who makes you want to wear headphones so you don't have to listen to them tell their absurdly outlandish stories anymore. The person who makes you think about quitting your job just so you don't have to work with them. The person...
Okay, I think you get what I am talking about. Normally, when I get paired with someone who drives me crazy I can suck it up and deal, but not without my headphones. I only made it about half way through the night before I started thinking throwing my partner into the furnace.
The company, however, would most likely frown on this method of conflict resolution. They prefer the more traditional technique of first, going to your boss and complaining to them about the person making you crazy. Your boss then speaks to the human resources person and together they iron out a solid plan to resolve the tension. Finally, you and the annoying one are called into the human resources office and told how things will be better from that point forward.
All well in good if you want to fill your work partner with rage and have to worry about him killing you as you walk to your car. Nooo thank you.
Over the years I have come up with five techniques of my own that have proven quite effective. Not only in getting rid of my partner but also in not getting me killed. I call that a win-win.
Tip 1: Its kind of an oldie but it still works. The idea is simple, to be an effective employee you have to be able to work. So, all you have to do is take that ability away. There is a good chance that the person you are working with probably has a water bottle or cup full of something close by. Send your partner on an errand of the 'wild goose' variety then pull out your trusty bottle of Visine you keep in your pocket for just such an emergency. Simply put 6 to 8 drops of Visine in his drink and wait. After the initial drink give it about 15 minutes and your partner will be in the bathroom with a raging case of the Hersey Squirts. (Sorry. I tried to find a nicer of way of saying it and after a little research I found that there is not.) Given your partners current state and inability to stay working, they will have no choice but to send him home.
Tip 2: People leave their cell phones out all the time at work. Sure you should be able to trust the people you work with not to touch your stuff, but you also shouldn't be a douche. So, it all balances out. The circle of life and all that. Okay, so your annoying work partner has just spent the last hour telling you what awesome presents and trips he has planned for him and his girlfriend. Again simply send your partner on another errand. Now quickly scroll through his texts. If he is as good a boyfriend as he says he is, most likely there will be a recent text somewhere at the top of his history. Pick the most likely name, or several if you aren't sure, and send her a text explaining how on a whim you (your partner) had gone for to get tested for any diseases and that you have herpes and three other venereal diseases. Give it a few minutes, but rest assured that as soon as his phone rings, he will be out the door.
Tip 3: If you want to make sure your partner is gone for more than a day, you may want to try something a little more extreme. Maybe you once again use your partner's cell phone, and this time you use it to call the police. Tell the person who answers the phone that you want to confess to some dog kidnappings or something similar then hang up. Have no fear. The police will track the call back to your partner's phone then ask him to come down to the station to answer questions. Remember...when coming up with the crime you want to frame your partner for pick something that can eventually be proven innocent of. You want him out of work for a day or two, not on trail for murdering spree.
Tip 4: Write your main boss a love note and sign your partner's name to it. One of two things will happen. However, either out come works in your favor. One possibility is the boss sends your partner home for harassment. The other possibility is you create and accidental love connection. Again... use good judgement when writing your letter. You want him sent home just for the night until it can be proved that the handwriting in the note isn't his. And in case, you are worried they will trace the note back to you because of your handwriting, don't. You were obviously smart enough to have your cousin write the note for you in advance. All you did was keep it safe in your work locker.
Tip 5: This last tip I call the 'Red Button Technique' because you only use it as a last resort. Kind of like hitting the red button to launch all our nuclear missiles. It assures complete and total destruction. Or more appropriately in this case, your partner gets suspended for a few weeks or worse fired. You should only use this if all the other tips have failed to get your partner assigned to work with either a different person or a different department. Remember, With great power must come great responsibility. Spider-Man said that. But, like I said, if everything else has failed then try this. Every time your partner says something say exactly what they did but use a whiny little kid voice. Whenever he tells you about something, declare he is full of crap in that same whiny little kid voice. It may take anywhere from two to four hours but eventually he will snap and take a swing at you. Here is the kicker, if he misses, no one may believe he took a swing at you. So, if you want him gone, you are going to have to take the hit. If you do there will be irrefutable proof that he attacked you and he will be gone before you get back from the nurses office.
* For those of you worried and feeling guilty that making your partner leave work or getting him suspended for a few weeks will cause him to go hungry or get kicked out of his apartment, put your minds at ease. He will most likely have tons of vacation time stored up and most suspensions are paid for while the investigation is being done. So he will be fine. And most importantly, you will once again have peace of mind.
I'm sure you all know what I'm talking about, because at one time or another, you too were forced to work with a similar person. The person who thinks that every thing they are always 100% right of the time no matter what the subject is. The person who refuses to listen to your advice and does everything their own way. The person who has to greet every supervisor and manager that walks by and also has to give a detail account of what they are doing even though no one asked. The person who makes you want to wear headphones so you don't have to listen to them tell their absurdly outlandish stories anymore. The person who makes you think about quitting your job just so you don't have to work with them. The person...
Okay, I think you get what I am talking about. Normally, when I get paired with someone who drives me crazy I can suck it up and deal, but not without my headphones. I only made it about half way through the night before I started thinking throwing my partner into the furnace.
The company, however, would most likely frown on this method of conflict resolution. They prefer the more traditional technique of first, going to your boss and complaining to them about the person making you crazy. Your boss then speaks to the human resources person and together they iron out a solid plan to resolve the tension. Finally, you and the annoying one are called into the human resources office and told how things will be better from that point forward.
All well in good if you want to fill your work partner with rage and have to worry about him killing you as you walk to your car. Nooo thank you.
Over the years I have come up with five techniques of my own that have proven quite effective. Not only in getting rid of my partner but also in not getting me killed. I call that a win-win.
Tip 1: Its kind of an oldie but it still works. The idea is simple, to be an effective employee you have to be able to work. So, all you have to do is take that ability away. There is a good chance that the person you are working with probably has a water bottle or cup full of something close by. Send your partner on an errand of the 'wild goose' variety then pull out your trusty bottle of Visine you keep in your pocket for just such an emergency. Simply put 6 to 8 drops of Visine in his drink and wait. After the initial drink give it about 15 minutes and your partner will be in the bathroom with a raging case of the Hersey Squirts. (Sorry. I tried to find a nicer of way of saying it and after a little research I found that there is not.) Given your partners current state and inability to stay working, they will have no choice but to send him home.
Tip 2: People leave their cell phones out all the time at work. Sure you should be able to trust the people you work with not to touch your stuff, but you also shouldn't be a douche. So, it all balances out. The circle of life and all that. Okay, so your annoying work partner has just spent the last hour telling you what awesome presents and trips he has planned for him and his girlfriend. Again simply send your partner on another errand. Now quickly scroll through his texts. If he is as good a boyfriend as he says he is, most likely there will be a recent text somewhere at the top of his history. Pick the most likely name, or several if you aren't sure, and send her a text explaining how on a whim you (your partner) had gone for to get tested for any diseases and that you have herpes and three other venereal diseases. Give it a few minutes, but rest assured that as soon as his phone rings, he will be out the door.
Tip 3: If you want to make sure your partner is gone for more than a day, you may want to try something a little more extreme. Maybe you once again use your partner's cell phone, and this time you use it to call the police. Tell the person who answers the phone that you want to confess to some dog kidnappings or something similar then hang up. Have no fear. The police will track the call back to your partner's phone then ask him to come down to the station to answer questions. Remember...when coming up with the crime you want to frame your partner for pick something that can eventually be proven innocent of. You want him out of work for a day or two, not on trail for murdering spree.
Tip 4: Write your main boss a love note and sign your partner's name to it. One of two things will happen. However, either out come works in your favor. One possibility is the boss sends your partner home for harassment. The other possibility is you create and accidental love connection. Again... use good judgement when writing your letter. You want him sent home just for the night until it can be proved that the handwriting in the note isn't his. And in case, you are worried they will trace the note back to you because of your handwriting, don't. You were obviously smart enough to have your cousin write the note for you in advance. All you did was keep it safe in your work locker.
Tip 5: This last tip I call the 'Red Button Technique' because you only use it as a last resort. Kind of like hitting the red button to launch all our nuclear missiles. It assures complete and total destruction. Or more appropriately in this case, your partner gets suspended for a few weeks or worse fired. You should only use this if all the other tips have failed to get your partner assigned to work with either a different person or a different department. Remember, With great power must come great responsibility. Spider-Man said that. But, like I said, if everything else has failed then try this. Every time your partner says something say exactly what they did but use a whiny little kid voice. Whenever he tells you about something, declare he is full of crap in that same whiny little kid voice. It may take anywhere from two to four hours but eventually he will snap and take a swing at you. Here is the kicker, if he misses, no one may believe he took a swing at you. So, if you want him gone, you are going to have to take the hit. If you do there will be irrefutable proof that he attacked you and he will be gone before you get back from the nurses office.
* For those of you worried and feeling guilty that making your partner leave work or getting him suspended for a few weeks will cause him to go hungry or get kicked out of his apartment, put your minds at ease. He will most likely have tons of vacation time stored up and most suspensions are paid for while the investigation is being done. So he will be fine. And most importantly, you will once again have peace of mind.
Friday, June 21, 2013
Tuesday, June 18, 2013
How Cereal Stole My Manhood
Ugh! I have only been up for 10 minutes and not only am I already in a bad mood, but I've already had my manhood called into question. I swear there should be a rule that says nothing bad can happen within that first hour you are awake.
Just imagine how great that would be. You could wake up every day knowing that for the next hour nothing bad would happen. No bad news while you eat your cereal and watch Johnny Test or dropping your phone in the toilet or having bill collectors call. If that one hour of paradise existed I would never just lay in bed and play on my phone. As soon as I opened my eyes I would be getting things done.
But, it does not exist. Which is why I spent 15 minutes starring at two cereal boxes before finally sighing and throwing them away.
A real man could have finished both those boxes of cereal. I barely finished half of each box. Every now and then I will get an urge for one type of cereal. That cereal will stay in my head as my number one choice for days... until I actually get to the grocery store. Once there, I will suddenly get an equally strong urge for another completely different type of cereal.
The most recent example I have of this was when I went to Hy-Vee on Sunday night and I was wanting Kellogg's Almond cereal. As I looked up and down the aisle I saw they were having a sale on Lucky Charms. I was like, "I really want this healthy cereal, but damn it! I also could go for some marshmallows in the shapes of horseshoes and moons." So, I walk back and forth between the two different boxes for about 10 minutes before finally coming up with this solution. "You know, I finished that last box of cereal pretty easy. I bet I can eat both of these before they go bad."
And when I get home I do make an impressive start towards completing this task. I'll eat two bowls of cereal and I do it with pride. Forget Ultimate Fighting or rescuing cats from a burning building that is surrounded by zombies. Eating two bowls of cereal is how a boy becomes a man. I even let out a few primal grunts for a little bit. Then the next day comes and I have one bowl. After that I start to only eat a bowl every couple days and then not at all. Suddenly, it is three weeks later and my cereal is all stuck together and stale.
At this moment a choice needs to be made. Do I break apart the stuck together pieces and push through the flat cardboard taste just to finish the boxes, or do I admit defeat and go out and buy one box of Captain Crunch. I always give this decision a lot of thought, but the truth is, I already know what I am going to do.
No one wants to eat gross stale cereal. So, I swallow my pride and as a single tear runs down my cheek, I throw the boxes into the garbage. Each thud is like a shot to my heart and my manhood.
The grieving process after this happens is pretty intense. For 24 hours, I feel a like nothing matters and that I am worthless. Then a friend will come over and give me an inspirational talk that gives me the courage to go back to the store. Choosing the next cereal is hard because this is just going to he 'rebound' cereal. I'm not looking for anything healthy. I want something that is going to be bad for me and that has lots of huge marshmallows and tons of sugar. This cereal lasts maybe a couple days before I finish with it, but at the end of those few days the world seems a little brighter again and I start to think that maybe things are going to be okay after all. And with a smile I return to the grocery store looking for something a little healthier this time. Something that is more than just marshmallows and sugar. I look for that something special. And when I find it, I feel complete. Like I'm a man of value again.
Sadly, at the moment, that feeling is a long ways away. As I walk away from the garbage can, all I want to do is lay down on the couch, pull my Spider-man Snuggie around me and cry. Don't worry though. I'll get this through this. I thank you in advance for your support.
Just imagine how great that would be. You could wake up every day knowing that for the next hour nothing bad would happen. No bad news while you eat your cereal and watch Johnny Test or dropping your phone in the toilet or having bill collectors call. If that one hour of paradise existed I would never just lay in bed and play on my phone. As soon as I opened my eyes I would be getting things done.
But, it does not exist. Which is why I spent 15 minutes starring at two cereal boxes before finally sighing and throwing them away.
A real man could have finished both those boxes of cereal. I barely finished half of each box. Every now and then I will get an urge for one type of cereal. That cereal will stay in my head as my number one choice for days... until I actually get to the grocery store. Once there, I will suddenly get an equally strong urge for another completely different type of cereal.
The most recent example I have of this was when I went to Hy-Vee on Sunday night and I was wanting Kellogg's Almond cereal. As I looked up and down the aisle I saw they were having a sale on Lucky Charms. I was like, "I really want this healthy cereal, but damn it! I also could go for some marshmallows in the shapes of horseshoes and moons." So, I walk back and forth between the two different boxes for about 10 minutes before finally coming up with this solution. "You know, I finished that last box of cereal pretty easy. I bet I can eat both of these before they go bad."
And when I get home I do make an impressive start towards completing this task. I'll eat two bowls of cereal and I do it with pride. Forget Ultimate Fighting or rescuing cats from a burning building that is surrounded by zombies. Eating two bowls of cereal is how a boy becomes a man. I even let out a few primal grunts for a little bit. Then the next day comes and I have one bowl. After that I start to only eat a bowl every couple days and then not at all. Suddenly, it is three weeks later and my cereal is all stuck together and stale.
At this moment a choice needs to be made. Do I break apart the stuck together pieces and push through the flat cardboard taste just to finish the boxes, or do I admit defeat and go out and buy one box of Captain Crunch. I always give this decision a lot of thought, but the truth is, I already know what I am going to do.
No one wants to eat gross stale cereal. So, I swallow my pride and as a single tear runs down my cheek, I throw the boxes into the garbage. Each thud is like a shot to my heart and my manhood.
The grieving process after this happens is pretty intense. For 24 hours, I feel a like nothing matters and that I am worthless. Then a friend will come over and give me an inspirational talk that gives me the courage to go back to the store. Choosing the next cereal is hard because this is just going to he 'rebound' cereal. I'm not looking for anything healthy. I want something that is going to be bad for me and that has lots of huge marshmallows and tons of sugar. This cereal lasts maybe a couple days before I finish with it, but at the end of those few days the world seems a little brighter again and I start to think that maybe things are going to be okay after all. And with a smile I return to the grocery store looking for something a little healthier this time. Something that is more than just marshmallows and sugar. I look for that something special. And when I find it, I feel complete. Like I'm a man of value again.
Sadly, at the moment, that feeling is a long ways away. As I walk away from the garbage can, all I want to do is lay down on the couch, pull my Spider-man Snuggie around me and cry. Don't worry though. I'll get this through this. I thank you in advance for your support.
Friday, June 14, 2013
Zombies: What's Your Sign
Hey all. Nothing to much going on today. Just messing with Photoshop and making some zombie signs. So, I thought I would share them. These might appear soon as a new coaster set on Camp Coaster.
Monday, June 10, 2013
WFWA - The Worldwide Ferret Wrestling Association
Oh man, I hate making this trip on Sundays. Especially when all I want to do is stretch out on my couch and watch a bunch of cheesy horror or sci-fi movies. I suppose I could just not go, but then he would just scratch at the Plexiglas all day.
Its pretty annoying, but it means one of two things. Either he wants to run around for a little bit or he is hungry. Normally, it is a combination of the two. Bearded Dragons can be so demanding.
Someone told me when Bearded Dragons get older they are supposed to become a little chunky and just want to sit in one spot and relax. Mine, apparently, has A.D.H.D., because he will sit still for about a minute and then suddenly make a break for under the couch or try to climb my hanging plants.
Gaara, my Bearded Dragon, definitely has a lot of personality. Which is good, because it would be kind of boring if all he did was just sit there and not move. I just wish his cravings would finally switch from crickets to vegetables. That would be so much cheaper and I wouldn't have to make two trips to the pet store every week. Maybe he will make the switch some day soon, obviously today was not going to be that day.
As I sat on the couch watching, Resident Evil: Retribution, I tried so hard to just ignore his little claws scrapping down the Plexiglas. If you have never heard this sound before, it sounds like someone dragging very sharp nails over the world's most sensitive chalkboard. Good luck ignoring that for any length of time.
Given my choice between slow lizard nails on a chalkboard or just going to the pet store, I choose going to the pet store. Even after, I finally made the decision to go to the pet store, I still managed to stall for another twenty minutes.
Luckily for my lazy butt, the pet store is only about two to three miles away. I even considered walking, but the sky was so gray and it looked like it could start pouring buckets at any second.
The pet store is pretty much like every other pet store you have ever been to. The first few aisles are dedicated to turtle and lizard supplies. After that you have your bird and ferret supplies, followed by a few rows of dog and cat food. The last few aisles in the store are completely dedicated to fish and aquariums.
There is a plus side to going to the same pet store twice a week for the last few months. When you walk in, the woman behind the counter already knows I am there for crickets. All she does is confirm that I want the usual amount and off she goes.
I never have understood how they count all those crickets and never lose count. That is not something I could do. I would get to like 23 and get distracted by something and have to start all over again. Sometimes I think they just kind of guesstimate the number and just goes with what looks right.
Since, it takes them a few minutes to count all those crickets and to bag them up, I wandered over to see my favorite new show, The Worldwide Ferret Wrestling Association.
I have never owned a ferret nor known anyone else who has, but I was pretty sure I knew how they were supposed to act. I kind of thought they just hung around like cats, not really doing all that much but starring at the walls and sleeping. Turns out I was half right.
Ferrets, essentially, have two modes. At least, from what I have observed. They do like to sleep, and when they do they all look so cute. They kind of just stretch out next to each other and sleep. Kind of like some of the guys at fraternities did when they drank to much.
The other thing they like to do is wrestle. And ferrets just don't wrestle one on one, its like watching the ultimate no disqualification battle royal. One ferret will roll another ferret on to its back and as soon as it does, it goes after another ferret.
No ferret is able to avoid taking part in these matches either. A few visits back, I remember seeing one white and black ferret sleeping in the corner oblivious to what was going on around him. That is until one of his brothers ran towards him and launched itself off a cardboard roll. It was like watching a wrestler leap from the third rope and splash down on top of his opponent.
 |
| Triple F kicks out at the last minute and avoids being pinned by John Fur Ball. |
I tried to record them once, but the owner asked me not to use any video recording equipment in the store. Before I could ask her why, she said she was afraid someone might copy the store lay out and prices. I'm guessing that no one has told her that even though their prices on crickets are pretty fair, everything else they sell you can find some where else for much cheaper.
Heck, the only reason I continue to go there is for the free sports entertainment. Do you know how much you would have to shell out on pay-per-view for WFWA shows? A lot. Sure, the matches in the pet store may not be officially sanctioned matches, but they are definitely something to see.
If you ever happen to be out by Pet's Smart Warehouse in Madison, Wisconsin stop in and take in a few matches. Tell them Jim sent you... Actually, on second thought, don't tell them that. I think lately she has gotten a little sick of me hanging around her store, eating popcorn and holding up signs of encouragement for my favorite ferret wrestlers. She claims it disturbs the other customers and the animals. Personally, I think she she just isn't a sports fan.
Who knows, maybe I will see you there.
Monday, June 3, 2013
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